Many people walked into my life and walked out without a care in the world. Some people walked into my life, wiped their muddy boots on my heart told me that I wasn't good enough and disappeared without looking back.
But, I didn't need to prove to them that I was good enough. I need to prove to myself that I was. And so, I prepared myself to win yet another battle.
I learned that I'm the only one that can make me happy.
I learned that I'm the only one that will take care of me.
I learned what a real friend was.
I learned how to be a real friend.
I learned how to communicate effectively.
I learned to pick and choose my battles more wisely.
I learned that not everyone you meet is suppose to stay in your life.
I learned that I shouldn't care and help everyone because some people are not deserving of it.
I learned that sometimes my big heart gets me into trouble,
but only when I am overzealous in my concern.
I learned to leave the past in the past.
I learned to speak to people in a nice tone.
I don't always have to be THE FEMINIST. I don't always have to "fight" everyone that comes into my life.
I can still be just as bold, and brave as before but I don't have to be rude about my approach.
I learned to trust my heart. Because, my heart knows more than I gave it credit for.
Yesterday was a perfect day. My family arrived. My boyfriend was there. I met a new friend. She was graduating too. And even though I may never see her again, just the thought that she introduced me to her family and I introduced her to mine will be a memory that I will never forget.
In the past I preached about the: HUMAN CONNECTION. I think people thought I had gone insane.
"THE HUMAN CONNECTION" what the heck are you talking about? Well, yesterday was an example of that human connection. The flow of the universe. Where everything goes right. Everyone is getting along. Everyone is happy.
When I first walked in she took out her bobby pins and helped me pin my hair so my hat wouldn't fall off while I was walking across the stage. She offered to do this willingly. I told her thank you. I honestly believe that she was an angel. I honestly believe that, somehow my mothers spirit was inside of this woman for the brief moment that we were together that day. We chatted just like we were old friends.
And then afterward, she introduced me to her tall and beautiful family. They were all tall. She was the only short one. And gave each and everyone of them a hug and told them that they had a lovely woman in their life. And to appreciate her.
I could have been seated next to ANYONE. But, I'm glad I was seated next to her.
Now that, I am a graduate the things that I use to think about and worry about are no longer a priority. I was always a pretty serious person. But, now is the time for me to kick things into high gear and really put my seriousness to use. I have a really good feeling about this new life. I have a great feeling about all the possibilities that will unfold once I really get things rolling. I just have to continue to be patient. This is the one thing that I will most certainly continue to work on.
There are so many directions that I could take my life in, but at the core of it all I really want to make sure that I remain: CLASSY. In whatever option I choose to purse.
Graduation: When I saw my step dad I did get teary eyed. I didn't really know how to feel. I know that he is not my real dad, but he is the only one that I know. The realization that I was no longer a little girl, and that I really did have a family hit me all at once. I still have a family even if my mother is not around. And that thought caused me to have tears in my eyes before taking pictures. I had to quickly make a joke in order to clear them away so that I could take nice pictures.
Living without my mother is not any easy thing to deal with. Especially yesterday. But, I had my aunts there and somehow with them combined they kind of share the personality that my mother had. People think that I talk about my mothers absence too much, and maybe it is time to move on, to talk about it less and less. I accept that she is gone. But, I refuse to accept that I have to forget about her memory or to stop sharing the good times that I shared with her, with other people. There are not many people who know how to handle loss. So, they honestly don't know what to say. I use to be angry by this, "why don't you know what to say?" But, now I fully understand. Loss, no matter what phase in your life you are in is never an easy thing to comprehend. Sometimes we just sit back and say, "I can't believe it..."
But...
I wasn't really sure how things would work out with my step dad being there. I'm glad he was able to be there though. I still have a lot of questions about the past. Why did this happen? What made you act that way? Etc But, when I saw him yesterday my anger for the past went away. I think yesterday was not only a day to celebrate new life, but also to celebrate a new life with forgiveness at its center.
There is no one to blame for my mother not being on this earth.
I wish that I could go back and live with my step-dad and sister. I wish that the three of us could be a family. But I know that there isn't any room for me there. It is a difficult realization to come by when the people that you were most close to in growing up don't have any room for you. But, it is reality. I'm an adult now. And although, I know that they will always be in my corner. I can't rely on my seven year old self to depend on them anymore. For, the longest time my heart was so broken because I felt like I didn't have a family or anyone who could understand. But, now. after 4 years of back and forth and ups and downs. I gained a bigger family that I could ever imagine possible. So, I'm not alone. Anymore.
Plans as of now:
I plan on going to graduate school, but if that doesn't work out this semester. I will go get some kind of certificate in a field that I know I will benefit from learning from. The objective is to continue learning. Whether in a class room or out in the world. The more I learn the better off I will be. The more I learn about myself, the closer I will be to a permanent serenity within my heart.
There is NO TURNING BACK! And there is NO GIVING UP!
We did it MOM!
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