What Are You Fighting For?



A lot of people think that my whole reason for wanting to be involved with "womens empowerment" and any social outlet that betters the wellbeing of women in general, is because I'm angry and I hate men. Well, that's not true. My whole reason for being a "feminist" or an aspiring feminist has nothing to do with anything political.

It has everything to do with the pain, tears and misery that I have seen so many young women go through. All because one guy was inconsiderate or one just couldn't make up his mind or one just couldn't be honest with himself enough, to be honest with her.

And that left her with a broken heart.

I guess it is the classic story. Girl meets boy. Boy pretends to like girl. Girl falls in love with boy. Boy breaks her heart. She goes "crazy." Right?

Maybe that is the story for some, but everyone is different.

Me? I think I gave my heart out one too many times only to have it given back to me all beat up and torn. I realized that this was a two way street though. So I took full responsibility for what I did or what I did not do. But I don't think that they ever considered how I would feel. And all of that is because they simply just didn't care.

Side Notes:

I learned that if a man really wants to be with you there is nothing on this planet that will stop him. He will climb every mountain. Jump through every fire. But this will only happen if the guy believes that there is true potential for something more than just "hi and bye" or more than just "hello and goodnight."

I also learned that in order to meet a good hearted man. You have to get tired of dealing with the "cowardly" ones. Sure, they are fun. They take you places and buy you things. They show you off. But they can never just sit and have a honest conversation with you about life, feelings or whatever because they are so afraid of what you will think about them or how you will react. They also never truly care about you or anyone for that matter because they are so stuck in their own little world. Dancing around their own problems that never go away because they simply just don't want to "talk about it." Well, in order to fix the strange feeling in your chest. You are going to have to either talk about it or get operated on by a doctor. Unless you like feeling like crap every single day.

I have seen it. A grown ass man biting his tongue because he is too afraid to say what is on his mind. People who bite their tongues when they know there is truth to be stated are cowards. The end.

Anyway...

My heart has been broken enough times to know when the fight is not worth it. And well, the "fight" to have someone in my life isnt' worth it, if the other person doesn't work hard too. In the past, there I was, putting in all the effort. Doing all the calling, texting. Making sure that they were ok. And the only time I got a response was when they were not "busy."

hmmmm...yeah, thats how the pattern seems to go.

And I'm in no way saying that they had to drop everything in their life for me. But damn at least could I get a phone call or an email saying "just thinking about you?" For crying outloud.

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The other thing is, in the past when a guy would say "I'm busy." I always believed him. But then I started to wonder. Oh, yeah? "busy doing what?" Then they would get really defensive. That's because they had something to hide.

And some guys would get upset when I would ask them that question, as if I wasn't suppose to ask. Why can't I ask you that? You let me ask you everything else? If you would just tell the truth and answer then you would no longer have to feel like a shitbag for lying to me, because the truth would be out in the open. The truth that you're "busy" really means one of two things: 1. You really are busy with work/school/family issues/friends 2. You are with another woman (other women).

And in most of the cases that I observed it was always the second option. I guess, they thought I was stupid or something. Who knows.


A man that really has respect and really cares about your life would not lie to you for any reason. He would want you to know the truth. He would want you to grow and learn. He would not expect you do unreasonable things just for him. And he would never ask you to compromise what you believe in just so you could "fit" into his mold. But I have had that happen too...

Where I would have to "battle" against myself just to keep the peace in a relationship that the guy didn't even give two shits about to begin with.

I never had a guy really care about me. I never had a guy really want to see me at my very best. There were guys who came close, but they would quickly lose interest in me when they realized that I would not let them walk all over me. When they realized that I had a voice.

Before I found my voice. I could get boyfriends. But I didn't want them. I was too busy reading and writing. But those guys only wanted certain parts of me. And they only wanted those parts when they were going through certain emotions.

But I realized that to make any relationship work. It takes two people. Both people have to try. Both people have to want to see the other at their very best in life. Both people have to care. If one person does all the caring, loving and giving. Eventually their energy will run out.

And you know what?

I have been through some pretty horrible shit in my life. There were times when I didn't even want to try at life anymore. So, for me to be with a any guy that gives me less than what I deserve well, that's just a mistake on my part. Why? Because I have come a very long way. I have fought many battles just to be all right. I had to carve out so many bad parts inside of my soul, glue back other parts and sometimes completely replace parts. I had to learn heal over and over. And quickly.

So, to meet some guy that essentially tells me "Well, I care about you but not in that WAY." All I have to say to that Is, fuck you. I'm a good woman. And its ok that you don't see it. More happiness for the real man that does.

I fight? To keep whatever sanity I have left in my skull. To accomplish goals because I know that my mother would want me too. To stay true to myself all day everyday. And to live a life filled with love.

To know love,

the best kind of love: unconditional.
 Two people just living life first and being the best of friends second.

Serenity