I don't write for anyone else's benefit but my own. I have a lot of thoughts that swirl in my head and I would like to make sense of them before I share them with other people in conversation.
I use to be a girl that would just jump into a relationship based off of a feeling. I liked their attention. I liked being noticed. They said things to make me feel "pretty." I fell into their trap willing because I wanted to feel connected to something beyond my own existence.
But, what I found was that short term relationships that were based off of superficiality did nothing for me except leave me feeling empty. I didn't have the strength to walk away from a bad situation because I thought if I "worked" it out and or stayed somehow the connection would get better or grow stronger because I was the one to stay and "fight," as I am often more likely to do.
But I was fighting for all the wrong reasons and people.
It is possible to have a short term relationship with someone who you connect with on so many levels; have them move on in their lives and not feel as if they have stolen something from you nor feel disappointed that they didn't stay in your life. It is selfish, I have found, to expect anyone to stay in your life and revolve their waking hours around you 24/7. So, yes I would want the people that I enjoy being around to hang out with me often, but I would not want them to put their growing experience on hold because I want them to stay with me or hang out with me all the time.
People left my life not because I wasn't interesting, but because it was time for them to continue on their journey. They also left because I was at a dark phase in my life where my heart could not love and did not want to be associated with any positive vibe. I wanted to wallow in my pity. I wanted a reason to battle so that I could feel powerful. But being that way only exhausted me. And instead of gaining power to help others. I lost power, by losing people in my life who use to look up to me in some way.
So, I had to change. And I did for the better.
I honestly think that you should be friends with someone for at least a year before you consider dating them.
This gives you more time to learn about them without any pressure put to a time limit. People run when they feel pressured into doing something or making a choice. They would rather hide within themselves than to step out and address whatever situation might be. It is sad that in my generation there is a more of a "retreating" kind of outlook. But, that is partly because no one has ever been strong enough to be the first to stand up and encourage them to try. Do not be afraid to try.
This isn't to say that just because you are friends with someone first, and that you should automatically date them. Sometimes the best connections are the ones that are left with the "friends" title. Not because the connection isn't strong enough, but because both parties are not in the right phase of their lives to be in a romantic relationship. Then sometimes the connection does not require a title at all. This can be good because now there are no expectations for either party. So when they are together they can love and when they are apart they can maintain their individuality without feeling guilty for being who they are.
The other thing about two people being in a relationship is that they have to sit down and talk about what type of relationship they want to have. There are a lot of people who would say that it should just "flow." Oh yeah? Well that leads it to flow anywhere. If you don't have a foundation, then how will you have anything to test it against?
It is like the 3 little pig story. If each pig did not build their individual homes, then how would they knoq if the wolfs breath was strong enough to blow down which house? They would not. So that would leave them in the dark about just how much power the wolf actually had. You know?
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But...I have to say that my heart is no longer lonely. Now that I have experienced a connection with another life to this magnitude I can never go back to settle for just a "hi and goodbye" type of friendship. I want all of my friendships to have depth. I could not find this depth before because I was seeking for a quick way to heal. And if that meant jumping into a disastrous relationship at the time... I said so be it. Anything to keep me occupied from the truth, right?
But now that I'm not running. I feel closer to GOD. It is amazing where one risk could take you. I was just going to stay in my shell once I graduated from college. But now I know that there is so much more than life than just the basic small talk conversations.
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