Yes, more than anything on this planet.
Why?
Because I want my heart to be protected so I can have more focus on other areas in my life
I want my heart to be protected so that I can stop focusing on me and focus on saving lives (lives of children (without parents).
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I don't have time to think about being in love. I pretty much spent most of my time on this college trying to establish romantic relationships and trying to make long last friendships. But, my idea was to always "keep" these people as close to me as possible. But somehow it works out better when I keep a distance between myself and the people I care about.
For example: My first year roommate. I love her so much. When I needed a shoulder to cry on, she was there. When I need help in understanding something (a life problem, homework etc) she never failed to help me as best as she could. She was always patient and EXTREMELY understanding and kind.
We are still friends today, although our life paths went in different directions.
I use to be very fanatical about LOVE and the IDEA behind being in love. How wonderful would it be to have someone who leaves and breathes for just you? Who does everything in their power to make you smile? Who caters to your every need? Who lavishes you with Undivided attention and an abundance of SMOTHERING AFFECTION?
That would be the dream for most women. To have a man to love them regardless of when changes occur in their lives. Yeah, that would be great... but the problem is that once you get a taste of that Romantic world you spend the majority of your time trying to maintain it. The reality is, that being in love won't last forever and that LOVE changes over time. This change could be that you two get closer or it could be that you two put distance between one another. But neither outcome should be looked at as "GOOD" or "BAD" because either way you are presented with a chance to learn something new about yourself.
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Graduation is only a month away and that means that I have to finish my graduate school applications, put my resume out there, continue to do well on my tests, continue to work, look into finding a place to call "home" among other things. So, I don't have time to worry about being romantic.
Apart of this being romantic comes a drive to give love to a man. The idea (was) that if I give enough love to a man of my interest that he would eventually see how great I am and start giving back to me (because he wants to, not out of obligation). The problem with this is that I can't deny that I want to receive love too. So, at first I do all the giving. And eventually I become annoyed or impatient when I don't receive an immediate "response" that is favorable to me.
I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out WHY this was not working. It wasn't working for many reasons, but the main one was that it was because I was in transition (still am). There were too many mixed signals. I wanted something long term. I thought that I would be in a healthy loving romantic relationship through my four years. My freshman year that was the idea. But then I was introduced to something called power. And that is where the struggle began.
The dates I went on (in reflection to my junior and senior year more so) were not interested in anything long term because they were also UNCERTAIN about where they would be in the next 3 months or so.
The other issue was once I discovered: POWER.
The entire dating field changed. I started to get men who just wanted a "taste" of my power instead of wanting to get to know me. I wore my "power" on my sleeve. Daring any man to "step over the line." But, with POWER came the understanding that I did not know how to balance it. Then the conflict arrived. Push back POWER, turn up the SWEETNESS in order to keep a man in my life longer than a week or even a month?
Turning up the POWER, helped in the sense that I was able to walk away from a back situation more easily than before. But it backfired in that it left me craving for something to fill that spot once I cut them out of my life.
Most people don't have issues with attachment, but I do.
In my head time seems longer than it really it. Two days for someone else could seem like four days to me. And etc. I have never been in a satisfying healthy relationship, that start out with friendship first and then lead to being being in a romantic relationship. So, when a man that I'm interested tells me to "Go with the flow" and or "lets take it slow" I find that their idea of "SLOW" is too "SLOW" for me. Although, it is important to KNOW the person that you are establishing a romantic relationship with, I also believe that learning about someone is an ONGOING PROCESS. WHY? Because people change every single day. The other thing is that their idea of "SLOW" translates to WASTING TIME in my head. I know if I want to be in a relationship with someone within a week of knowing them. And then I find out about them as I go along. Some would disagree with this approach. But this is one approach that I can not change. This is due in part because I value the IDEA of the TITLE (girlfriend). This TITLE, to me gives me an incentive to do more things, be more sweet, care more etc for the man of my interest. Also, giving me the title makes me less paranoid about him still "looking."
I'm still in between two ideas though:
The first idea is that, a man KNOWS if he wants to purse a relationship with you after the first date or not.
The second idea is that, a man has to get to know you (time variable) before he decides if he wants to make you his gf or not.
The first idea goes with that whole "THE SPARK" thing. Sometimes you just KNOW.
The second idea is more realistic. Grounded in facts.
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