Castle In The Sky/The Intelligence & I

I believe with all of that my heart that I was born to love another person or other people. That must be the case since I want to help and care about other people so much. 


You would think that being single would be a good thing, especially right now for this time in my life, right? But being single actually causes me more stress. I function better when I am in a relationship. I function better when I have the opportunity to do what I do best and that is: to love someone else. To protect another persons' life. To bring joy to another person. 


But I have found that most men who I meet are in some type of transitional period as I have said before or they are too busy with work and family life to dedicate time to developing a healthy relationship.


I am aware that the type of relationship that I want will not happen over night. I have said that before too. But I'm ready to fight for it. So why won't life present the battle to me? 


Maybe life thinks that I am strong enough.


Maybe I haven't learned all the lessons that I need to learn yet.


Maybe life knows that once I step into the battlefield there is no turning back for me.


I keep seeing a trend of whorish women with really goodhearted men and I'm starting to wonder if I should change in some way or just go along with the flow. Just give in to this new trend. 


But... even if I wanted too. I couldn't. 


I seem to have the most trouble out of everyone that I know with dating. I had more luck in high school believe it or not. I think it is so depressing. I am at a time where things are going well. I am finally getting my life on track the way I want. In my head and in my life things are starting to make sense. I really want to have a man in life who will share in my joy. I don't see why that is such an issue. If anything a man should happy that I want to share my positive energy with him and or my joy. 


But it doesn't seem that most guys nowadays are attracted to the idea of "better oneself" or "positive energy. etc. 

I'm tired of being single because all I do is live for myself. All I do is think about what I want and need. All I do is give to myself. Look after myself. Fight for myself. Its lonely. I feel like I'm a queen in a castle high above the clouds all alone. No servants. No suitors. Nothing. Just me and my thoughts. Me and my intelligence. *sigh*  I am a person that needs to "take care" of another person in order to feel peaceful. I am a person that needs to feel needed even  if they really don't need me at any given time. At least if they do, they know that I will be right there. 


Time seems to be the issue all the time. Its always the wrong time or there is never enough time. A couple of my friends are married and they now have children. And although, I have a strong desire to be a mother I know that I want my children to benefit from having both of their parents. So I really want to take my time and find a man deserving of me carrying his children. 


But, although the desire to have children is strong. I know that it is unrealistic. I have said this before. I know this. I really do. But it doesn't stop me from wanting that. 


I guess, I look at my friends and see how far they have come. And then I look at my pathetic dating attempts and think "my god I'm still in the same boat. Dealing with the same shit." 


Bad timing/Not enough time
Old emotional baggage
No education


Those seem to be the 3 re-occurring lessons.