I don't do a lot of talking in real life because when I do people just look at me like I'm a three eyed, ten toed monster with sharp razor teeth and a loud howl that could pierce the heart of the mightiest of men. Yeah, people think I'm a "monster..." but only because I think too much (so they say, at least I can think for myself) and because I love too strongly (at least I know how to love).
I'm at an interesting place in my life....
About a year ago I started my walk with Christ and when I first started it I was passionate about getting it "right." Doing good and being good. But the truth is that even though the rewards are great. The peace is wonderful. The blessings that come from obedience are lovely. It is a constant struggle. It is a constant battle. Everyday I have to ask God to purge me from the sickness in my heart. My heart wants to do things that my spirit knows is wrong.
I didn't know the difference when I first started. I thought the heart and spirit were the same thing...
I should be travelling. On runways all over the world. In magazines. Singing in musicals, in commercials etc. But yet, I'm sitting right here. Waiting for something big to happen in my life. Waiting for something to move me.
You might be thinking, "well success isn't just going to fall into your lap, you have to be a "GO GETTER!"
Well, I am or I was... I have done everything that I can think of to get myself out there, to remind those who claim they want to help me that its time to get a move on and focus on me. But, it seems that I'm always pushed to the side. Everyone else gets the attention and then there I am just standing on the side lines.
The backup singer. The second place winner or sometimes not even placed at all. It really does suck. Because God has equipped me to be the ultimate package. A quadruple threat, Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented and Charming(funny)...
But no one wants quality. They want to take average and turn them into 15 minute superstars instead of giving to the ones who are already natural born superstars. Its ridiculous.
I graduate from college with the idea that I would be able to find a job, get married, have a house and live happily ever after...
BOY! WAS I WRONG!
As soon I graduate I felt like the economy got worse. It like right after I stepped off that stage. The economy said "Nah, bump this I'm tired of this mess! I'm taking a vacation! See ya losers!" And left me in the dirt. To make things even worse is that NOW would be the time when I call on SUPER PARENTS, to guide and help me through this chaos called: life.
But, I have one step parent who did come to help which I'm grateful for. But after they left I was alone again. Just like I always am. The truth is that I am alone. No matter what I do. No matter where I go. No matter who I'm with. I'm always alone.
It feels like the only friends I really have are these blogs, because I at least I can type to them and they just "listen" and don't say hateful things back nor try to inject me with their opinions about how I should view things. I'm always up to suggestions. Please don't get me wrong. But I detest when people speak to me like I don't already know what is going on. Like I'm clueless. Like I haven't had enough experience so let's just keep telling her the same thing over and over and over and over until she finally becomes one of us.
I'm different. I always dance to the beat of my own drum. Even when I'm apart of a "group" I still dance to the beat of my own drum.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
My cousin had a baby and no one invited me to the hospital or told me any details about what was going. I don't really have a great connection with my blood family. Its just not there. I love them very much. And if I had to give then I would certainly help out, if they asked me. But I mostly stay to myself. Because like the outside world they don't understand me either. They think that I'm "paranoid" and "crazy" even though I was the one that told my aunt that her daughter was going to get pregnant like five years ago... yet I'm the "paranoid" and "crazy" one right?
No one listens to me until something unlikely happens... (I'm not going to say bad because the birth of a child is not bad...)
I want to leave North Carolina so bad. I want to travel and meet new faces. I want to fly in a plane (I have never been on a plane ride before). I want to just get up and go! And take pictures everywhere. I feel like my spirit is going to die if I don't leave NC.
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