I'm not a person that lives to hate others. I'm a lover of life. I have a passionate heart. But it is my passion to love that often gets me into trouble. I don't know what this imbalance in life is suppose to mean. I don't understand why every man that comes into my life just walks right back out again. I have tried to figure it out countless times. I have picked myself a part in every single way, but now of it makes sense. When they ask for sweet I give sweetness, but then it seems to be too much. When they ask for a more confident woman... I stand with my head held high. They are proud to "show me" around. They are happy to have me next to them. But it is not enough to get them to appreciate what matters the most: my heart.
I recently had someone from my past randomly text me and tell me that they were back in the states and that they wanted to give me back my mothers picture. I should not have given them her picture to begin with, but that was the summer that I had the most passion. I know that my mother is an angel. I wanted her to protect them while they were away, taking care of business.
But, I knew that they did not appreciate the gift that I was giving to them because they were hesitant to receive it and even seemed a little upset that I would be so kind. The last time we were together I remember crying, because I knew that the time had come for us to part and that, that was our last moment together.
There would be no more mini adventures. There would no longer be any laughter between us. The thing that got me was that they said that they wouldn't disappear. I remember them saying this because I remember feeling very uncertain about getting my feelings involved with them to begin with. But even still, we shared a lot of life stories with one another. We were best-friends. And then they did the one thing that I knew would break my heart: they disappeared.
That was a very hard summer for me. I lost my best-friend, I got fired from a basic job for being "too nice" and then because I was hurting so much from the lost of my friend I ran to the arms of someone who hated me for being kind, caring and wanting to love. They were annoyed by my existence. They were verbally abusive. They threw things. They raised their voice. And they didn't care if I stayed or not. That was the closest I had ever come to being abused besides the one or two times in high school when a guy I dated would raise his hand to me. I guess, he thought he was being "cute." Who knows...
They popped out of nowhere. No, you don't get to come back into my life after months of being gone. I sent text messages. I sent emails of concern. I was worried. I was scared. I cared. They were not just someone that I had hopes of being romantic with, they were my friend. And for them to just disappear without any second thought really let me know where their heart was. And sadly, it was not with me.
But, I should have known when I waited for them to get off of work for 8 hours, only to end up in a parking lot to finally meet them that they were no good for me. The right thing for them would have been to come and get me first and then go grab a drink from the bar. But, they changed their clothes right after work, went to grab a drink from the bar, sat around for awhile and then they came to pick me up. They left me out in a dark parking lot. I thought they had forgotten me. I was patient. I forced myself to be that way because I appreciated anytime time that I could spend with them. I was understanding. I was kind. I was sweet. I was everything that they hoped I would be and more. But, I wasn't enough.
They had plenty of time before my feelings were invested to tell me that they were not as passionate about me as I was about them. In 5 months, you know if you want to be with someone or not. I mean, hell, by the second date you know if you want to invest extra time into someone. They always paid for everything and they didn't mind picking me up to drive me places. But, it was their time that I wanted and needed. I don't have any proof that during the time they were with me they were intimate with other women... but I wouldn't count that notion out.
There was a point when they disappeared for about 3 weeks. No call. No email. And I waited. I was patient. Again. I prayed. And when they entered back into my life I was just so relieved to hear from them. I was happy to know that they were okay. I didn't even complain nor ask them any questions of where they had been nor what they had been doing.
I didn't care. They were safe.
But, then here they pop up again. And I'm suppose to rejoice because they finally contact me? I'm suppose to get on my knees and thank them for coming back into my life? No. I'm pissed! I'm upset! I'm angry! I'm frustrated! I don't want anything to do with them. The only thing they can do for me is return my mother's photo and then disappear. Because that is what they are best at. They never had the balls to talk to me face to face about the situation(like they said they would do). They never could look me in the eye and say that it is over or that they didn't want to be with me anymore. I would have had more respect for them if they had. But since they chose to run, I only associate the word: coward, with them. And that is all I remember them by. And nothing else.
How can you go from talking to someone every single day to not saying anything at all?
Just disappear.
Just stop caring about someone that you claimed to be happy to have in your life?
It may be my curse that I am not allowed to get close to any man ever in this life. And I think I am finally starting to accept that, that is the only life that can benefit me. I have given. I shared my heart. I wanted to make them happy. I was "perfect." And so, now when they ask me "Why am I so pissed off?" I can't even hide my disgust at their insensitivity. Their lack of awareness, annoys me. I am not the sweet young woman that I use to be. My heart is scarred. And I can not go back to the level of passion I use to have for love.
I'm tired of men lusting after me. I'm tired of being used. I'm tired of men always expecting something from me. You can't just enjoy having me around, you want me to perform and bat my eyes like an idiot for your entertainment. You can't just appreciate that I'm a kind woman you want to do things to provoke me, so that I'm mean and critical. So, I choose to keep my distance. Never getting too close to anyone. So, I can never feel that kind of pain again.
No comments:
Post a Comment