The New Phase: Last Semester of Undergrad

This is an interesting time for me. This is my last semester. I will be graduating in December if everything works out. The only thing that would hold me back, is if I don't choose to put in quality effort into my work. But, I don't have any distractions. There is no immediate tension in my heart, the way there was over the summer. So, I don't have any excuse not to do well this semester.


I will admit that I was anxious over the summer. I will confess that I did feel "lost." I wasn't sure if I would be strong enough to go through this last semester. I was afraid that it would be too much work, or that I would be too lazy or that I would lose focus. I was afraid that I would fail. And over the summer, I was looking for a way out instead of preparing for the fight right in front of me. The fight, to graduate. The fight, to get my degree. The fight to finally move on with my life.


I wanted a security net. I wanted something to keep me ground in one world, while I was away "battling" in this world. But it doesn't work that way. I can not ask anyone to wait for me. It would be unfair. It would be selfish. Not that they cared all that much about me to begin with.


I feel ready now. I feel focused. I feel prepared. 
I'm in a new phase where I am tired of the drama and the tension that other people bring into my life. I know that I have to take responsibility for some of the negative energy as well, because I am the one that let them enter into my castle. I am the one that would not walk away when I knew that I should have. But, I didn't walk away because I thought they would be mature enough to handle the situation, since they so adamantly claimed that they were superior to so many people and that they were in fact quite intelligent. But, when I saw behind their mask I knew that they were just afraid. Like me. They were afraid of the change. 


I also decided that I'm not going to people the benefit of the doubt anymore. If they say that they are "crazy" I will take them at their world and I will not associate with them. I'm tired of "crazy." I'm tired of "lets have fun." I'm tired of "lets see where this will go." I'm ready to be in a relationship. I want it to start out as a friendship and then build into a solid relationship. As of now, I will take my time to get to know people. I will no longer assume that everyone is good. Because now that I have seen human evil face to face. I can't go back to pretending that it does not exist or at least that it can not exist around me.

I'm going to be firm about what I want. About what I like and don't like. I'm not going to be rude when I express any of this. I will not be cruel. I will simply let the other person know. So they will have a sense of what I am like and from there they can decide if they want to be friends or not. 


I'm content with my life. I'm glad to be back in school. I'm glad to be around new and old faces. I'm glad to be busy again. I'm glad that I get the chance to learn more about me and to further my education. I will not let anyone hold me back from greatest. 

I have come a very long way from who I use to be and where I was in life. And, I will sacrifice my personal growth for no one. Not even in the name of love. A concept that most people have no true faith in to being with.


But I do. And at the core of it all. It is all I know.