This Is Not An Illusion

How do you know what is right and what is wrong? Who tells you this? Your parents? Your friends? Law makers? Judges?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As of right now the summer is going pretty well for me. I have made time to catch up with old friends. These are the people that have been in my corner since day one. The ones who are not afraid to sit with me at my worst and to laugh with me at my best.

I will say that as far as jobs/careers go I'm still up in the air about that. But the only reason why I am is because I am going to back to school in the fall.

I have a very good feeling that once I graduate many doors will open for me. Many.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is happiness in my heart.

For the longest time I was indecisive. I wanted this. Then I wanted that. I liked this. But I didn't like that. I was picky. But the words of my good friend from college came back to me.

"What do you want?" she asked me.

At the time I could not give her a straight answer, because I truly had no clue. And normally I always feel as if I have all the answers. But when it came to that one question I was silent. Something that is rare to happen.

But I know now.

So what do I want?

I want to feel loved.

It is hard to describe exactly. On one hand I want to dive in and swim in this newfound freedom. But on the other hand I want to be cautious. Is this a trick that life is trying to pull on me?

I have been at war so long with love that I almost didn't believe that I could feel anything. For anyone. I shut myself off. I closed my heart to every opportunity to meet a new face. I threw myself into my job, my school work. Anything not to feel the pain of losing again.

Because losing is difficult but only when emotions are invested entirely.

Everytime I get close to someone I always lose them in some way. The truth is I am afraid to give too much or to give at all because I am afraid to lose. What if I say something that they don't like? What if I change in some way? Get a tattoo or my lip pierced? or whatever it might be.

It is not that my heart changed. I am still the same loving, caring individual that they met. But now I just have a tattoo or my lip pierced.

But then I thought...

If they stop wanting to be with me because of these physical changes then they never really wanted to be with ME to begin with.

As with anyone there are parts to each person that you like. You like their eyes. You like their smile. You like their personality. But do you really like them?

No. You don't. Not yet. Because you don't know much about them.

You might like being around them. You might really enjoy their company. But to fully like anyone, be it a friend or more you have to "struggle together." You have to learn together. This struggle does not necessarily have to be something tragic. It could be something simple like stopping to help someone with a flat tire (together) or helping an elderly person carry their groceries into their home (together). These are a few of the experiences that will tell you a lot about the other person.

Sure, you can listen to what they have to say. When they speak listen attentively. Every moment that you spend with them is a chance to learn something new about them; is a chance for Love. True. Pure. Unconditional Love to develop. But only if you really want it.

Wherever your heart is content the most, is where love is. Don't analyze it. Don't try to "figure it out." It is not a math equation. There is no correct answer. Just live in it.