I learned about myself (despite being a little bit too "gone"). In the past I tried so hard to keep people in my life who didn't want to be there. I couldn't understand why they mistreated me. I couldn't understand why they never had anything nice to say about me. But, it was right in front of my face the entire time. They didn't WANT to be there. When you have people in your life who WANT to be around you, the entire universe shifts into order. All the ups and downs, all the questions, all the tears, all the uncertainty etc it doesn't exist.
Your heart is no longer heavy.
It took me a long time to finally realize that not everyone you meet is meant to stay in your life. Some people are just "hi and bye" friends.
But, even though I was "gone" (lol) I was very observant. I kept track of everyone who attended the party. And those people will be the people that I care about. If any of those who attended the party ever need me for anything I will be right by their side to help them.
I don't play when it comes to friendships. It is hard enough in the world to meet good people, much less meet someone who actually wants to be your friend. People, nowadays are so hateful and mean. They don't give two shits about not using someone. They don't care who they step on just to get to the top. And when they do get to the top they don't worry about bringing anyone else (the people who helped them get there) with them. The word is called: SELFISH. And that is one thing I have found that irks my nerves the most about some people.
Being at the party was the first time in a long time when I felt connected to so many people at once. I honestly value, THE HUMAN CONNECTION, positive energy and love. I thought it would be awkward because not everyone knew one another. I thought I would have to spend the entire night introducing everyone. But, I had to remind myself...
"You are not playing MOMMY this weekend. They are adults. They can introduce themselves to one another. It is your night to just be a drunk party girl. Stop worrying so much about what everyone else wants, how everyone else feels, just for one night and have have fun!"
(well I didn't think all of that, but you know what I mean lol)
This is why I told myself that I could never be with a SELFISH man. A man that only thinks about himself. Is only out to take care of him. A man that doesn't even try to care about how you feel or why you feel that way. The one thing I learned is that:
YOU CAN NOT CHANGE A SELFISH HEART!
I was hoping that an old friend from the summer would write to me and say happy birthday. I only thought they would remember because I remembered their birthday. But, I didn't have time to be hurt by their lack of care for my life because I was surrounded by plenty of people who did care that night. People, who came out in the cold and rain just to have a few drinks and laughs for my birthday. It really meant a lot to me.
As of Dec 10th. I told myself that I would not beg, try to change nor try to force any friendship. If, whoever did not want to be apart of my awesome life for whatever reason, then it would simply be there loss. I found, that I'm always the first to "make things better" when something is wrong. But, I had to pause and ask myself, "WHY?" Why should I have to do all the work? Why should I have to break my back and turn my head all around my body just to try and save a friendship that they don't have much passion for anyway?
When you are mistreated for so long and then you finally meet people who actually care about you and want to see you happy, you have to truly change your mentality and quickly. The "old" you is still on defense mode. But, the change has to happen fast or else you will lose those people who care about you.
I met a lot of new faces at the party! There wasn't any drama. He said! She said! It was just everyone hanging out having a good time. There wasn't anyone calling me names or telling me that I was being "naive" or immature for wanting to have fun. No one was grabbing on me or trying to force me into a room.
It truly is an amazing feeling to be in such good company. And even the next morning was just as amazing. I'm glad that I finally have people in my life that care about me. I'm happy that I finally have people in my life that I can care about too. Caring is my specialty. That is just how I am. I want everyone to be happy. And I know that it can be done with lots of love and positive energy.
Thank you so much to everyone who came out to help celebrate! I'm so glad that Tim is back in the States safe! Let's not stop the happy memories there though! There are plenty more years to come! Love you guys so much!
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