I'm the type of person that if I have the money then I take care of business first and then I see what is left over to splurge on or save. I do not put much attention into money because then it becomes a constant want. I do not want my entire life to be dedicated to obtaining money.
I have met people who are "money hungry." The people I met are the ones who have very little concern for the community. They are constantly thinking of ways to scam people. Their entire life is broken down in numbers. If you ask them if you can borrow, they are the type too consistently hound you for their money back, even if it is very evident that they don't need it right then. But just because you "owe" them, they have that power over you.
Back to modeling...
I thought about it further. I constantly hear people tell me that I should go for it. "Are you a model?" "Do you model?" It is almost as if that question alone as become apart of my identity. I thought, "well if so many people ask me and have eager concern for me to purse modeling then that must be a sign that I should do it." I mean, even strangers come up to me and tell me that I'm beautiful and that I should model. When I first heard these words I was surprised. I was elated. My confidence started to build. But the scientist in me, wouldn't just let me take a compliment with ease. No... I have to analyze... everything.
My concern was that people would just see a pretty face and not care about what I had to say nor how I felt. I didn't want to be just another pretty face on the screen. My other concern was that I didn't want someone else to tell me what to do. When you are in a modeling contract they pretty much own you. You have to watch what you say, you have to dress the way they tell you, do your make up just as they want. Any creative ideas can be brought to the table, but none of them will be heard. You are their puppet and they control you, because they pay you.
That is partly why back in high school when I had a chance to sign a contract I refused. I will admit that maybe my life would be slightly better as far as financially, if I would have stuck with it but I couldn't see myself conforming. I could feel myself becoming someone that I was not ready to be way too soon.
I remember attending modeling classes. I remember learning about makeup and having a woman put makeup on me. I did not like the way she did my makeup because I did not feel that it enhanced my best features. The other reason I did not like her doing my makeup is because she put the powder on my lips and when I went to have lunch with my aunt I forgot that I had powder on my face. I raised my sandwich to place it on my lips, bit down and tasted powder.
The other concern I had was fakeness. In the modeling world, there is a lot of back stabbing and nonsense that I just don't have time for. She doesn't like me because she wants the outfit that I have on. She doesn't like me because I have... blah blah blah back and forth. I have always been a person that has the ability to pick up on vibes in the room and or another way to describe it is that I can read hearts.
So, when I attended those classes I could tell who was fake right from the start. I could tell who had the confidence to silence a room and I could tell who was just beginning to find their confidence. I was one of the beginners. I remember thinking "man I wish I could be like that! Confidence, carefree and beautiful!" But there was something wrong...
Who i wanted to be like, brought a terrible conflict within myself... I do not make it a habit to carry a selfish heart, but they did. I could read selfish and arrogant all over them and it turned me off even more to the idea of wanting to model.
Now, that I have had time to experience a bit more in life and gain confidence I'm ready to pursue modeling, but on my terms and slowly. This is why I have chosen to purse modeling as something fun and not something that I have to live off. That way it takes the pressure and expectation away. I know what I bring to the table. I also know that I could change the face of the modeling world if I wanted to. But my focus is different now. Before I wanted to be a model because I wanted money and fame. Now, I want to be a model because I know I can draw an audience that way and from there I can introduce them and or re-introduce them to God's love.
I was away from God for the longest time, prior to this new phase that I'm in, because I was still trying to figure out why he took my mother away. I did all kinds of analyzing. I questioned everything. I sought advice from anyone and everyone and yet, I could not come up with an answer that satisfied me. But, I had to keep in mind a few things, that most people don't know how to react to death. They still see it as something to worry about and be sad about. I do not. Death like change is inevitable. There is nothing that can stop it from happening. When it is your turn to go to Heaven you will be called to be one of God's angels. I do not know why people reject this idea of being an angel. They should be celebrating.
I fully believe that my mother is an angel. I know that she watches me every single day. I know that she protects me. I still get sad sometimes, but I make it my constant effort to not dwell, but to move forward in life. To celebrate the connections I make, the experiences I learn and the love that I get to give.
I feel that now is the best time for me to pursue all the projects that I could not before. Who says that I can't be a model, a scientist, a social worker, a wife and a mother one day? I may not be all those things all at once of course. I'm going to start out small, take my time to build my modeling career carefully. This taking my time will also go to other areas in my life as well.
I tried it the other way where I just threw myself into whatever experiences that I could and when I did that things turned out terrible. I put too much hope and want for fame and money into that modeling protect and it never got off the ground. It didn't get off the ground because the people who were in charge were not organized and my spirit was not in the right place.
But in my thoughts I know that I want to be on the cover of a magazine. I want to be in a music video. I want to be in a commercial. I want to sing opera. I want to be in another musical. I know that these things are possible. I just have to wait for the right time in my life to do them. As for modeling... I think now is the right time for me to get started. I'm not sure how it will all turn out but I feel that it will only end in greatness. If nothing else it will be an experience to remember, and now that I have God in my corner I know that it will be nothing less than awesome!
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