STREET GEEKZ: Real, Raw, Uncut

STREET GEEKZ

Dreams and Passions: Opera, Musical Theater, Singing

One of my biggest passions is to sing Opera, or Musical Theater in general. I only experienced musical theater once in my life, but even though it was a lot of hard work, I had a blast learning and making new friendships with the young men and women that were part of the production. 

Life In Virginia: The Shaking, The Beating, The Pressing

                         
I'm still here in VA. I'm not really sure why, because most of those who I thought were supportive of me have turned their back against me. I really should go home, but I enjoy the church I attended and I like being apart of souls4real. They are a community gospel group, passionate and on fire for God.

Yet, in my own time I find that I am lonely and I still feel somewhat hurt by all the unexpected events that took place. Why should I stay in a town where the only person that I trusted and said that I could talk to about anything and everything, no longer wants to speak to me? The only real friend I had, can't even text me back. We went from talking every single day, to nothing at all. And there is no explanation. Just poof gone. Disappeared.

How can you tell someone that you love and care about them and then turn around and disappear on them, when they need you the most?

It is messed up. And everyone who hears that part of my testimony will agree. But, God will take care of them. I believe and trust that.

I love them very much, still yet. And whenever they want to be in my life again the door is always open. But the next time they come back they have to come back correct and in their right mind.

Right now, I have been praying for guidance in the right direction. I need to make sure that this area is where God really needs for me to be.

The other thing on top of that is that I no longer have the job that I originally started with, because they would not understand about employee safety. They didn't care. I'm not going to work for a company that doesn't care about employee safety.

When I started the job I was excited to have it, because I still had the support of my friend. So they would come pick me up from work and I would get home at a decent hour. But, after they abandon me I had to learn to take the bus and in taking the bus I didn't get home until around 9:30pm or even 10pm sometimes. Then I had to walk a mile in the dark.

Many people say that you need to take responsibility for your own self, but I guarantee that if the shoe was their foot they would want someone to understand and support them too. Nope, I'm not looking for a pity party. I don't like those, can't stand them. Waste too much time, but I am looking for those who know how to pray to pray that justice be done in the name of Jesus Christ and that all things be ordered in the Will of Abba, Father.

The shaking: The transition to Virginia.
The beating: the unexpected event
The pressing: the aftermath of the unexpected event

You don't treat the people bad that stood in the gap and interceded for you, that prayed for you constantly, the essentially took spiritual beatings for you, that introduced you to their resources so you could try to get a job, that stood by you and prayed while everything around you was falling a part.

No, you don't treat people like that...

And no, I wasn't perfect because "hurt begets hurt" and when the hurt came my flesh rose and it was horrible. But, I repented and I apologized to them.

You don't make a promise to be their and support them and then turn around and things aren't going well in your life just act like you never said those things.

 

 

The Big Move: Virginia (Stability, Peace, Love)

 

 

I came to Virginia with one thought in mind and God opened my mind to several other options. How interesting?

I'm here because there is more opportunity here for me to make a difference. I know that being in NC was not where God needed for me to be, because every door that I tried to or was already opened slammed shut in my face.

I was working around in circles. I was wasting my life.

Those of you who know a word of prayer, pray for that God sends or blesses my life with the following:

Peace
Strength
Good health
My own good reliable transportation ( a car)
Stability (financial, mental, physical, emotional, spiritual)
LOVE

Thank you. If you have any comments to leave of encouragement please leave them. All kindness and love is always welcomed.

God bless

HIghlights, Updates, New Life

NO MEN, until God sends my husband. My husband is the only man that I want, after Jesus Christ. I don't want to date. I don't want to court. I just want my husband and when God send him. I will know and he will know and it will be the right fit and everything will flow in perfect order. 

I finally moved into my new place and I'm pretty happy. I have a lot of space to put all my things. The only thing now is that I just need a bed and I need to give the place a home like feeling.

God has blessed me with a job working with Children which I love, and he is opening doors for me to receive another job working more with beauty, skin care products.

I'm excited about where God is taking me. I had no idea that a month ago I would be where I am today.

There was some pain involved, as it is to be expected with all of my transitions.

The bottom line, is that God doesn't want my attention to be on any man but his son Jesus Christ.

Until He (God) is ready to give my heart to the man worthy enough and strong enough to protect it.

Here are the things that I have been praying for:

A car (good transportation)

Financial Stability

Good reports from all my grandmothers doctors

My husband to find me

For God to birth out my ministry

For the sick, the weary in spirit.

To bless the lives who showed kindness in a cheerful spirit
And opened their home to me.

By my birthday this year I want to be engaged.

Also, I want to get my masters degree in law, education, or pyschology

I'm thanking God for all of these things in advance because I know that he will provide them all. Not on my time of course. But on his time.

I'm working on reading the four gospels.

I'm also going to start working out again and eating more healthy.

Start All Over: A Brand New Life For Me

I hate NC. I'm so ready to move away from here. 

I'm ready to have a new life. I'm ready to erase this life and start completely over with a new set of cards. 

At a young age, I knew that once my mother passed away that my life was going to be hard. That I was going to get all the messed up cards. 

I'm not really sure what God wants me to do with my life at this point. I feel like I have done everything I could possible do to get my foot in the door to success, but each time I think I'm about to go forward another door slams in my face. Another rejection. Another no!

People don't understand that attached to this door slamming is one of the biggest factors. I don't have a strong support team. I thought I could build one quickly, but as soon as I started getting serious about my walk with Christ most of the people who supported my vision disappeared. But such is the life of a lone wolf... I guess.

I had a nervous break down today, because I drove all the way around town to get to an interview an hour early in the hot ass sun, only to have the owner interview me then tell me that I need training when I have been in hostessing for five years or more. 

He didn't care that my car is fucked up and that I can't fix it. He didn't care that I used my last bit of case to get to that interview. He didn't care that my tires were bad and my car was basically falling a part. All he wanted me to do was do what he said or else I would not have the job. 

Raleigh has nothing for me. I need to move somewhere else. I need to go somewhere, where I can start all over. Be someone completely new. Where I can be and feel appreciated. 

The other part is that not having parents plays a big role too. 
I'm the only grandchild that doesn't have any parent to just help me. I keep asking for help and people look at me like I'm crazy. Like it is strange for me to even think about asking...

I don't know why my life is like this... I'm so tempted to say fuck it all. But I can't because everything that I do is connected to God. My heart beat is connected to God. I know too much about God and what God expects to turn around or to turn my back or to walk away from his truth, peace and unconditional love. 

I never thought that having a walk with Christ would be glamorous but I didn't think it would be like this. All I want to do is get out of this hole. I want to get into a two bedroom house with two bathrooms. I want a new car, mustang and I want a job. That's all. I'm not asking for anything crazy or too hard. People receive things everyday but then when it comes to me. I always get the short end of the stick. 

No one ever pays attention to the poor old wise woman, until they hit their head and get their head busted open. 

No one cares about quality, until they get tired of listening to that crap they call music nowadays. That noise with a beat to it. 

I'm so sick of this life. I want a new one. 

Dedicated Woman of GOD: Chynadahl Malandie

Before you read this you need to know that we all fall short of the glory of God. That no human on this planet is perfect. But that God can clean up anyone for his glory. 

This entry really should go into the other blog, but this young woman has played such an important role(s) in my life that I felt it necessary to speak on it here. On the front. 

I really don't deserve to be shown such kindness, nor love because I am imperfect and I have many flaws myself which I am asking God to clean me up from. But even with me knowing that, I am still loved. 

I was never the best at public speaking, so if you Woman of God are reading this know that I love you very much and that I am very thankful and grateful that God gave you the patience and the love to deal with me. 

Young Adults in the workforce (Part 1): Frustrations in even finding Basic Work

I never had so much trouble trying to find a job in my life.
I know that these are tough economic times but maybe they would not be if people who had plenty enough were not so greedy. But that is another story.

I found this article on craigslist and I wanted to share it because it somewhat sums up the frustrations of trying to find a job.

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/ofc/3905362929.html

 

Myself and many other young adults, broke our backs and necks to attend college because it was slammed down our throats that in order to live a comfortable life we needed a degree. So we worked hard to get one. But what did we get from it?

 

 

What I'm finding now is that even though I have a degree that most places are reluctant to hire me because I don't have enough experience (they say). But it does not take a rocket scientist to follow directions on a piece of paper and or on a HD LG screen. It just takes a person to know how to read and to comprehend what they are reading. Those are basic skills.

 

 

Most of the experience that I have is with modeling, working with children, administrative/clerical work, hosting and singing.

 

Yet, if I were to put all the experience that I have my resume would be over 5 pages long then because It is not set in perfect alignment with the rules of the "corporate" world then it gets tossed.

 

Perfect margins!

 

Double space!

 

No exotic fonts!

 

 

It has to follow the guidelines or it won't even be considered.

 

 

That's another limitation right there.

 

Why? because how can you see my full array of potential if it is not written in front of you, thus causing the employer to assume that I don't have any experiences in the field that the job is in, when I actually do.

 

Then even when I search for basic hosting jobs, I'm finding that they are asking for the person to do a lot more than requires of a basic host job, but they don't want to pay.

 

Not only do some places want you to seat the people but they want you to

Clean the windows/bathrooms/take out the trash

Help servers bring out their food

Sometimes take orders for the server

Run additional errands (not written in the job description)

Have a degree/be attending school

(Yep, just to stand at the front of the door and greet people with a smile some places require you to have some kind of degree)

 

Yet, I have been working long enough to know that there are always make exceptions to the standard rules.

 

That's why it is not so much about what you know in general (general knowledge etc), it is about who you know and what you KNOW about them.

 

Nowadays if you want to make an honest living by let's say working in McDonalds, you have to jump with hoops, walk on hot coals, swim with sharks, sit on an ant hill and all kinds of crazy things just to get minimum wage, which really translate too enough money to keep your lights on and the hot water running.

 

It is very sad. I have never seen it this bad before. A few years ago I could come home from college and just hop on craigslist and have about several interviews lined up back to back in one day. Now, I'm lucky if I get even one.

 

Then I have seen where they hire people who don't even want to work, don't have any of the credentials or qualities that the job description asked for but because he/she knew someone that knew someone well boom they got the job.

 

So the question is, what is the point in going to college at all? And what is the point of trying to keep yourself as role model citizen. What is the point in going for all the prestigious jobs just to keep up with the "jones" and or to keep a good name when in reality if you were to just meet any stranger who had money and a need for some assistance, you could get a job that quick???

 

Going through all the trouble to polish and primp and watch what we say and do good and volunteer and have the perfect resume etc And in the end none of that matters that much because it really is all about who you know.

 

 

 



DC Bound: No Time For Play Play

I'm finally getting a trip out of NC. It may not be much to anyone else, but sure is a lot to me. I have been in NC for too long now. I don't necessarily look at this trip at a luxury one, because when I get there I will be looking for work and working.

If I do nothing else in my life, then I need to work to make money to help my grandmother. I'm single. No children. I have both arms and legs. I'm healthy (thank you GOD for good health). So there is no excuse why I can't, should not be working.

Its strange that the people who want to work, can't find work and those who don't care if they work or not/ don't want to work can find it the easiest.

If I end up staying there then I plan on really going for my masters degree. I have a feeling that that's what I need to do. It might not be much, but I feel like I need it. So we will see. Times are tough right now. But they are only as tough as we limit ourselves to think they are... right?

With God anything and everything is possible.

Mr. Patient Honesty (Boxing Ring of Intelligence)

I met a man who had a gift to melt the ice around this heart. He had a cool confidence and his patience was incredibly strong, but gentle towards me. I could not believe that he was a real person.

My "intelligence" was on full alert!

Sarcasm and raw truth shot out like daggers...

The more I said, the more he absorbed. Every off handed comment, every sarcastic note, every indifferent glare and for the first time I thought that maybe "God" had sent someone who was strong enough to match me. Strong enough to be my friend. Strong enough to stand by my side on this battlefield that many don't realize but called: Life.

He was respectful. He listened to me speak. He opened my doors. But most importantly I felt safe in his arms. I knew that if any man tried to grab on me (as most men unapologetically do...) he would protect me.

He asked me "why are you so mean?"

I replied: "I don't know..."

In his embrace I felt the ice around my heart melt. When my voice was raised. When I acted indifferent. When I was mean. When I was sarcastic. He was patient. It was as if he knew how to counter my every "attack..."

Why does my "intelligence" naturally go into attack mode?

For protection of my heart.

Too many times in the past I shared my heart with the wrong guy. They appeared to be nice. They wanted to be close. They wanted my attention. They wanted my affection...

I have learned that even now, men still like the "cat and mouse" game. They still like to do the chasing....

The second I started to give back. I started to become aware that they liked me a lot. The second I started to show them how much I appreciated them. The moment I started to give, that's when the tables turned and instead of appreciating my giving heart... they only took what I was giving. I was so happy to meet a man that accepted my kind heart. But once they found out that I was a "giver" that's all they expected me to do. Then they stopped being givers. I thought that in order to guarantee that they would be "faithful" and "committed" to me that I had to keep giving...

But little did I know at the time, that it was all apart of a game. That's how I know that men are selfish creatures. Also, that's how I know that men are not stupid though... he read the pattern that I gave out. The more I give the more, he took, the more he would pretend. Then one day, they decide that they want more... and because I didn't have any self-worth I fought tooth and nail; drove myself half bald-headed just to try to accommodate his desires... only to find that none of what I did mattered. Because he left anyway and the woman he met after me, not only was he head over heels in love with and extremely devoted too, he also married her.

Now they have a family together and live happily ever after.

Situations like that happened more than once in my short time on this earth, as a matter of fact, they take up about 80 percent of my life. Why? Because in my old life I was desperate to find a distraction from my pain. I was so desperate to find someone who could understand all parts of me, the giver (the kind side), the scientist (the intelligent side) etc

So I told myself never again would I allow a man to degrade my self-worth. Never again would I let a man get that close to me...

I fought hard to keep him away. But even as I fought I could feel myself trusting this man, who was so patient and had a cool confidence more and more...

Even when it was time for him to go home (we spent a good bit of the evening together from about 8pm to 2am). There was something that was strong in us. You know that knot in the stomach feeling? The butterflies? Well those feelings were strong. In the midst of the situation I was trying to analyze everything, when I should have been enjoying my time with this random awesome man. Its so rare that I meet a man that I can truly say is awesome. Not awesome because he has money, wears nice clothes or has travelled... but awesome because I respect the little bit that I did know about him.

I don't think much of men these days. Matter of fact most of them could go jump into a pool of sharks and I wouldn't think much of it. Most are lazy, selfish and just take up precious oxygen for those of us that really want to use our brains to live fully functioning positive lives....

But like with most situations I knew that he would lost interest or disappear. It has been a pattern in my life ever since I started dating. Also I knew that once my heart was softened (which has been a very long time since I felt that...) that I would want more of that feeling of "safety..." I wanted to know more about this man that had the ability to soften my heart with just a simple sentence and a hug. I wanted to learn everything about him. My heart was so happy to meet a man who had the patience, the confidence etc to handle my "aggressive" side. So, I thought that we could be friends.
But in my logic I knew that we were "moving" too fast. I picked up on that way before when he and I were at a bar, and as we were leaving he walked out and saw me talking to another guy and he got upset. I thought it was strange, because he just met me, so why was he getting upset?

But I understood that in that moment he liked me more than he felt comfortable wanting to admit. When I got home and reflected on our awesome "hang out session" together. I liked him more than I was comfortable admitting. I wanted him to come back and hang out, but then he got "busy..."

And such is the story of my life...

Meet an awesome guy once in a blue moon, then he disappears or gets "busy." I sent him texts, he would text me back. But then my logic kicked in, "what's the point in having a man in my life who doesn't want to get to know me or help me in some kind of way?"
I sent one last text. He never responded.

And that was the end of that....

My intelligence went back to test, as now I'm programmed to do. I test and test and test until men do either one of two things:

1. disappear

2. challenge me back

3. Ask me why I'm still testing him?

Most just disappear. I told him that I can't associate with anyone that is weak in their heart, mind, or spirit. I need to be with a man who is strong enough to handle me through the good and the bad times... I mean, I even had to cut out friends, friends that I have known since middle school because they were too weak to handle my raw honesty.

He said that it was too soon for all of that... which I understood. But at this point in my life "too soon" is not even an option, because I could die tomorrow. So I want to make sure that the people I associate with care about my life.

The last time I went to the doctor they told me that I had a weak heart and that too much stress or pressure could give me a heart-attack, even in my early 20's. I almost died before when I gave a man a piece of my heart that all he did was step on. And ever since that time I have kept a wall around my heart....

I'm like a rose with thorns. I'm beautiful to look at, but no one can get close to me because I'll prick them. I don't mean to. At the core I'm a sweet person. But any man who wants to get close to me puts me on alert. Most men just want to hurt me, beat me down, degrade me, stomp the strength in my heart.... and mold me into the type of woman that they want me to be.

I never met a man who just wanted to protect me, until I met him... But it was nice to "rest" from having to fight for those few hours. But like I knew, he wasn't strong enough to stay in my life... so now I have to go back to protecting my heart using my God-given intelligence and strength.

 

 

But, at least I was reminded that there are men out there who still appreciate loving hearts like mine... maybe that's all I will get throughout my life. I would like to be in a relationship one day, but men just aren't strong enough to handle me.... and if they can't handle me at my worst, then they don't deserve me at my most loving.

But I'm praying I'll meet a man who will care about me even on my most unruly and "ugly" moments... *sigh* been single for awhile. But its not because I haven't tried. Its just because they(men) have been too sacred to step into the boxing ring of intelligence with me and prove to me that they are strong enough to handle me.

Exit Called: Honesty

Sometimes the truth isn't always pretty. Sometimes its tough. Sometimes its gritty. "Put your best ugly foot forward..."
I want to see if I can handle the look of the crusted big toe and the corn on the end of the pinky toe...welcome to honesty.

It is not a place that a lot of people like to go. I never use to like going there either and even now, I sometimes find it hard to even squint my eyes at the exit sign that I know will take me there. But, it seems no matter which direction you go in life. There is the honesty exit at every turn...

Inside (((Screaming))) Out

I write, because if I don't I'm afraid that my head might explode off my body or even worse that I might pop a few blood vessels and die from massive blood loss. Either way I could die if I don't write.

I don't do a lot of talking in real life because when I do people just look at me like I'm a three eyed, ten toed monster with sharp razor teeth and a loud howl that could pierce the heart of the mightiest of men. Yeah, people think I'm a "monster..." but only because I think too much (so they say, at least I can think for myself) and because I love too strongly (at least I know how to love).