Love: And All These Thoughts

Sometimes you want to be loved so bad that you will do whatever it takes to make it happen. But what good is having someone love you, if they are manipulated into doing it or feel obligated in anyway?

I want to know love just as bad as the next person, but I don't think that, that is an option for me. I have been hiding inside of myself for so long. I barely know how to interact with other people. I barely know a good friend from a bad friend. I barely have any connection to my family and friends at all.

What is a friend? At all. I don't think I could give anyone a solid answer.

Many people just think that I'm jealous, bitter or crazy due to all the negative experiences I have had involving men. When they say "tell me about it" or "you can talk to me about it," I mostly choose to keep quiet because I know that whatever I say about men will be judged, especially if the person I am talking to is either a "devote Christian" or they are "in love."

 I was in love once. It was the best experience in my life (at the time) but I knew that it would not last. I knew that I was going to change. I was aware that change was around the corner, so instead of waiting for change to arrive, I went ahead and messed things up on my own so that I wouldn't have to worry about change doing it for me.

I haven't been in love since. I don't think I can...anymore.

I don't generally "love" because everytime I love someone they always get taken away.
I loved my mother. She got taken away by a disease.
I loved my first love. He got taken away because his landlord kicked him out.
I loved my bestfriend from 3rd grade. She got "taken away" because I was forced to move.

It is a very common pattern in my life.

I will admit that sometimes I do get jealous. I see happy couples. I see all my friends getting engaged and married. My own cousins, right before my very eyes are getting married and living life.

Then there is me. I'm still here. I'm still in the same place that I was. I feel like I'm waiting for something to fill me with passion again, but I fear that I might be waiting for along time.
I don't think that a man can love me. Each time a man comes into my life, they just walk right back out. I often wonder if it is me or maybe they just meet me at the wrong times in their lives. But I really don't know.

I never used my mothers death as a tool or a trap to keep a man in my life. I believe that's a horrible thing to do. I would never guilt a man into loving me or staying in my life because I know that he wouldn't want to be there out of his own freewill. He wouldn't be happy. And we would both be miserable. I can be miserable on my own, you know? But some people think that I would use my mothers death as an excuse for anything, really. I can't help that her absence is apart of who I am. Nor can I help that no one knows what to say to me or do, in order to help me.

But even though I know love and I will never be friends again, so to speak. I still have hope that my turn to be loved by a man will come someday. Its all I can do, really...