Disclaimer:
This is an observation of my thoughts and feelings at my cousins wedding. This, like most of my other writings is very honest. 
This was not the first wedding in the family. My second oldest cousin had a wedding prior to this event, but I was unable to attend because it was far away. I was pretty upset that I missed that special occasion, especially since that was the cousin that I was closest too during childhood.
I was late to my cousins wedding, which there was no one to blame but myself for. I left too late and found myself doing 80 pushing 100 trying to get there on time.When I realized that I was going to more than 5 minutes late I still continued to push 100 and dodge in and out of traffic. I could have gotten pulled over or in an accident, not the smartest idea I ever came up with. But, I didn't want to miss the celebration.
When I got there, she and her husband were toward the end of their first dance. Instantly my eyes started to water. I don't know if I was crying because of the song. It was a country song and surprisingly I knew it. It could have been a combination of how beautiful she was in her dress and the song or it could have been that I had the opportunity to be apart of a life changing event.
I have pretty consistent views about marriage. The way my generation makes it sound, is as if marriage is some kind of game of tag. "Ha ha tag you are it! I'm married to you. Oops, time to tag someone else, I don't want to be married to you anymore..." So, when I hear of young people getting married too early I generally give a deep sigh, I pray and wish them the best in life.
I don't know if it is my realistic nature toward relationships or what, but I don't think that getting married young is a good idea, because what you want at 20, 21 etc will more likely not be what you want at 30 etc. But, as much as people come to me for advice and insight. That is one piece of insight that I choose to keep to myself. I don't ever want to be the "dark cloud" on someone else's parade. If it makes them happy, then they should go for it. The only thing I can do is pray for them along the way.
I had mixed feelings about attending this wedding because of how I feel about young people getting married. I don't believe that marriage is a game. When things get hard you can't just stomp off and runaway. It is a team effort. The husband and the wife have to work together to make the environment stable for one another. I can't say it enough... effective communication, effective communication!
Aside from my cousin, I think a lot of the young people that get married have no idea how much of a commitment being married actually is. Not only are you taking care of yourself and your needs but you also have to take care of the needs of your spouse and if you have any children together, their needs as well. This is responsibility. The other thing is that most young men are not ready for that type of responsibility. Most of the young men in my generation are still 20-27 getting their asses wiped by their mommies.
Most of them can't even think for themselves let alone be the head of the household for their family. They like being bachelors because they don't want the responsibility of being the leader. But that's what a marriage needs. The husband and wife have to both be leaders. Maybe not in the same way, but in ways that complement one another. So, when he can not rise to be the leader, she will be strong enough in her own way to take over until he is able to take over again.
Marriage is saying, "I got your back no matter what!" I'm in your corner. Loyalty, devotion, commitment. No matter what you go through I will always be there!" I have young friends who were so excited to get married. They fell in love, she thinking that if she had his baby that the marriage would somehow mean more to him. Then, they got married. She had the baby and then not much long after they got divorced.
Sometimes I think, that young folks in my generation get married just so that they can get divorced because they see how popular the trend is now. I, honestly, don't believe in divorce. I think it is sad. And my thought behind it, is "why would you marry someone that you know isn't right for you to begin with?" Were you not aware of the signs? Did you not hear the stars, the birds and even the rocks screaming at you"
NO! WRONG WAY! What are you doing?"
Danger!
Danger!
Danger!
I guess, sometimes people get tired of trying. But, how can you just give up on the person that you just stared in the eyes and promised to love for the rest of your life? It doesn't make sense to me. That's why I have opted to take my time. I have choosen to not only be selective about my partner, but also be in a relationship with them for an extremely long time before talking about making that kind of decision. You are not only marrying the person in that moment, but you are also marrying their lifestyle, habits and behaviors for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. That's the thing. Many young people are marrying based off of being "in love." They think the honeymoon phase will last forever.
I also think that my generation is so caught up in the glitz and glamour of having a wedding, made possible by shows like Bridezilla etc that they think its all about how much money you can spend and how many people actually attend. They have to have the biggest cakes, the coolest cars, the most expensive of everything! And then after its all over and they want to make arrangements to go on their honeymoon, they realize that they can't afford it. Hmm... I wonder why?
Please, don't get me wrong when I was younger (hahah like I'm that much older lol) I wanted to have that fairy tale princess wedding too. I had it all planned out. I knew who my bridesmaids were going to be. I knew what dress I wanted. I even knew at what exact point I wanted everything to happen. Yes, I was a hardcore romantic back then. I allowed the bullshit of society to creep into my mind and make me think that all my troubles would go away if I could just find a PRINCE to whisk me away on a white horse and marry me.
ha ha ha
***
I had fun at my cousins wedding, with the family. There were some family friends there, but they did not recognize me. Well, one woman did who use to be close friends with my mother. And what ended up happening (which I knew would) was that she talked my head off about how she missed my mother etc. I did not think my cousins wedding was the appropriate place for that type of conversation. I made sure to be polite but to avoid running into her as often as I could during my time there.
I was hesitate to attend the wedding, not only because I have strong opinions about early marriage, but also because just months before I was highly jealous of my cousin when she told me that he(her now husband) had proposed to her. I remember I had to distance myself from her because I didn't know to act about feeling so jealous. It was baffling. I was always so happy to hear of other peoples accomplishments, successes and joys and yet, the person, my cousin, someone that I loved very much I couldn't even talk to because I was JEALOUS? It was ridiculous and sad. I put distance between myself and her, so that I could have time to figure out why I was feeling that way.
In time the truth came to me...
Prior to her telling me that she engaged I had just started dating a new guy. This was while I was in college. Here she was telling me about this guy that loved her and wanted to marry her. A nice young man who had wanted to court her for a long time. And there I was dating another "new guy". She had consistency. She had a young man that not only loved God, went to church but also was not afraid to tell her that he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. And then, there I was... dating another new face.
He didn't care about my life. He didn't care about wanting to get closer to God. He didn't have any intentions of staying in my life for very long. And that's when I concluded... I was jealous because she had a man in her life that loved her and I did not. A man that wanted to be by her side. A man that wanted to help her in life. A man that truly cared about her life. And the jealousy pot was boiling over. As much as I gave in all my relationships and as much as I prayed. As much good I did, I still could not meet a man that wanted to love and care about my life.
I never gave details about why I had to distance myself. I had to clear the jealousy away, because I loved my cousin and it was hurting me more to put distance between us. I had to step outside of myself... "how is God going to bless this life, if I am jealous of someone else's blessings?" He won't. If I continue to be jealous of what someone else has I will never receive my blessings. I do not want to be a fake person and smile in her face and tell her that I am happy for her, when I really am not. I have to clear this self pity and jealousy."
It took awhile. But I prayed everyday to rise above it.
So, when I saw my cousin in her wedding dress tears instantly came to my eyes. Not just because the things previously stated before, but because there was no jealousy in my heart. It did not return to ruin the celebration. That was the test to let me know that I had risen above it. And that it was officially gone from my heart. I had the best time in the world hanging out with my family. I even got to see my sister. I don't get to see her that often. I'm hoping to change that though. I was able to celebrate with a loving heart.
I will admit that I did get a bit teary eyed when I thought about my mother not being able to be apart of that celebration, but I knew that she was watching from Heaven. So I didn't mind. I could feel her spirit in the room. There was so much laughter. There was a lot of smiling. And in general just a happy day to remember. It was exciting. And I'm glad that I was able to conquer jealousy so that I could be apart of it.
***
I grew as a woman that day. I felt as if I was one step closer to being a more loving lady. I reflected on why I always had trouble in my relationships and the conclusion I came up with, was because my walk with God was not consistent, and also I was going after men of the world and not men of God.
The thing about it is, is that you can't live one foot in and one foot out. You either have to be all for God or not. You can't consistently live a life of sin and then turn around and ask God to bless your life. The other thing is that she never changed who she was, so that he would marry her.
I often found myself changing a lot in the past just to get the guy that I liked to "be my boyfriend" and or "stay in my life." And I could never figure out why they always had to go. And that's because they were not meant to stay. I had to face the truth. The guys that I dated did not care about me. And that's all there was to it.
I had a couple of guys claim that they love me, yet when things got tough they were the first ones to blame me and then walk away. I don't think that most men know what love is, to begin with. They think that it is something that you have to "do" or "conquer" like its some video game that they just have to win, versus a feeling that they have to feel. Its, like a truth that they have yet to discover. In order to know love you have to get closer to God. You have to look at Jesus as an example. Most men are searching for that unconditional love from a woman. They want her to be devoted and caring and understanding etc Yet, they expect that from her but they do not know how to return it, nor seem to have very little want to. They want a pet, not a wife. A woman that will be loyal, and obedient but will never offer insights or advice. I'm very weary of any man that tells me that he loves me, especially after only 3 months of dating. And yes, there was a time when I thought "wow this could be the one!" But, I was just excited to hear the words. I wanted to put meaning to those words, but I thought "how can you love me and you don't know even know me? Then I realized that those words had no meaning to him whatsoever.
When you tell someone that you love them, it means that you love them no matter what changes they go through. Unconditional love, means that no matter where they have been or what they have done, when you meet with them again you welcome them with open arms.
That's the type of love that just about everyone is after, but rarely are people willing to step out of their selfishness to give it.
No comments:
Post a Comment