When their car crashed into mine I couldn't move. I was too scared. The policeman had to move the car to the side for me. My mind shut down. I normally am very confident when I'm interacting with people and adjusting to different environments, but that day I learned that I don't handle high intensity situations very well.
One of my first thoughts was of the other lady. I wanted to make sure that she was okay too. My second thought, that instantly brought more tears to my eyes was the fact that if that crash would have been fatal then I would never get to see my friend (my inspiration) again. I would never get a chance to make them smile or ask them about their new projects. There would be no more adventures...
The other thought was that my grandmother would be very heart broken. She already lost one daughter (my mother) so to lose the daughter of her daughter would make her even more sad. I know that she would be all right if I were gone, but still the thought of what could have been brought more tears to my eyes.
I don't know if you are spiritual or not but I know that I am. And I know that the devil was working really hard that day. He wanted to keep me from going to the Music awards. He wanted to stop me from shining the light that God put in my heart. But even though I was tired from crying most of the day, I still ended up going to the CMA's, having a wonderful time and I felt sexy and looked fabulous.
I felt my life change when I walked away from that accident unscathed. I had people around who I knew, stand with me through the process. And even had a good friend come pick me up. But I was still crying even when I got into their car and knew that I was safe from harm. I'm always running around protecting and caring for everyone else, that I forget that there will be times in life when I need help and protection too.
The strange thing is that when situations like that happen, and you experience a loss of a freedom you see who your real friends are. I didn't have to check my phone or even my fb page to know which people on my list would no longer be the "great friends" that they always claimed to be. Because people only are a "friend" as long as they don't have to give too much aka: be there during the hard times.
Everyone wants to be there for the party! The lights! The cameras! The show! When I had a car, everyone wanted to hang out! I would go pick them up and we would all have a blast. And now that I don't have a car I can't seem to find someone just to take me up the street to the store. Because NOW everyone is busy.
That's the thing about friendship... I have decided that I'm not going to make excuses for "sometimes" friends anymore. You only want to be around when I'm smiling and happy but what about the times when I'm confused, scared and or crying those emotions are apart of me too.
Right now, I kind of feel as if my life is at a stand still. I feel bad because my aunt worked so hard to get that car. I don't have any parents, so she has had to be like my mother and father. So much pressure to help me... and then that happens. Sometimes I feel like a burden, because I'm the only one in my family who doesn't have any parents. NO mother. No father. To speak of. And although, my aunts and my uncles are always kind to me. I have always felt very distant from everyone. When I'm in a crowded room, I'm not alone but I feel lonely even with all those people around. Most people don't know what to tell me. And when I share a bit of my story with them their first reaction is to pity me.
I don't need anyone's pity. I need their friendship (if I have sought that from them) and or their help. This is a very difficult time for me. But in viewing all the positive aspects, at least I won't have to keep wasting money paying parking tickets, because for about 3 weeks I had none stop parking tickets to pay and that's where all my money went.
I know that God will bless me with a new car I just have to be patient. When this modeling and singing takes off I can start making money and finally 1. give back to my grandmother and those who were kind to me and 2. get a new car 3. get an apartment.
I know that all of those things are possible to accomplish I just have to do it slowly and be very patient which is not really my strong suit so I will have to practice really hard.
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