I'm finally done. My heart is locked for good. There is no one that can get in. You would think that a person has been through enough. You would think that Life would give a person a break for a change, well at least longer than the one that I received.
Am I ungrateful? No. I'm just sad. And a bit reflective at the moment.
I mostly spend my time alone. I read. I write. I sing. I only interact with others when I absolutely have to. But recently apart of me yearns to be around other people. I want to share my smile, my laughter and my heart more each day.
But, I can't.
When it comes to a Love life. All I can say is that my heart has taken a lot of unnecessary beatings. I want to understand, why it is that I seem to be the only one out of my friends who knows loss in just about every form. I have only been remotely close to love twice in my life. But, I think this is my last time.
They leave. Sometimes I get an explanation other times I don't. And for the life of me, I can't figure out why GOD would give me such a big heart in the first place. What good is it, if you can't use it to better the life of another person?
I'm done with dating now. My heart is broken but it chooses to wait. I didn't have any control over my hearts tongue that day I was expressing my feelings. I kept pausing. I kept trying to unscramble the letters in my head to form words that I hoped they would understand.
But even with all my passion and love for life, it didn't change anything. They still had to leave. And I still had to stay here. This situation is new to me. It has been awhile since I liked anyone as much as I do them.
Most of the women I know, don't have any issues with establishing and being in long term relationships. Somehow it always works out that their men get to stay with them. I knew what risk I was taking from the very start of course, but I didn't think that I would even get this far. All of this is new to me. The emotions are familiar but the level of intensity is sort of scary yet beautiful, all in one.
When I look around I see all my friends either are engaged, getting married or having children. Maybe, it just seems that way because everytime I turn my head another friend is planning their wedding or their baby shower. I know that some would say, "But you have plenty of time for that..." And it does seem that way.
But in reality I may not.
I say this because I witnessed a beautiful, young, passionate life fade away due to a disease that they had no control over. In knowing that this can happen, why not say all the things that your heart wants to say, do all the things that you want to do and spend time with the people that care and matter most in your life?
Please, believe that I am thankful for the time that was given. I'm just sad that it had to end.
I use to think that the amount of time you spent with someone was the main factor in whether or not a connection could exist.
But I realized that it is much more than that. You could be with someone for just 3 months and be closer than maybe someone who you have known for 3 years.
I don't understand what is so wrong with me wanting a man to stay in my life and care about me. You would think that I asked Life to hand me the moon and the sun.
*sigh*
But...
I'm not jealous. And I'm not bitter. I'm just tired. Tired of feeling unappreciate. Tried of having my dreams so close only to watch them be handed to someone else. Tried of trying to get by on just an "ok." And all I can do is smile and keep walking. Keep wandering. Searching for a home where I can rest my heart for awhile.
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