I (F-e-e-l) Beautiful

I'm use to feeling like a freak, a weirdo or an outsider for the thoughts that I think, the theories that I come up with and for my ability to write more often than most people care to read. "You write too much!" "You think too much!" "You love too much!" "You care too much!"  To the outside world these are my "imperfections." I didn't want people to know that I was "me." 


I felt distant. I felt tired. I thought I could go through the motions of young adulthood without experiencing too much damage. I thought it was best to go through the world without connecting. I always had passion. But it was passion set to a sing-a-long. 


In a sing-a-long unexpected things don't happen. You know the words, because they are on the screen. You sing the words that you see on the screen and you never deviant from those words. But in life, I learned, that it is okay to "ad lib." There is never a certain time when you can add a "La La" or a "oh" but as long as you are singing, and you are happy with the song that your heart has created, then all is well.


That is my passion. Music. Singing. I think, that anyone could tell you that when I'm singing my heart is peaceful. Content. Satisfied.

People have always told me that I was beautiful. I even heard a few times that I was "perfect." Their compliments use to fuel my existence. And all I wanted to do was live for being perfect. But I didn't want to make any moves. I didn't want to take any risks. I didn't want to try. Because I was afraid that I would fail and I wouldn't be "perfect" anymore.


But in living to be "perfect" I became too serious. I became distant. I became cold. My heart was broken, not by any one person but by my lack of honesty with myself about what I wanted and about who my heart was screaming for me to accept; any attempt to change that would drive me insane. Love? Who needs it. Life? Take advantage of it. Work. Work. Work. Forget? About other people. Close off your heart. Cut them all out. Don't trust anyone??????????????????????????


But, then I realized that's a pretty shitty life to live and at the core of my "soul" that is not the person I'm suppose to accept.

I am a lover of life.  I don't have to be "perfect" to be that way.

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There is a difference between someone genuinely finding interest in you and someone just wanting you around for a single purpose. The purpose? Maybe they want you around to make themselves feel better. Maybe they like the attention you give to them. Whatever it may be, its not because they truly like spending time with you. There is always a catch, right? Some hidden reason.


But then you meet a person (or people) who helps you see a different side.


I am peaceful

I am free

I am love

I am happy

I am singing

I am living

My laugh isn't questioned. My hugs are not pushed away. My thoughts are not belittled. My heart doesn't have to be a shield in order to defend the rest of my "kingdom." I can rest. I can live. I can love. 
I can wear makeup or I can take my makeup off. I can exist in a world where I am not expected to be anyone, nor do anything. Except for live. Except for love.

"Paradise"

I'm treated like a human. My suggestions are taken into consideration. My laugh is heard and shared. I am able to create theories. I am able to receive honest feedback. My thoughts are not ridiculed nor are they seen as annoying. I don't have to pretend to be less intelligent just to fit in. I don't have to pretend that I like something, (a TV show, a movie, a cartoon etc) when I really don't. I don't have to wear tons of makeup just to be noticed and accepted. I don't have to be "theatrical" to get attention. I don't have to beg and cry just to get them to understand me or accept me for who I am. To the outside world I'm "strange" because I think more than the the majority of people. I am extremely self-aware of my emotions and I analyze every detail. But there my gifts are not considered bad. 

There has been a change in me. I can feel it. And maybe its due to the fact that for the first time, in a very long time. I was able to put my sword and shield away for awhile. I don't know how long this peace will last. I have to be realistic about all possible outcomes. But the one thing that I know, is that I'm confident that this is the "home" that I would like to rest my heart at for awhile. Its a clean paradise. And I don't have to be perfect to get there. 

Just feel beautiful, in my own skin. 


Thank you.