Music Inspirations For The Youth

His name is Ryan J.Dexter. 

He's from Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

He was 17 when he wrote his first song. The first person he let hear his written work was his younger cousin Antonio. He attended North Western Middle and Zachary High where he learned to read and write music.

Arise: Women's Leadership Conference

November 15-17 2013: Arise (Women's Leadership Conference)

I took a leap of faith attending this conference. I knew that I had a debt to pay, but instead of paying it I put all my trust in God. In the word he said that he would supply "all our needs..." so, I put my confidence, faith, trust and hope into that promise and followed what the holy spirit lead me to do.

Having positive women role models in your life is very important. How will you know what a Virtuous woman looks like if you have never seen one? I'm happy to say that the ladies in my god family were some of the first examples I encountered when I finally gave got serious about my walk with Christ.

I told God that I wanted to teach his people how to walk in his love, truth and peace. But, how can I be an example if I am not 1. practicing what I preach nor 2. associating myself with women who are "talking the talk and walkin in the walking" (so to speak)? When I first met the ladies in my god family I knew that my life would never be the same.

And that is how I felt after attending the Arise women's leadership Conference too. I finally had a chance to be around women who were striving and working and being dedicated to living a virtious life. I finally met young married women who were examples of a virtuous young married living. I had the opportutnity to here from seasoned Christian woman who have been married for 20 years plus about how they were lead by God to start their businesses, what their married lives were like at the beginning and how God was able to bring them full circle to a place of harmony, unity and peace in their lives today. It was beautiful.

I had my emotional moments as well.

During this time there were two things that really stuck out at me that I felt the holy spirit push me to ask God to help me with and

1. being more friendly

2. Controlling my emotions

Yes, I did a lot of praying this past weekend and reflecting. I did not do a lot of talking because I wanted to observe and take everything in. As, those of you who know me, I'm not much a big "talker" anyway. I'm a writer and a singer. IF you try to get me to go on stage and talk about a topic I freeze up! lol If you get to me to sing or even model then that is where I'm more comfortable.

But, God has called me to step outside of my comfort zone. That's why he placed me here in the first place. It is long overdue for me to rise to the calling of A: Queen and attending this conference this past weekend confirmed that even more.

I'm not like other women, in the sense that I can just sit by and do nothing. My heart, spirit and soul feel compelled to share this love that God placed within with any and everyone who needs it. There are people out there who need encouragment, hope, comfort, love, etc and God has given, not just me but many of the ladies that I know already and even those that just met this weekend this gifts and abilities to help others in that area.

God has called me to be a leader. I rejected the idea for the longest time because I did not think I was strong enough. Also, to go deeper, I did not want the "responsibility." But everything about this spiritual journey screams: LEADER! LEADER! LEADER! Time for me to stand up and "grow a backbone" and stop running from the position that GOD has called me to rise too.

He never said that it would be easy, but I know that it will be worth it because of all the lives that I will be able to encourage, support, comfort, protect, guide them to the perfect love of GOD.

 

Still In Virgina No Choice But To Rise (4 Months Now)

God has placed me in an environment where I can only talk to and depend on him. He took away any form of comforting distraction. I keep trying to be "normal" but that is not what God has called me to be.

Every time a man comes in my life God cuts me right off from them, except with my last real relationship. The one that got me here in the first place. He moved me, and strangely enough he moved me five minutes away from where he lives. How interesting... right?

It almost feels like God has me sitting in the "waiting room." It could be that when he is done cleaning both of us up and strengthening our gifts that he will put us back together for his glory. But, while I'm waiting to see what the next move of God is I know that I have to continue to "be about my Father's business."

I don't know if it is wrong to miss someone or not, but the truth of the matter of my heart is that I do. I try not to dwell on it too much, but it makes me sad. That they are so close, yet so far away it seems. I can not stand in the gap and intercede on behalf of them when they are going through a spiritual battle, because God has moved me out of the way. Whatever they are going through, they have to go through alone. Just as I have to go through this alone. This time will teach us how to rely on God, wholeheartedly all the time no matter if we are together in the future or not. So, even though it hurts me, durn near breaks my heart some times. I know that it is for the best right now...

The other thing is that I'm learning men are not as strong as they like to think they are. As, God is cleaning me up to be a Queen and strengthening my mind, soul, body and spirit I realize that men are starting to come out of the woods ready to distract me and stand in my way. As soon, as the man that I love and I were separated that is when the vultures and lecherous beasts came out.

The other thing I realized is that just as God hears your prayers so can the devil. So, even though it might look like "light" does not necessarily mean it is holy and righteous light, because even satan was of the light.

I as that to say, that I thought I was going to be engaged this month, but it turns out that the guy that I was dating is not who he said he was. He talked about how he wanted honesty and communication, but the strange thing is that he didn't want honesty and communication when he was upset. See, that's the thing.

How honest and open to communication can you be no matter what emotion you are feeling? I thought because he was older that maybe he would be more mature. But, I should have known from what he told me that he was selfish and spoiled. My ears are always listening for red flag signs. He told me stories of when he would get into fights or act crazy and how people were so afraid of him that they would just let him do whatever. So, in other words... he would throw a tantrum and then he would get his way. And that doesn't fly with me...

How is the priest of the household that I live in, going to be a good explain to my sons if he is too busy being selfish and stomping around complaining about what someone did to him. "You hurt me!" No you hurt yourself, by not listening, by being distant and not communicating with me when I clearly asked you in the beginning to be honest with me at all times.

I'm not perfect, let me just say that. But, at least I take the time to reflect. I could tell by his actions that he has an abusive personality and maybe that's really why his first marriage failed. He said it was because his wife at the time was on drugs, but how do I know that he didn't influence her by being hateful, selfish, and mean to use drugs in the first place?

I thank God that he closed the door on that little "playhouse" idea. The next time I meet a man, he will have his own place, own car, a stabl job and a degree from a certified accredited college. And most importantly he will love God, be more than passionate about learning and loving GOD.



 

Life In Virginia: The Shaking, The Beating, The Pressing

                         
I'm still here in VA. I'm not really sure why, because most of those who I thought were supportive of me have turned their back against me. I really should go home, but I enjoy the church I attended and I like being apart of souls4real. They are a community gospel group, passionate and on fire for God.

Yet, in my own time I find that I am lonely and I still feel somewhat hurt by all the unexpected events that took place. Why should I stay in a town where the only person that I trusted and said that I could talk to about anything and everything, no longer wants to speak to me? The only real friend I had, can't even text me back. We went from talking every single day, to nothing at all. And there is no explanation. Just poof gone. Disappeared.

How can you tell someone that you love and care about them and then turn around and disappear on them, when they need you the most?

It is messed up. And everyone who hears that part of my testimony will agree. But, God will take care of them. I believe and trust that.

I love them very much, still yet. And whenever they want to be in my life again the door is always open. But the next time they come back they have to come back correct and in their right mind.

Right now, I have been praying for guidance in the right direction. I need to make sure that this area is where God really needs for me to be.

The other thing on top of that is that I no longer have the job that I originally started with, because they would not understand about employee safety. They didn't care. I'm not going to work for a company that doesn't care about employee safety.

When I started the job I was excited to have it, because I still had the support of my friend. So they would come pick me up from work and I would get home at a decent hour. But, after they abandon me I had to learn to take the bus and in taking the bus I didn't get home until around 9:30pm or even 10pm sometimes. Then I had to walk a mile in the dark.

Many people say that you need to take responsibility for your own self, but I guarantee that if the shoe was their foot they would want someone to understand and support them too. Nope, I'm not looking for a pity party. I don't like those, can't stand them. Waste too much time, but I am looking for those who know how to pray to pray that justice be done in the name of Jesus Christ and that all things be ordered in the Will of Abba, Father.

The shaking: The transition to Virginia.
The beating: the unexpected event
The pressing: the aftermath of the unexpected event

You don't treat the people bad that stood in the gap and interceded for you, that prayed for you constantly, the essentially took spiritual beatings for you, that introduced you to their resources so you could try to get a job, that stood by you and prayed while everything around you was falling a part.

No, you don't treat people like that...

And no, I wasn't perfect because "hurt begets hurt" and when the hurt came my flesh rose and it was horrible. But, I repented and I apologized to them.

You don't make a promise to be their and support them and then turn around and things aren't going well in your life just act like you never said those things.

 

 

Start All Over: A Brand New Life For Me

I hate NC. I'm so ready to move away from here. 

I'm ready to have a new life. I'm ready to erase this life and start completely over with a new set of cards. 

At a young age, I knew that once my mother passed away that my life was going to be hard. That I was going to get all the messed up cards. 

I'm not really sure what God wants me to do with my life at this point. I feel like I have done everything I could possible do to get my foot in the door to success, but each time I think I'm about to go forward another door slams in my face. Another rejection. Another no!

People don't understand that attached to this door slamming is one of the biggest factors. I don't have a strong support team. I thought I could build one quickly, but as soon as I started getting serious about my walk with Christ most of the people who supported my vision disappeared. But such is the life of a lone wolf... I guess.

I had a nervous break down today, because I drove all the way around town to get to an interview an hour early in the hot ass sun, only to have the owner interview me then tell me that I need training when I have been in hostessing for five years or more. 

He didn't care that my car is fucked up and that I can't fix it. He didn't care that I used my last bit of case to get to that interview. He didn't care that my tires were bad and my car was basically falling a part. All he wanted me to do was do what he said or else I would not have the job. 

Raleigh has nothing for me. I need to move somewhere else. I need to go somewhere, where I can start all over. Be someone completely new. Where I can be and feel appreciated. 

The other part is that not having parents plays a big role too. 
I'm the only grandchild that doesn't have any parent to just help me. I keep asking for help and people look at me like I'm crazy. Like it is strange for me to even think about asking...

I don't know why my life is like this... I'm so tempted to say fuck it all. But I can't because everything that I do is connected to God. My heart beat is connected to God. I know too much about God and what God expects to turn around or to turn my back or to walk away from his truth, peace and unconditional love. 

I never thought that having a walk with Christ would be glamorous but I didn't think it would be like this. All I want to do is get out of this hole. I want to get into a two bedroom house with two bathrooms. I want a new car, mustang and I want a job. That's all. I'm not asking for anything crazy or too hard. People receive things everyday but then when it comes to me. I always get the short end of the stick. 

No one ever pays attention to the poor old wise woman, until they hit their head and get their head busted open. 

No one cares about quality, until they get tired of listening to that crap they call music nowadays. That noise with a beat to it. 

I'm so sick of this life. I want a new one. 

Dedicated Woman of GOD: Chynadahl Malandie

Before you read this you need to know that we all fall short of the glory of God. That no human on this planet is perfect. But that God can clean up anyone for his glory. 

This entry really should go into the other blog, but this young woman has played such an important role(s) in my life that I felt it necessary to speak on it here. On the front. 

I really don't deserve to be shown such kindness, nor love because I am imperfect and I have many flaws myself which I am asking God to clean me up from. But even with me knowing that, I am still loved. 

I was never the best at public speaking, so if you Woman of God are reading this know that I love you very much and that I am very thankful and grateful that God gave you the patience and the love to deal with me. 

Reminders for the Next Great Adventure!!!!! (Pictures!)

The things and the people that I encountered, the situations that I found myself in were all unexpected.  I had a lot of fun. I wish that I would have been more adventurous. But I think in the end it all worked out as it should have.

There are some things that I want to address, as reminders. I am mainly writing this for myself, so that the next time I go out of town I will remember these things. But since this is public I hope that something that I have written is able to help you next time you travel.

Let's get started....

1. Bring extra cash.

(I did not know that you had to pay for one of your bags to be loaded on the bus. It is 15 dollars for each extra bag. Thank God that the lady wasn't hateful and mean or else I would still be stuck at the bus station with my bag lol)

2. Use a rolling travelling suitcase with a handle.

See, I thought that I would have someone to help me carry my stuff wherever I went. I also thought that the bag was not as heavy as it was. It was a field day trying to get that big suitcase all over town. The only reason why it was extra heavy is because it had my laptop in it.

The next time I travel I'm going to make it very easy on myself and on my back and just roll everything around behind me.

3. Heels are for sitting, Flats are walking

If you walk around in heels in the city your poor little toesies are going to hurt, so make sure to bring flats.

4. Don't be afraid to ask for directions

You will save a lot more time if you just walk up to someone and ask them if they know where such and such place is versus you trying to look for it yourself.

5. I didn't know it was going to get that HOT in DC, but when I was there it was hot and so I will never walk anywhere without bringing a bottle of water. OH! MY GOSH! lol

6. Also don't buy anything or do anything that you can also do back home. I spent so much money on drinks when I went out. That I forgot that I was just visiting. I did try some different kind of fruity drinks, but I can always try that being in NC for way cheaper lol

I was so happy to finally get a chance to leave NC. I needed to regroup. I needed a break and God certainly looked out for me.



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DC Bound: No Time For Play Play

I'm finally getting a trip out of NC. It may not be much to anyone else, but sure is a lot to me. I have been in NC for too long now. I don't necessarily look at this trip at a luxury one, because when I get there I will be looking for work and working.

If I do nothing else in my life, then I need to work to make money to help my grandmother. I'm single. No children. I have both arms and legs. I'm healthy (thank you GOD for good health). So there is no excuse why I can't, should not be working.

Its strange that the people who want to work, can't find work and those who don't care if they work or not/ don't want to work can find it the easiest.

If I end up staying there then I plan on really going for my masters degree. I have a feeling that that's what I need to do. It might not be much, but I feel like I need it. So we will see. Times are tough right now. But they are only as tough as we limit ourselves to think they are... right?

With God anything and everything is possible.

Mr. Patient Honesty (Boxing Ring of Intelligence)

I met a man who had a gift to melt the ice around this heart. He had a cool confidence and his patience was incredibly strong, but gentle towards me. I could not believe that he was a real person.

My "intelligence" was on full alert!

Sarcasm and raw truth shot out like daggers...

The more I said, the more he absorbed. Every off handed comment, every sarcastic note, every indifferent glare and for the first time I thought that maybe "God" had sent someone who was strong enough to match me. Strong enough to be my friend. Strong enough to stand by my side on this battlefield that many don't realize but called: Life.

He was respectful. He listened to me speak. He opened my doors. But most importantly I felt safe in his arms. I knew that if any man tried to grab on me (as most men unapologetically do...) he would protect me.

He asked me "why are you so mean?"

I replied: "I don't know..."

In his embrace I felt the ice around my heart melt. When my voice was raised. When I acted indifferent. When I was mean. When I was sarcastic. He was patient. It was as if he knew how to counter my every "attack..."

Why does my "intelligence" naturally go into attack mode?

For protection of my heart.

Too many times in the past I shared my heart with the wrong guy. They appeared to be nice. They wanted to be close. They wanted my attention. They wanted my affection...

I have learned that even now, men still like the "cat and mouse" game. They still like to do the chasing....

The second I started to give back. I started to become aware that they liked me a lot. The second I started to show them how much I appreciated them. The moment I started to give, that's when the tables turned and instead of appreciating my giving heart... they only took what I was giving. I was so happy to meet a man that accepted my kind heart. But once they found out that I was a "giver" that's all they expected me to do. Then they stopped being givers. I thought that in order to guarantee that they would be "faithful" and "committed" to me that I had to keep giving...

But little did I know at the time, that it was all apart of a game. That's how I know that men are selfish creatures. Also, that's how I know that men are not stupid though... he read the pattern that I gave out. The more I give the more, he took, the more he would pretend. Then one day, they decide that they want more... and because I didn't have any self-worth I fought tooth and nail; drove myself half bald-headed just to try to accommodate his desires... only to find that none of what I did mattered. Because he left anyway and the woman he met after me, not only was he head over heels in love with and extremely devoted too, he also married her.

Now they have a family together and live happily ever after.

Situations like that happened more than once in my short time on this earth, as a matter of fact, they take up about 80 percent of my life. Why? Because in my old life I was desperate to find a distraction from my pain. I was so desperate to find someone who could understand all parts of me, the giver (the kind side), the scientist (the intelligent side) etc

So I told myself never again would I allow a man to degrade my self-worth. Never again would I let a man get that close to me...

I fought hard to keep him away. But even as I fought I could feel myself trusting this man, who was so patient and had a cool confidence more and more...

Even when it was time for him to go home (we spent a good bit of the evening together from about 8pm to 2am). There was something that was strong in us. You know that knot in the stomach feeling? The butterflies? Well those feelings were strong. In the midst of the situation I was trying to analyze everything, when I should have been enjoying my time with this random awesome man. Its so rare that I meet a man that I can truly say is awesome. Not awesome because he has money, wears nice clothes or has travelled... but awesome because I respect the little bit that I did know about him.

I don't think much of men these days. Matter of fact most of them could go jump into a pool of sharks and I wouldn't think much of it. Most are lazy, selfish and just take up precious oxygen for those of us that really want to use our brains to live fully functioning positive lives....

But like with most situations I knew that he would lost interest or disappear. It has been a pattern in my life ever since I started dating. Also I knew that once my heart was softened (which has been a very long time since I felt that...) that I would want more of that feeling of "safety..." I wanted to know more about this man that had the ability to soften my heart with just a simple sentence and a hug. I wanted to learn everything about him. My heart was so happy to meet a man who had the patience, the confidence etc to handle my "aggressive" side. So, I thought that we could be friends.
But in my logic I knew that we were "moving" too fast. I picked up on that way before when he and I were at a bar, and as we were leaving he walked out and saw me talking to another guy and he got upset. I thought it was strange, because he just met me, so why was he getting upset?

But I understood that in that moment he liked me more than he felt comfortable wanting to admit. When I got home and reflected on our awesome "hang out session" together. I liked him more than I was comfortable admitting. I wanted him to come back and hang out, but then he got "busy..."

And such is the story of my life...

Meet an awesome guy once in a blue moon, then he disappears or gets "busy." I sent him texts, he would text me back. But then my logic kicked in, "what's the point in having a man in my life who doesn't want to get to know me or help me in some kind of way?"
I sent one last text. He never responded.

And that was the end of that....

My intelligence went back to test, as now I'm programmed to do. I test and test and test until men do either one of two things:

1. disappear

2. challenge me back

3. Ask me why I'm still testing him?

Most just disappear. I told him that I can't associate with anyone that is weak in their heart, mind, or spirit. I need to be with a man who is strong enough to handle me through the good and the bad times... I mean, I even had to cut out friends, friends that I have known since middle school because they were too weak to handle my raw honesty.

He said that it was too soon for all of that... which I understood. But at this point in my life "too soon" is not even an option, because I could die tomorrow. So I want to make sure that the people I associate with care about my life.

The last time I went to the doctor they told me that I had a weak heart and that too much stress or pressure could give me a heart-attack, even in my early 20's. I almost died before when I gave a man a piece of my heart that all he did was step on. And ever since that time I have kept a wall around my heart....

I'm like a rose with thorns. I'm beautiful to look at, but no one can get close to me because I'll prick them. I don't mean to. At the core I'm a sweet person. But any man who wants to get close to me puts me on alert. Most men just want to hurt me, beat me down, degrade me, stomp the strength in my heart.... and mold me into the type of woman that they want me to be.

I never met a man who just wanted to protect me, until I met him... But it was nice to "rest" from having to fight for those few hours. But like I knew, he wasn't strong enough to stay in my life... so now I have to go back to protecting my heart using my God-given intelligence and strength.

 

 

But, at least I was reminded that there are men out there who still appreciate loving hearts like mine... maybe that's all I will get throughout my life. I would like to be in a relationship one day, but men just aren't strong enough to handle me.... and if they can't handle me at my worst, then they don't deserve me at my most loving.

But I'm praying I'll meet a man who will care about me even on my most unruly and "ugly" moments... *sigh* been single for awhile. But its not because I haven't tried. Its just because they(men) have been too sacred to step into the boxing ring of intelligence with me and prove to me that they are strong enough to handle me.

Exit Called: Honesty

Sometimes the truth isn't always pretty. Sometimes its tough. Sometimes its gritty. "Put your best ugly foot forward..."
I want to see if I can handle the look of the crusted big toe and the corn on the end of the pinky toe...welcome to honesty.

It is not a place that a lot of people like to go. I never use to like going there either and even now, I sometimes find it hard to even squint my eyes at the exit sign that I know will take me there. But, it seems no matter which direction you go in life. There is the honesty exit at every turn...

Inside (((Screaming))) Out

I write, because if I don't I'm afraid that my head might explode off my body or even worse that I might pop a few blood vessels and die from massive blood loss. Either way I could die if I don't write.

I don't do a lot of talking in real life because when I do people just look at me like I'm a three eyed, ten toed monster with sharp razor teeth and a loud howl that could pierce the heart of the mightiest of men. Yeah, people think I'm a "monster..." but only because I think too much (so they say, at least I can think for myself) and because I love too strongly (at least I know how to love).