"Celebration Weekend" (Part 1)

I was ready to celebrate. 


I put on the happiest music I could find. 


I was singing. 


I was dancing. 


I was laughing. 


And then I made my way to the one place where I remember feeling the safest and having the most fun. The happy house. I was feeling sexy and free. I was excited to see the faces of my friends. It was time for the celebration. But two things happened to start the night off wrong. 


1. I locked my keys in my car.


I have locked my keys in my car before, no big deal. I always manage to figure out a way to get them out. One of my guy friends offered to help me get them out and I told them, "No, that would require me to be nice to you." In a teasing manner. And that's where the issue came in. It wasn't the fact that I was being "disrespectful" to him that made him change the way he acted toward me. We always joked around before like that, so I didn't think that it would be much of an issue. But, for some reason I sensed that he was feeling particularly sensitive. Which he is a cancer, so that is likely to happen at any given time. 


I thought things were okay. I decided to use the scissors instead. The objective was to cut the tape of the window first, then come back and ask for his help. But he assumed that I was using the scissors to pull down the window and his assumption is what started the downward spiral in my mind.


He could have followed me outside to see exactly what I was doing. But he chose not to. In the process of me cutting the tape of. I went ahead and finished breaking into my car. I was already upset that I spent a whole fifteen minutes looking for my keys to begin with and then I was even more upset that I spent another ten minutes trying to break into my car. The last thing I was thinking about was the scissors. I just needed to find my keys, without them I would not have been able to drive home, and even if I did manage to get home I wouldn't be able to get in. So yes, finding my keys had more significance to me than a pair of scissors. 


But, not to him...


I left the scissors in the car once I found my keys. I went back inside and that's when the drama started. 


Let me just say... 


that in general I'm a very chill person. I don't like bullshit. I don't like drama. I'm playful and fun. But, when it comes to addressing issues I do things differently. I would much rather have someone pull me to the side and address a situation than to throw a tantrum in front of other people. 


The thing that I couldn't figure out was why he was acting that way over a pair of scissors. He was very possessive about his scissors. But, in reflection it was never about just the scissors. There is always more to a story than a person lets on. The motivations behind why people do what they do can be hard to pin point. But he claimed that he felt DISRESPECTED. I used his scissors without his permission. But, it came down to, that he felt REJECTED previous. And when people feel rejected they start showing their true colors. 


Because if the situation was really about RESPECT then I would have had to ask to sit on the couch, use the bathroom, etc. The other thing I noticed is that HIS SCISSORS represented a bit of power. He felt that I had used his scissors without permission, but I bet if I would have flirted with him or kissed him or whatever he would not have minded at all. That's the type of bullshit I'm talking about. Its okay as long as you are getting your way, but the second you don't immediately get what you want you change? Childish.


Then from there I ended up lashing out on another one of my guy friends because I was upset with the behavior of the first. I generally enjoy being around both of them. But that's because I have never really hung out with them outside of a "party" environment. But, even before that time I have always sensed some kind of competition between them and even know that the first guy friend was always jealous of the second one. 


If the tables were turned and I showed more attention to the first guy friend (mr. my scissors) then things would be just peachy for him. But I was not put on this earth to carry any grown ass man on my back. Nor boost his ego. This all goes back to the "saving mentality." 


They are my friends and I want to see them succeed in this life. We laugh. We have good times. And not too long ago I was never that close to them. I would see them on occasion, but that was about it. What kept me coming back to the house was because I felt comfortable there. I had the chance to relax. Let my hair down. Just chill. It was my paradise away from the world. And they were so respectful and kind to me. 


I have enough bullshit to deal with in the world with men drooling after me, and constantly hounding and acting like assholes toward me. I constantly have to "fight" against men who want to control me, keep me under lock and key and use, and manipulate me and finally I found one place, in all of Raleigh where I could just be myself. The one place where I didn't have to fight any man, because they (my guy friends)respected my space. 


But, that all changed when I started to show more attention to one guy over the other. 


The party was not what I expected it to be. I take full responsibility for my own disappointment because I boosted up that house party like it was some kind of new years eve celebration. I talked about it. I even made a shirt for the occasion that I didn't even wear. I wanted to show my love, for the theme of the house and for the two guys who were doing their best to move forward in life after being in marriages that were less than satisfying most of the time. I was always so happy to talk about them in the best light possible because I like to see the good in people. But what I failed to realize was that I wasn't being realistic about the situation. 


I was elevating them to a greatness that they didn't deserve nor were they ready for. To other people, they are just two adult males, living together, bonded by childhood friendship and now by divorces. 


Then I started to notice that...




The happy house is a cover up. The truth behind the happy house, is that it really isn't happy at all. Its a place where emotionally fucked up men go to sit around and wallow in their self pity. They talk about women in a degrading fashion and think that is all right. Then they turn around and wonder why women reject them.


They don't take any responsibility for their own actions. One of them has the ability to self reflect on what he did or did not do that could have made his marriage work, and the other just has no want to self reflect at all. They tell me that I should bring women over, but why would I bring my girlfriends over to a place where they will be degraded and bullshitted? They don't have any respect for women in general, all because they were fucked over by two women who did not continue to love them as they promised they would when they made the vow to be married.


And now they are out to have sex with any and all women, use them up or be used by them... in other words they have the "take what you can get" mentality. And that is something that I can not associate myself with. I was blinded by it because of how comfortable I was getting. But I felt like I was drowning along with them instead of pulling them up. I felt like I was starting to feel comfortable with mediocrity.


I can not save them. I can not love their pain away. I can not guide their hearts toward God's love if I am drowning in their sorrow. I tried to show them that life did not have to be that way, that there are still good women out there who genuinely just want to chill, love and enjoy life but then they interpreted that as me being controlling. 


That's the other thing... they said that the reason they put a distance between themselves and myself is that they felt I was trying to control. I found that to be rather strange because all I ever did was celebrate their lives. Encourage them. Listen to them when they were speaking. Admit to them when I was wrong and apologize for any behaviors that they may have found disrespectful. 


So...


I don't think it has anything to do with "controlling." It has everything to do with me giving one more attention than the other. And the other being jealous. It was starting to show. He was worried that I would eventually come between him and the friend that he is co-dependent on. I didn't understand why the three of us just couldn't continue to be friends as we always were before. I went over plenty of times and had the best times in the world, but... 


I'm starting to get involved in their personal lives. And the truth is starting to show. I'm starting to see how they act after the party is over and the music is no longer playing. I'm starting to see them in their true forms. And it breaks my heart because although a few of my behaviors have been less than pleasant at times, I have always tried to be cheerful and understanding and respectful of them in general. So for them to act like that toward me shows me that they don't care that much about me. I know that they say horrible things behind my back and make jokes about me and still even knowing that I didn't let my care for their well-being change the way I acted toward them. 


I had to scrape up all the courage I could find to go and talk them. My first idea was just to ignore them all together but just because I need a break from the house does not mean that I don't still care about their lives and their well-being. Also, I made a choice a long time ago not to run from the pain. Whenever there is tension or pain in my heart I have chosen to address it. Figure out why I feel that way and what I can do to fix it and then move on from there...


I was pretty nervous. I was even a little bit scared. I couldn't get my thoughts in order fast enough to ask the questions I wanted to ask nor to make the statements I really wanted to make. I was focusing on trying to get at the real issue. I was taking my time to say what I had to say, because I wanted to process what it was that I was feeling. I wanted to make sure that my tone was not bitter nor angry. I wanted to make sure that I was seeking to UNDERSTAND instead of to belittle or tear down. 





I will admit that I fell in love. It was unexpected. But I thought that I could continue to keep it neutral. Where we both knew that we liked one another, but continued to be friends. I didn't want to be boyfriend and girlfriend with them because I didn't want to ruin the connection by analyzing them. What I realized is that I could talk to them face to face about everything else in the world except how we felt toward one another. 


I also realized that I wanted more than they were ready to give. I'm in a position in my life where I am building my "foundation" or "empire" so that one day I will be prepared to receive the blessings of having a husband and children one day. 


The other thing is that I was tired of being a secret. Hee hee ha ha "we have to creep and hide how we feel because we don't want other people to know..." why not? Oh, that's because everyone knows that you are using me and everyone is looking at us thinking WHAT THE FUCK, why the fuck is she with that guy? 


But, I didn't come around for the obvious reason that they may have thought. I continued to want their attention because of the connection. It is great to meet someone who you can talk to about anything. There was nothing that offended us, nor anything that we couldn't talk about without ease. There wasn't any awkward tension between us. And when we were not talking, we were cuddling and it was nice just to be held in the arms of a man that I really connected with. I was happy just for the conversation. I don't meet a lot of people that can understand "the scientist" in me. 


So, yes I walked away with my head held high, but my heart was crying. It is not every day that you meet a man that you truly get along with on that intimate level, without being physical. There was a time when we sat in the car and just talked. There was even a time when we sat on the kitchen floor and talked and laughed for awhile. It is one of the best memories that I hold close to my heart, even today. 


I didn't feel that way about him previously because I was in a relationship with a man who was jealous and constantly needed me to validate his ego. But what I realized is that he doesn't want love right now. He wants popularity. He wants to be noticed. He wants freedom to come and go as he pleases. He enjoys his independence. 


That is one of the reasons why we got along so well. But, in being in love I started to expect him to want something that he wasn't ready to accept: Greatness. I'm ready to accept Greatness. I'm ready to be a woman that has the power to positive influence people to make choices that will bring more joy to their lives.  


I'm ready to continue to move forward to be a better woman. I want to be the BEST WOMAN that I can be, so that when its my turn to have a husband that man will know that he has the BEST and whole parts of me. I'm ready to love. 


More than anything... 


I will miss the connection. The staying up late talking. The laughter. The insights. The growth. He was the second person to ever look me full in the face and tell me the truth and to that I will also be grateful for.


But, I noticed that he changes around different people. In some settings he was very affectionate. When there was another couple or just a few people around that he wasn't really that close to. I was his lady. But as soon as he got around his bestfriend it was back to acting like a single asshole again. Misery loves company. If he can't be happy (the bestfriend) then he doesn't want anyone else to be happy either. 


And you know what? It is out there. They (the bestfriend) told me that he wanted to meet a woman that he connected with. And yet, his life is not prepared for that. He is giving out mixed signals. He want a woman that you connect with, but then you participate in behaviors that do not show that you want that connection. By acting desperate for sex that is not going to get a woman to connect with you on the level that you are wanting. And they laugh and make jokes and blame everyone else but themselves. 


They are holding themselves back from meeting a good woman. The only one that is responsible for your pain, is YOU. But you like playing the victim because you think its cute and "fun." And it is sad to see a man with a good heart belittle himself so much and fall prey to mediocre behaviors all because he won't take a stand and face his pain full on. You can't hide behind beer and drugs and other self destructive behaviors and then expect life or GOD or the Universe or whatever to give you what you want. You don't LOVE you. You don't have any self respect if you let a women use you and mistreat you and degrade you as a person. 


I had to pull myself away from the house, because I care too much about them both and I was in love with one of them. I was still trying to save them. One with genuine friendship and the other with genuine Love. And it wasn't working. Because saving them is not my job. I have to allow them to work through their own pain. I have to let them battle their own demons. 


I am beyond sad that I have to put the connection that I have with one of my guy friends on hold. But I can no longer associate myself with mediocrity. I can no longer be apart of the bullshit. 


The bestfriend wants to DEMAND respect and yet, he throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way and storms out instead of just talking to me about the issue. He wants people to view him as a man and yet he wears sneakers that have wheels on them. Just like a child. I just got done dealing with the insecurity of the male ego and I refuse to be apart of it again. You can't puff your chest out and demand respect when your behaviors don't reflect who you are wanting to be. 


Something is holding the Happy House back from being exactly that, a happy house and that's the bullshit and the negative energy. I have NEVER in all the times that I have went over there felt this strongly about any one given situation or another. And there were times when jokes were made that I didn't like or whatever, but I let if roll off my back. And I continued to enjoy the time that I got to spend with them. But throwing a tantrum over a pair of scissors is ridiculous and I just don't have time for it.


I do know that I'm done associating myself with people who have no want to seek the truth, nor be a part of a friendship that celebrates love, loyalty, trust and most of all honesty. 


It hurts that the two men I cared about the most would be that way, but also not just that I'm changing. And temporary "fun" is no longer satisfying. It is time to mature. And this will be the step that leads me there...


I may not meet a man that I connected with as much as I do him. But I do not doubt that I will meet a man who not only wants to love me, but won't be afraid to tell me, nor afraid to communicate. Its not about control. Its not about expecting this or that. Its about the connection. And when the connection is right, everything else just falls into place. I'm sad to put this connection on hold, as I have said before the negativity that he is associated with is bringing my spirit down and loving and caring about other people is what my heart does. And I can't do that with negative energy circling around like that. 


My heart won't stop caring and my love for him does not change, just because I am changing. 


I wish them both the best either way.