I constantly tell other people that they should take care of themselves. That they should take a break and relax etc. Yet, I found that I have driven my body into the ground. That I have been so focused on getting my life in order that I have forgotten that I also need to stay healthy.
When it comes to hard work I'm no stranger. I can get in there and take care of business and then leave. I like being busy. I like being productive. I like going to work and then coming home knowing that I made a difference in some way. By, making someone else smile or lessening someone else's stress. I'm so busy taking care of everyone else. That I forgot to do something very simple: get me something to eat.
I'm generally not hungry before I go to work. Yet, once an hour has passed I find that my stomach is making all these funny noises. I find these noises to be embarrassing. But, it is only when I think that someone else's can hear those noises, do I feel the need to eat... strange? I know.
I walked into work feeling rather good, relative to other days. I actually wanted to be there. There are days when I don't. There are days (especially when there is bad weather) when I don't see the purpose of me going because I know (that due to the weather) it is not going to be busy enough for me to be "busy." That is the other thing. When I go to work I want to be "busy." So, much so that I walk in look at the clock, and moments later look at the clock again and realize it is time to go.
I will admit that the current job is not my career focus. But, I have chosen to take my time when it comes to that. After I graduated I felt pressured to do great things immediately. I felt like people were waiting for me to wow them with a new technology or a new idea or perhaps even putting a stop to global warming.
I felt like everyone was sitting around waiting for me to fly across the sky... "Its a bird! Its a plane! No. Its SUPER J!" I had the mentality that I would graduate and then come out landing this great paying, fun, prestigious job. But, when that wasn't the case I kind of fell into this subtle depression, that I learned to mask very well in front of other people by partying until I couldn't party anymore.
I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to rise to the potential that I always declared that other people should have. There I was, not living up to the my full potential. Not because I couldn't but because the opportunities that I wanted to have just were not in place. Then I started to tell myself that I wasn't working hard enough, that I wasn't trying hard enough to be GREAT! to be ELITE! to be PERFECT.
I know that it is in my path to do great things, to save lives, to open hearts and guide souls to GODs love. But, what I most need to remember is that in order for me to do any of that I have to take care of myself. I have to keep myself healthy mentally, emotionally, physically and most importantly spiritually. I also have to be associated with people who want to encourage me and see me at my best.
When I fainted last night. I could feel my power being drained from me. Me? This picture of near perfection, how could I fall? How could I "lose?" In my mind those were some of the thoughts. I felt like I was losing a battle by not having the power to control my body.
A couple of the servers helped me up. I read hearts. So, in a strange way I could feel their panic. I could hear my voice inside my head telling them that I'm okay. I kept telling them to not worry. To just let me rest, but they kept yelling back into my face "stay with me... talk to me... don't go to sleep." I wanted too so bad. Just sleep my way through all of the tiredness. My body was so heavy.
My heart instantly swelled when I realized that these strangers were helping me. I didn't know any of them that well. I didn't even know all of their names. Where they were from? How old they were? If they had families or friends? I didn't know much about any of them... and nor did they know much about me either, but they were helping me...
Inside my head I was crying "let me do it! don't help me!" but my body reacted differently. I couldn't do it. I needed help. And fighting myself from the inside out was only making things worse.
I'm very particular about people helping me because the majority of people always expect me to pay them back. If I do this for you, then you have to do this for me. Then they want to call themselves my friends. It is not very often I meet a person(s) that will just help me out of the kindness of their heart and not look to expect a reward for doing so. I know that I'm that way... if someone asks for my help I generally help them if I can. And if I can't I direct them to someone who can. I never just let a person sit there without some kind of option. This is why when I meet people who are kind, I keep them closest to my heart. It is their kindness that rekindles the passion in my heart for wanting to save lives, when I feel beaten down or start to doubt that I'm not strong enough to do so.
Someone called the paramedics. And as it is there routine to do, they asked me all the basic questions. I was given orange juice. They said that probably my sugar was too low. I did not eat all day, so it could have very well been that. I generally don't have time to eat because I'm too busy trying to scramble to get to work. If I could change my sleeping habits around that would be a great start. But, my body is just not naturally a morning person unless I'm deeply motivated to do something.
As of right now, things are going in the direction that I hoped they would as far as getting my life started. I was slow to do anything because I was too afraid that I would make a mistake. I didn't want my debut to be a failure. I didn't want people to think, "wow that's as far as she got" so I opted not to do anything. So I wouldn't have to explain myself later for my lack of being further along in life than I really felt that I needed to.
My grandmother is right. I keep trying to rush my life, when I should be just strolling along. I keep trying to do everything and be anything when I really need to focus on goals one at a time. I was afraid that I would fall into a pattern. A basic routine the way all my friends that graduated did. They graduated and now work two jobs just to get by. They never have time to hang out, they barely call. I mostly don't see them at all. And I think that is a pretty miserable way to live. To constantly struggle and know that all your efforts really won't amount to anything because as soon as you get that pay check you will have to give it away to the same fuckers each month, the same day, the same time. And basically just fall into a constantly cycle of mediocrity. Playing the "just get by" game.
No. I would rather take my time, and find the best path that works for me. So, what I'm not the CEO of a company and making millions of dollars. I'm happy with the job that I do have, where I get to interact with people and put smiles on the faces of children by giving them a "kids menu." This is not a permanent job. I will move on to others, but each job is a different learning experience. And that's my goal each time I get a job is to learn everything that I can.
What did I learn from that fainting incident?
That I'm not immortal. I may have an immortal heart where I can love all day long and never get tired of being passionate about love. But my body gets tired often.
I also learned that I need to stop beating myself up and give myself a break every now and then. It is a okay for me to have fun. I do not have to be serious all the time. People generally don't warm up to me because they see me as this serious, model looking chick. When they see me they instantly think "She is stuck up" because I wear a serious face at work. Then the moment they see me smile. They feel a sense of relief that now they can get close to me.
I think last night experience did that to some degree. People were able to see a more humbled side of me. I didn't plan to get sick. But to see the positive in a stressful situation they were (my coworkers, boss) able to see that I am human. That I do get sad. That I do cry. That I do feel bad. That I am not a machine.
And most importantly that I am not perfect. And I don't want to be perfect, because I would never get to learn because I would believe with my entire being that I already knew everything there was to know about life, love and the Universe.
I'm very thankful for the people who stepped in to help. I told the paramedics that I was appreciative that they took the time to help me. Sure, it was their job, but there were a million other things that they could have been doing or several other places that they could have been at.
I suppose all in all last night taught me to appreciate my life even more than I do now. To never walk away from anyone with a negative feeling. To always express how you honestly feel. And that, sometimes the people who you least know the best are the ones that will help you and encourage you the most.
Truth and Unconditional Love they go hand in hand.
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