I said that you have to "Know what you stand for." I continued to say, "you may not remember my name but you will know what I stand for" But then when a guy said something nice to me or when a guy showed me excessive amounts of attention somehow all my "preaching" went out the window and I started making excuses for the guy just because I wanted his attention and affection to remain.
This book has really helped to open my eyes.
I had the right idea. I knew I wasn't THAT "crazy". But I just didn't stick to what I was preaching about. I just wasn't confident enough in myself to stand up for myself. I kept thinking, "Well maybe this one will be different." The truth is, all men are the same until their actions show otherwise. Once their actions start to show that they are a man that can be trusted and that they are man that loves and cares about me, then I can firmly say that he is different. But this has to be an ongoing thing. Not a two week deal or a 6 month deal etc.
I decided to break this book down by its chapters. I highlighted the ones that I really saw myself most in. The first one being:
Chapter 2: He's Just Not That Into You If He's not Calling You.
I can't express enough how many times I have been disappointed after giving a guy my number. It would always be a situation like: He would flirt with me, act like he is interested in my life, I would give him my number. He would text me a few times, maybe even call once or twice but then just stop calling out of the blue. Then I would frantically text him and call him.
But see, I have learned to pick up on when something is just not right. So, when I feel that I have to frantically scramble to think of ways to keep a guy interested, I know that he will not stay in my life for very long afterward. Before I read this book and understood it I would have just kept trying to get them to call me and text me. I would constantly ask them why they don't text me or call me that much and I would never get a straight answer if one at all. And it would bother me so much because all I wanted to do was find out the truth. When the truth was right in my face the whole time. He just wasn't that into me.
Chapter 3: He's Just Not That Into You If He's Not Dating You
This chapter really hit home for me. I was seeing a guy once for awhile (awhile being longer than a month lol). In the beginning he was very attentive. He would text and call me just about everyday. We would stay on the phone and talk for awhile. He would come to see me just about every other weekend. Then about the third month I started to notice a change.
He called less. He only replied to my text messages every now and then. And then there was a point where he disappeared completely for about three weeks. I thought that it was just to due to him being in the military. I mean after all, the military (depending on what job you have) can be really demanding. And their time is never their own. But then he popped back into my life and things just were not the same. It was like pulling out teeth trying to get him to call me. So I just settled for us sending texts back and forth. Finally there was a point when I jokingly asked him if he was my "boyfriend"( The oh so big scary word (like the word commitment) that only men who are not into you runaway from because they know that you are not the one) and by golly he threw a text message tantrum! I mean he was as sarcastic and mean about the whole thing, as he wanted to be. He said something like, "your grandmother has black heads older than our relationship. You are young. What will you do when I'm gone overseas..." Everything he could think of except what I was hoping to hear. And that's when I realized. That he just wasn't that into me. Because if he was, he wouldn't have hesitated to claim me as his girlfriend.
Chapter 9: He's Just Not That Into You If He's Disappeared on You
There was a guy that I was talking to. We were not talking very long, but he assured me that he was interested in me. He told me that he liked me. He even came to see me etc. But I noticed that he never asked me questions about my life. He never sent me good morning texts. The one time we spoke on the phone he seemed to be distracted. He just didn't seem to be that passionate about me. I sent him a text just to say "hey hope your day is going well." And I continued to check my phone the remainder of the day waiting for him to text back. It was strange. Just the other day he would text me right back. Just the other day, he was all ready to see me. Then I waited another day and still I received no text. Poof! Gone! Vanished! No goodbye. No "leave me the hell alone." Nothing. Just disappear. This chapter actually made tears come to my eyes, because this has happen to me numerous times. This has happen when the guy would say things like, "I'm honest and I don't have anything to hide" "I say it like it is" No. You only say it like it is when the situation is favorable to you.
I always tell guys upfront that they don't have to lie nor hold anything back from me. If they don't wish to see me again they should just be honest about it. But what I now firmly believe (even though my grandmother says this to me often) is that guys are just not as honest as they would like to think they are. They say that they will be honest with you if they have a change of heart. They say they will not beat around the bush or bullshit. But that's just their "I'm trying to impress you and make you think that I'm worthy of your attention and time but when shit hits the fan I'm running because I would rather run than to deal with your emotions and or to explain to you why I don't like you." This to me is cowardly. But, there isn't much I can do about that. The answer is there. He disappeared because he's just not that into me. The End.
Chapter 11: He's Just Not That Into You If He's a Selfish Jerk...
I made every excuse in the world for this one guy I was interested in. I blamed it on his childhood. I blamed it on him being in the military. Hell, I even blamed it on the economy, him being so young and having to deal with paying bills etc.
He treated me nice (sometimes). But the thing is that I never knew when he would treat me nice again. I was always walking on eggshells around him. It was as if he was looking at me, thinking that I was another person. Perhaps an ex girlfriend that he really was in love with but didn't really trust.
He told me that he had a mental disorder the second day that we hung out. I did not judge him on that. I told myself that I would get to know him in spite of it. I thought, "well if he would take his medication then he would be all right." The truth was that I wanted to be the one that he changed for. Nope. It wasn't going to happen.
I will not say that there are not many factors that contributed to why he acted the way he did. But I do know that the situation was an unhealthy one. He threw a tantrum in the store (literally loudly fussed me out) because he thought I was judging him. On his "good" days, he would make dinner. But mostly he just wanted to be to himself, even when I was there. When we would get into a disagreement he would yell at me to "stop talking" even though I spoke in a soft voice and I was trying to understand the situation.
One time I drew him a picture, just something silly and fun and he threw it to the ground. He said a lot of cruel things to me. I don't know if that was apart of his personality or if it was because of the disorder. But one thing I did realize is that, if he was into me he would treat me like a queen and not like some gum that was stuck on his new shoe that he was desperately trying to get off. There were moments when we had nice conversations, but I never knew when those would happen. We always did things the way he wanted them to be done and when I made a suggestion to do something different, he would say something like, "well you can get out of my house." "Well, you can just leave then." Even though all I did was suggest that we try something different.
He rarely had anything nice to say about any of my ideas. I was in love with him because he had all the physical character traits that I always wanted in my ideal man. He was tall, had dirty blonde hair and green eyes. He had tattoos. And he was really intelligent (he knew random facts about random different topics). But he was cold. And he was uncaring.
I thought at the time, that I didn't want to be a "quitter." That if I just waited. That if I just held on and "showed" him that I was strong enough to handle him during his bad days, that eventually he would realize how wonderful I am and just love me.
But after reading this book I realized, "you know what I'm glad that I didn't stay in that fucked up relationship. Why would I want to be with someone that makes me cry every other day? And that stresses me out? I have enough stress in my life on my own I don't need someone in my life to add more."
Now, that I have read this book I will never settle for anything than less than what I want. I have standards. Some say that they are too high, but they are high for a reason because I know that I am a good woman and that I deserve to be happy.
A new rule I adopted is:
If he thinks a commitment before sex is too serious, then having sex without one is way TOO serious for me.
I want to be in a loving, healthy relationship with a man who respects and appreciates my life. I want to love a man wholeheartedly. I want to know what it is like to be loved wholeheartedly by a man in return. I know that this may not happen over night. We will have to get to know one another. We will have to take our time. But I know that it is possible, as long as I don't waste anymore time on guys who are just not that into me.
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