Grab Your Attention: Appreciation

The truth is that nothing I did up until now was appreciated. The words that I spoke were laughed at. They looked at me as if I were a child. And maybe my immediate acceptance and passion for life were seen that way. But I knew, deep down that realism wasn't far behind.


There was nothing that I could say or do that would make them notice my heart. When I was excited about something. When I wanted to share my joy, they labeled me as "naive" patted me on the head like a "puppy" and pushed me away. Just because I wanted to see the beauty in imperfections somehow that made me "naive." It hurt. All my heart wanted to do was love. I am a lover of life. So essentially they were saying that they did not accept me.


I heard a lot. "Why do you laugh like that?" "Why do you talk like that?" "Can you smile like this?" "Can you walk like that?" "My ex use to do this." "My ex use to wear this perfume." "My best friend from back home likes this..." "My other friends think this is cool..." 


But what about my laugh? Why don't you see my "beauty?" Why do I have to be someone else just so I can be thought of as beautiful in your eyes? or likable? Why do I have to be someone else just so you can accept me?

I know what appreciation is suppose to look and feel like because I spent much of my time accepting less than its value. I couldn't figure out why they just couldn't say "thank you." I couldn't figure out why they just didn't see me. I couldn't figure out why they didn't care about my life at all. I wasn't concerned with them sharing my same interests. I wasn't concerned with them disagreeing with me, respectfully. I just wanted them to care. I just wanted them to respect me as a person.


But it was the hardest thing to do.


I always questioned where we stood. Why they said this. What this meant. Why they did that? And none of my questions were ever answered because they didn't want me to know the truth. The truth being that they really didn't care much for my life. They just wanted a "distraction" from their reality. And when their reality was no longer horrible in their eyes or the drama had diminished greatly. They returned to their world without any explanation at all. 


They never chose me. There was always something more important. There was always someone better. My heart, laugh, smile just were not enough. And I could understand if they exited my life to pursue a passion. Like maybe if they wanted to travel the world or something like that. But in most cases they flat out exited my life because I was no longer "useful" or I wasn't "the one". They didn't feel the "spark." And it was painful to admit that it was not my love that they wanted. That I was being rejected, dismissed even though I had the most love in my heart.

**************But that is life*************

So, instead of seeing my passion for life and my big heart as gifts. I saw them as burdens, pains, curses. So, I went on a quest to become the woman that the rest of the world was begging me to be from the beginning. But all I discovered was that it was a sad, lonely life. It wasn't that I needed other people to exist. It was that, in that hateful, negative state I could no longer attract loving, caring people to me. All I attracted were people who wanted to take, use and hurt me. And then it just turned into a comfortable cycle.


Until I stopped telling my heart to be quiet.


"Its wrong for you to want to know love."
"You are suppose to be fiercely independent."
"Friends? You don't need friends because you are independent."
"Love isn't real."
"Just make money."
"Focus on you. Its all about YOU! YOU! YOU!"
"Why do you want to care about other people?"


Those are the kind of messages that I was sending my heart. And in receiving those messages my heart began to wither.


People can call that peaceful feeling you get inside anything that they want. Love, Acceptance, Serenity. But I choose to call it love. It may not be deep, but that's because Real Love takes time to develop. Its also because Love comes in all different forms, shapes and sizes. Some people have passionate love that lasts them until they die. Some people have romantic love that lasts them only a few years. But maybe those were the best years. 

I am aware that people go through various forms of pain everyday. So, my pain was no different than the next person who may have experienced a similar situation. Because no two situations are ever exactly the same. But, the outcome was different. Instead of bouncing back. I was going to let myself drift into a motionless life. I was going to conform to the stereotypes. I was going to be what others wanted to me to be. Then maybe in conforming I would finally find "peace."


But I knew, deep down. That the "peace" would not have any value. I would be lying to myself the whole time. Something that I swore to myself I would never do.

When people met me I kept them at a distance. What do they want from me? What people failed to realize, even now,  is that being the "model-like" type has an "ugly" side too. Some people just want to be in my life because they know that I attract attention. So, they use my beauty to gain their frame. Some people when they look at me just see dollar signs. But then, there are a few people who see me as a young woman, with sad eyes but a loving heart.

I know that there is a possibility that the people I choose to love could exit my life one day. It is not in my power to make them stay. I can only provide them with the option to "see me."  And hope that they will choose me.