I have always been a lets "make plans" person. I like to be organized in my mind as well as outside of it.
But when it comes to the dating world, you just can't be a "lets make plans" type of person.
I say this because things change so quickly. One second a person wants your affection and love and then the next minute they are ignoring you. You ask them what you did (if anything at all) and they just maintain their distance.
I always thought that the whole "let him chase me" was the number one dating rule to follow for girls. But in college I discovered that, that really is just a game. Men do like to chase, but only when its not blatantly obvious that they like you.
In my reflection...
I will say that it was my fault. I wanted to try a new approach to dating with a guy that was very insecure and therefore, could not handle the situation in a mature fashion.
But the tables would turn.
There was a period where no one could figure out why I was so "upset." Many people said that I was so angry and "bitter." And I was. I needed people to stay away from me, even though I really wanted them around. I needed to heal. To learn more about myself and my emotions.
He was a nice kid. He was very passionate about me from the start. But, I was at a point where I wanted to try to be an "adult" and get to know him. It worked out very well at first. He would come visit me at school and play pool with the other students. But not long after we starting talking, I knew there was something wrong.
Side Note(1):
When people, that you don't even really talk to that much, come up to you out of the blue and tell you that they feel that something is "not right" with whoever you are dating, you should listen to them. Because maybe they sense something about them that you can't sense or that you missed because you are "in love" and still blinded by your first impression of the person you are smitten with.
When a person tells you that they are "looking for a relationship" to your face, while staring you straight in the eye... eight times out of ten they are very sincere about their statement. But me being cynical. Me being jaded and wounded. I had one foot in and one foot out the door.
He wanted love, attention, comfort and passion. But at the time I was to involved in my own world to notice. I wanted to be loved too. But I saw it more like a business deal than anything else. Clean, neat and short. When I started to notice him paying less attention to me, that's when I realized that something was really wrong and that he was very serious about what he said to me.
The whole time I was playing this game of "let him chase me" I really did want to be in a relationship with him. But by the time I realized that he was not playing that same game. It was too late. He had moved on to someone else.
The last time I saw him I poured out my heart. I told him the truth about how I felt. I didn't hold anything back. And for two hours he and I were locked in a vicious dance of, "I want to be with you but I can't because I'm already in a romantic relationship with someone else."
We stood there talking trying to figure it out. Trying to come up with a way that it could work for both of us. But it was simple. I was too late. I was too busy playing games, following the rules that I read in a magazine that I forgot to just be honest with myself and him.
He told me that since I didn't just come out and say that I wanted to be with him, that he met someone else. He said that he told her everything. That he talked to her about everything. He said that she really understood him and accepted him for who he was.
He said that she just came out and said that she wanted to be with him and that's why he couldn't just up and leave her for me. This made me feel bad. I tried to put myself in her shoes.
Even after I heard these words. I still tried to fight for it. But I knew that I wouldn't win.
There were tears in his eyes the whole time. He tried to act "macho" infront of the other college guys. He tried to play pool aggressively, but he knew that I was sitting in the corner shocked and hurt. He claimed he wanted to be with me to see if there was still "something there." But he really came back because he wanted to see if I was still into him enough, so that he could keep me on the backburner just in case things didn't work out with his girlfriend.
And I was. But he didn't take advantage. I respect him for not playing with my head, even though he could have.
After our dance he caressed my face with the back of his hand, looked me in the eye and said, "I love you, but I'm not leaving her for you." kissed me on the cheek and walked out the door. I followed him. I wanted answers. I wanted revenge. I wanted anything that could help me fully understand why he didn't want me. The pain began to stir violently behind my rib cage. I couldn't breathe. It was as if I had just finished running around a track field for two hours none stop. My lungs were on fire. My head hurt. My heart was broken.
He got in his car. I came up next his side of the car, as his friend was getting in. I said goodbye and then my eyes fixed on his face. His eyes didn't leave mine the whole time I was standing there. It was cold outside. There were tears in his eyes. But I could feel none in mine. I was cold. I said goodbye as if I would see them tomorrow and everything would go back to normal.
When he drove away and was no longer in my view. I broke down. My heart could not hold together anymore. The tape that I used to patch myself together from my previous failed attempts at love melted away. And nothing could fix me. So I sat out there and drowned in my own tears. And I died.
I don't know how long I was out there, before these random students came and asked me if I needed help. One of them gave me a hug. And then they walked me inside.
Even as I type this, there is a pain in my heart. Not because I miss him, but because I remember the intensity of the situation and the passion and sorrow that were left in his eyes. One side of him wanted to be with me and the other side knew that he could not.
I learned a lot from that night. But I didn't let the pain of that night keep me down. No one knew what to tell me. And no one could understand why I was so hurt. So I had to dig my heels in and fight for my sanity once again. And I won, because I'm still here. And life is lovely.
1. I don't follow rules of the dating world.
2. I always say how I feel no matter what.
3. I go with the flow more so now than before because I know that people can change their mind at anytime. And so I have to adapt quickly, if I want to avoid another disappointment or heartbreak.
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