I want to see if I can handle the look of the crusted big toe and the corn on the end of the pinky toe...welcome to honesty.
It is not a place that a lot of people like to go. I never use to like going there either and even now, I sometimes find it hard to even squint my eyes at the exit sign that I know will take me there. But, it seems no matter which direction you go in life. There is the honesty exit at every turn...
Sunday June 2 2013
I thought it would be a good idea to go visit my aunt and her daughter, and her daughters new baby. I was so excited! The baby boy is the first new addition to the family in a long time.
At first the evening was going smoothly. The first twenty minuets was spent admiring the sleeping baby boy. Then we moved to the dining room. The plates were set, the baby was quiet. I said grace and that's when I felt the shift in the atmosphere.
The truth is that my aunt has always seen me as a burden. The first time she realized that she would have to help me in life (because her sister and her brother didn't want to do it, because keep in mind my mother (her sister) is dead....) I knew that I would be a thorn in her side.
That's all I have been to my "family" a burden. A problem. The issue. And even now, since I'm not in the military, not married and haven't popped out a kid they feel like I'm not doing anything with my life.
It would be nice if I had their full support in this modeling and singing thing that I'm trying to get off the ground... but anytime I have an audition or a show they rarely show up and if they do they never stay for the whole thing.
My aunt didn't even invite me to the hospital when the baby was born. She said that she didn't think that I would want to go... but she never asked me! She never mentioned it to me!
This is the worst transition that I have tried to make so far, because I don't have anyone to guide me or help me along in life. My grandmother helps as best as she can, but its sad that my mothers (rest in peace) siblings don't step in and help. If not me, then at least their mother. They aren't going to start really appreciating their mother until she is on her death bed.
I still don't know why God chose to take my mother away. Its not like I could do anything to stop her suffering or even that I understood what was happening to her in full at the time...
I try to live right, share love and keep God first. But my family their minds are average. They think backwards and talk sideways. They want to see truth, but they still love to roll around in the pig feces of mediocrity. Its disgusting. But it is not only them, it is some of the friends that I had too...
You don't have anything better to do than to pop out more babies? You graduate high school and all you learned in that entire four years is how to open your legs? All of my friends from high school except for one has children. They work two or three jobs and never have time to hang out anymore. Whenever I see them its the same story about how Johnny got an A on his report card or how Sally lost another tooth.
*sigh*
We are just on two different paths. I still want adventure and freedom in my life. If I had children now I would feel more chained than I already do. My goal is to travel. To fly free from NC. I just want to visit another state or even another country!
I don't know why God has me sitting here, wasting my life away. I want to date but every man I meet is too weak in his heart, mind or spirit. Then to make it worse they all lie. All men lie. It is just ingrained in their skulls to lie.
When I need a friend there isn't anyone around. I tried to contact my friends and ask them if I could crash at their place for a few weeks but only one gave me a solid answer. The rest were indifferent. I can't stay here anymore because I have "over stayed my welcome" at least that's how the officials of the building think...
People don't know what its like to not have any parents. To grow up having to fight the entire world alone. This isn't cause for a pity party because I detest when people look at me like I'm a sick puppy. Big, sad, watery, droopy eyes.
I just need someone to help me. If I could just get this modeling thing off the ground and or this singing thing I wouldn't have to need anyone's help that much to maintain the "flight." But really starting is the hardest part. When I had the opportunities I didn't have the confidence. Now that I have the confidence the opportunities are hard to find.........................................................
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