The Almost "Someone"

My heart is slightly heavy right now. I want to talk to someone, but there is no one around who will listen. I want to cry, but then whoever sees me will ask me, "what are you crying for?" And that will require me to give an explanation that, like I have said before I just don't have the energy to give.

I don't understand...

Why everyone gets to know love except for me?
I'm always so close to Love, but never quite there. And everyone around me just thinks that I'm being dramatic. That I'm just worrying about it too much. That I should just "live" my life. But that's who I am. I'm a lover. And when I can't love. My heart withers slightly.

Just about all my friends are married. I even have online friends who are well on their way to married or they have been in a real relationship with a person that is just as passionate, as they are of them.

Someone once told me that "if you change your attitude, then you can change your life." Which I believe, still. But, all in all it just never works out in my favor.
No matter how nice I am. No matter how giving I am. No matter how much I pray. No matter what I do, there is always someone else living my dream.

You are nice, but...

I like you, but...

But I'm just never enough.

Right?

I can already hear what other people are saying, 
"You are looking too hard
"You want it too bad
"You should just love yourself

All of that is crap, and they know it. Because there was a point when they wanted to be loved too. I don't see how I am any different...

But, I know that deep down I am. I have always felt out of place. I have always felt "homeless." I have always been a wanderer.

Its a long road to "balance" and sometimes you just want someone to walk with you. Someone to talk to on your journey. But, I always manage to do all the talking, all the giving, all the sacrificing and they manage to not do much. And if they manage to do ONE thing, then they act like its a big deal and that I should be OH SO grateful when in reality I have done ten times more.

But, I don't ask for much...

I don't want the whole world. But I would like some attention and mostly affection. I do not think that being in a relationship will fix any issues that I may have. I do not want to be in a relationship because everyone else seems to be in one.

But, you see, I know the value of THE HUMAN CONNECTION. You can enjoy being around several people, but it doesn't mean that you love them. I want to be with a man who loves me. And I don't think that is such a crime.

I am aware that he won't always be able to hang out or even see me all the time. I know what being "busy" looks and feels like and it is not fun. But, sometimes its just the little things that count the most. The struggle is that no matter how many times I say, "forget it!" I just can't.

I don't want him to stop his life for me. I just wish that there was more time for us. I guess, this stems from me being a Romantic, which is true but I am moving more quickly into being a Realistic Romantic.

I just feel like I never get a fair chance when it comes to dating, you know? Like I said before, they always say how "nice" I am. And how "sweet" I am etc. But they never just take out time to really get to know me and DATE ME. And then when I do or say one thing that they don't agree with. They "stop seeing me" because they think that we are not "compatiable."

hmmmmmm, you don't even know if we are compatiable or not because you barely listened to two words that I said to begin with.

I know I said that I am a Lover, but at the same time I'm a fighter. And in the past I use to fight to have guys in my life, who just didn't care about me. I could have died in a car accident or fell off a cliff and they would just move along through life as if they never met me. Unattached. Seeking something/someone more loving, more outgoing, more "everything" than I was.

Then people say, "Well think positive..." No, you want me to be Optimistic like a fool. Just because I'm looking at all sides of a situation doesn't make me a negative person. I just like to prepare myself for all situations, because I know that my heart is big and when it breaks...

It takes along time to heal.

I would like to get a teddy bear, a card or some flowers even just to make me feel special. I like it when the guy holds my hand. He doesn't have to do it all the time though.

I see how other couples are and I noticed that their guys' have a passion, have a WANT, a DESIRE, a YEARNING to be with them. It shows in their eyes. Then, I think back to my dating life and realize that the guys' I dated, only had a passion for the "thought" of me. They had a passion for me being "beautiful" but the second I had a bad day or didn't feel well or wanted more of their attention, they backed away. They disappeared.

I guess, I just wasn't "the one" because if I was they would have stayed.

I don't understand why love keeps me out. Have I not given enough? Have I not loved enough? Have I not cried enough?
Why doesn't love want me? Why doesn't love want to stay?