Why Can't You Love Me?

I'm tired of being skipped in line. I don't see why love always skips me. I feel invisible. Sometimes. I try to stay positive and tell myself to be patient. I tell myself to "just hang in there." But everytime I date its always the same thought and same outcome. "Maybe this time things will be different" followed by, "of course they couldn't stay in my life because they didn't love me."

The people around me are changing. I know many women who I use to talk to often. They would tell me about the dates they went on. They would share their stories of love and loss. They were real life "sex and the city" kind of moments. We were two women sharing our experiences.

But the difference now, is that I still know pain and loss very well. And they have moved to the next stage in life. The stage that I can't seem to get to no matter how hard I try.

Its like going to a carnival but not being able to get in because you don't have enough money for a ticket. I'm always on the outside looking in. I'm always the one to encourage and support. I do this because I enjoy seeing other people happy. I do this because I know the struggles that these ladies went through to get to where they are in life today. I was there. I witnessed every tear. I heard every uncertainty. I helped as best as I could.

I didn't do it because I thought my life would change and suddenly things would go my way (for once). I did it because I care about them. I did it because I remember that there were times in my life when I needed a smile and they were there to put one on my face.

But I look at them and then I look at myself. And I ask, "what is it about her that makes him love her so much?" I come up with all kinds of reasons. Then I realize that the answer is simple. She is enough for him. She doesn't have to get dressed up. She doesn't have to fight for his attention. She doesn't have to worry whether he will still be in her life after a fight.

He will be there, because he loves her.

I have met a lot of guys. And they all say the same thing.

"I like you but..." (not enough to stay in my life)
"You are a great girl, sweet, and kind but..." (there is another woman that you want to be with more, right?)
"You are perfect but..." (just not perfect enough for you to love me)

I noticed that normally when a guy goes missing, its always because there is another woman. They don't tell me goodybe or they don't explain anything to me because they don't want to hurt me. But I hate leaving things up in the air. And I hate not knowing where I stand with someone. So I would rather them just tell the truth. So I won't hoping and being faithful to them. When they don't even care about my life.

I don't share my world with just anyone because I know that they won't stay very long. Even people that I knew from high school are still "touch and go friends." I see them, when their other friends are not around. We hang out. Then they disappear again. I always seem to be the last option. The back up plan just in case things go wrong.

Oh! "Just in case things don't work out with her, then I will find you and be with you" thats what a boy told me in a love letter once. I thought it was the most romantic thing in the world. But, I guess I didn't read the first part of the sentence. I was just so happy to have a guy give me attention back then.

But that's another pattern I noticed. I'm always the "back up" plan. They never devote their entire attention, time or love to me. When I was a hopeless romantic I use to fight all day and night just to have a guy stay in my life. But the more self-aware I became the less energy I had. Then I stopped fighting all together. It doesn't make sense for me to throw myself out into a war, that he doesn't even care about winning. In some cases there I was taking all the bullets, defending him, dodging all the arrows and he would just stand there and watch me get hurt. Then when I was down, he carried on with his life as though I didn't exist at all. He moved on to another woman effortlessly and left me lying there all bloody and wounded without the slightest care in the world. 

So I grew tired.

I'm tired of being the one to keep my word. To remain as a loyal friend, lover etc. I'm tired of giving my all. I'm tired of trying. Putting my heart out on the line time and time again, only to have them doubt me. I'm tired of not being loved. Its so easy, right?

For everyone else, it is.

I'm tired of guys giving me half-hearted compliments.

Words don't mean much to me anymore. Thats why I stopped listening, because every guy I meet says the same thing and then they disappear. Sometimes they pop back into my life randomly and want to dedicate attention, but that's only because they are bored and or the girl that they really want to be with is with someone else. Everytime a guy tells me that I'm "wonderful, awesome, great" etc he is lying to my face. I'm only all those things when I'm being "superwoman" but as soon as I want to rest for a day. The moment I want to be "human" all his compliments go out the window and all his time goes to someone else.

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When guys approach me I don't see that passion in their eyes. I refuse to be with a guy that isn't passionate about me. And even if I come across a man that does have passion I still have to keep my guard up, because my next question is, "how long are you going to stick around in my life?" "how long will that passion last?"

Most times the first two months are wonderful, of course, they are attentive and loving. But then like a video game, they get bored with me and put me in the closet in a box with the rest of the video games that they no longer have a passion to play.

By the fifth month they are packing their bags and at the start of the sixth month they have moved on to their final destination. I'm just like a rest stop, it seems. A place where they can rest their hearts for awhile, renew their spirits and then continue on their way. You don't particularly remember rest stops. But maybe you might if something interesting happen there.

I just miss being loved.