Distant: But Not Cold

My grandmother and aunt love me very much. But she doesn't think that I appreciate all that she and my aunt have done for me.

I'm learning to be more affection than I have been in the past.

I'm surprised that I now give my grandmother, and aunts hugs when I leave to go back to school or leave their presence for any reason.

I know how important family is, but to me I just don't see "family" the same way that most people do. You can never imagine what it feels like to be passed around from aunt to uncle to aunt like some kind of "surprise" gift that no one wants to open because they don't know who the sender is.

From the outside looking in, what is there to complain about, some would ask? They love you. But its with a price. My aunt has done all she can do for me. She helps me any chance she gets, but I know that she is tired. She wants to relax. She wants to enjoy the rest of her life. No one asked her to take care of me, after my mother passed. She just stepped up and did it. And that I will always be thankful for.

I always asked GOD why me? Why did he pick this to happen to me? Out of all the people in the world I had to be picked?

It must be for a reason...

All I think about is the Human Connection. Love. How relationships work, why do they work and how can you make them better? So that everyone wins, somehow.

I'm weird.
I'm strange.
But I'm not as angry as I use to be.

I have been trying to figure out the pattern for the longest time. From my grandmothers' perspective. I am the only grandchild that doesn't have parents.

Parents are a big deal in life.

People can only say encouraging words. They can only say things to take my mind off missing my mother and wishing my dad cared even a little bit about my life.

Why are parents a blessing?

1) They take care of you when you are sick.
2) They stand by your side when you make mistakes
3) They provide you with shelter, food and clothes on your back.
4) They protect you from negative energy.
5) When you feel lost, they make sure to always help you find your way.
6) They guide you in the right direction.
7) They make a lot of sacrifices for you.
8) They love you unconditionally.

People joke and say that I should "get a puppy." They make these jokes because they don't know what emptiness feels like. Its a terrible feeling. I have tried my best to keep it away from the people that care about me. But everyday it seems to come out more.