Peace Of Mind: Fight For The WIN (KO)

I had my share of people mistreating me. I loved as much as I could with the time that I was given to be apart of their lives. 

In the past I was the "life" of the party. I had so many friends who wanted to hang out with me. I went to a different club just about every weekend. I was "celebrating" my life. No doubt! But what I didn't realize is that after the party was over they were going home to families, their warm houses, their loving boyfriends. 

And I was going home alone... 

I didn't start being beautiful until I fully accepted my walk with God. It was my bestfriend Tk who introduced me to this point in my life. I can finally say that clubbing, drinking etc no longer satisfies me. The thought of acting that foolish gives me a headache. I looked like a fool and no one told me, because those people who I associated with were not my real friends. 

No one pulled me to the side and told me "HEY! Your outfit looks kinda whorish!" No one told me that I had too much makeup on just to go to a bar. I wanted to show off what I had. I wanted others to be jealous of what they could never have. But in the mix I found that I ended up being jealous of other people because they had people to love them and I only had someone that wanted me around out of convenience. 

Life Lesson

I use to think that I always had to fight. I thought "well if I want it bad enough then I will fight for it." But in transition I had to ask myself "why would I fight for a friendship that they don't care about?" There I was pouring out my heart. Trying to help them keep their walk with Christ tight. When I was just beginning my walk and couldn't even sustain myself. How can I help other people, when I can't even help myself?

Then it came down to a heart thing...

I loved them so much that my life no longer began to matter. I gave even when I didn't have enough for myself. I would put off eating for a day or two and ask them if they needed anything and use my last dollars to get them whatever they needed. And all they could talk about was what new drug some hateful backstabbing friend was trying. 

I don't know why people gravitate toward those who are hateful and mean to them, instead of being around the people that already love them. I know that for myself it was because I really cared about my friend being happy. I just wanted them to be safe. I watched them suffer so much with their divorce. I watched people use them and take advantage of them. Yet, they treated those who were hateful to them like Kings and Queens and treated me like trash. Ignored me. Called me names. Pushed me away. 

It does not hurt the way it use to, but every now and then I think of our times together and wonder if they remember anything that I said or anything that I did.

Modeling/Singing Life

Now my life is in a different place. My focus is on becoming an internationally known supermodel. I know and believe that I will be one soon. Very soon. This weekend I'm apart of a hair/fashion show. I'm also auditioning for America's got talent because I no longer feel the need to hide my gift. 

There are many people that can sing. Some can sing better than others. But there are not many people that have a voice that can command a crowd. The last time I auditioned for a major company production like this one I silenced the crowd. They were so much in awe of my voice that they didn't start clapping until I actually left the room. Then that very night the scouts from that audition blew my phone up telling me that they were eager to have me and wanted me to be on their team very badly. 

The only thing was that I didn't have the initial money to put down in order to go further. I know without one single doubt that if I would have had the money I would have been in ATLANTA and signed with a major label by now. But I know that God has something greater in store for me. Ever since I made the choice to fully commit my life to serving and being obedient to Gods word opportunities have been pouring into my life left and right. 

I now, even have a nice young man friend who cares very much about me and encourages me in my modeling and singing. He teaches, he sings, he models/acts, appreciates me and most importantly he LOVES THE LORD. 

See, before I sold myself short all the time. I was so set on helping other people and "saving them" as if they were lost little puppies. But reality yelled: "THEY ARE NOT LITTLE PUPPIES. THEY DO NOT NEED YOU TO BOTTLE FEED THEM. THEY ARE GROWN ASS MEN/WOMEN. THEY KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG." Then I reflected. 

The problem with relationships today is that men don't take responsibility for their actions because women are always babying them and "taking care" of them. When you spoon feed life to a man you enable his bad behavior and you cripple him in his personal growth. How can he say he is a man, when he never has a chance to stand up for himself in life, because you are always right there fighting his battles? 

And that was the issue in my old life. I was strong enough to fight. But I was fighting for everyone except for myself. Then when it was time for me to get in the box ring I didn't have anyone in my corner to support me. 

But...

Things are different now... 

So much more different than before.