The LoneWolf Leader: Everybody Moving BUT You (Part 1)

I believe that everyone goes through a period where they just hate their life. 

Where nothing goes right and no matter how hard you try, to fix, glue, stitch, nail... something back together, IT JUST WON'T STAY FIXED.

 I have been absent from the modeling scene in NC because I have been organizing a new move, planning shoots, working (my butt off for nothing it seemed) and being a listening ear to everyone, but MYSELF... so excuse me if I take time out to take care of myself, because if I don't: WHO WILL? 

I knew I was different, long before I looked into the mirrors in my life. I spent countless hours trying to figure out why I didn't "fit in" and why I could never get my voice heard and taken seriously.

Then I started thinking... "Why, am I watching other people receive upgrades, awards and accomplishing their goals while I'm sitting on the sidelines? Why am I watching everyone enjoy life and be free to make their own choices, while I'm "listening and learning and training?" Why is it such a problem for me to want to experience life, the glamorous side, the humble side (enough of that please to be honest, because I'm MORE THAN READY for a few upgrades in a few areas of my life!) the peaceful or the "bad?"

I do not want to be limited to any opportunities or doors for creativity. I want to explore as far as my mind will allow me to go. But, how can you do that, when every time you get an opportunity something stands in your way? Or every time someone wants to work with you, the message gets to you to late? Tired of the excuses. Tired of the "Wait" and "Be Patient" NO! I'm not waiting anymore. It is long overdue for me to receive what was "stolen" from me anyway. I'm not going to back down. I'm not doing to give up, because I know that faith plus good works move mountains. 

The New Chapter: You Are My Adventure

This is a new chapter in my life. It is filled with adventure, sarcasm and of course being absolutely gorgeous. I am in LOVE. Yes! I finally found my prince and he is amazing. He encourages me to be my very best. He supports my dreams to model, sing and travel all over the world. I must say that it is nice to have the support. I won't rehash the last several months of my journey because it isn't relevant to all the amazing and wonderful things happening in my life right now. 

 But, I will say this, I thank God for all the bad moments in life. I thank God for still staying by my side when I wanted to give up. I thank God for sending people to be by my side during the unexpected event. I thank God for still loving me and still sending people to love me even when I was not at my best. I do believe in true Love, because God sent a someone who shows me what it looks like everyday. 

I use to dream that my prince charming would fly into my window on a white horse with diamonds and sweep me off my feet! Oh! how! wonderful, right? yack! hahaha But, I don't have to dream anymore because every day I see my prince. He reminds me that love still exists and that love can happen for me too. 

 

 I am blessed. Even through the storms.

Mr. Patient Honesty (Boxing Ring of Intelligence)

I met a man who had a gift to melt the ice around this heart. He had a cool confidence and his patience was incredibly strong, but gentle towards me. I could not believe that he was a real person.

My "intelligence" was on full alert!

Sarcasm and raw truth shot out like daggers...

The more I said, the more he absorbed. Every off handed comment, every sarcastic note, every indifferent glare and for the first time I thought that maybe "God" had sent someone who was strong enough to match me. Strong enough to be my friend. Strong enough to stand by my side on this battlefield that many don't realize but called: Life.

He was respectful. He listened to me speak. He opened my doors. But most importantly I felt safe in his arms. I knew that if any man tried to grab on me (as most men unapologetically do...) he would protect me.

He asked me "why are you so mean?"

I replied: "I don't know..."

In his embrace I felt the ice around my heart melt. When my voice was raised. When I acted indifferent. When I was mean. When I was sarcastic. He was patient. It was as if he knew how to counter my every "attack..."

Why does my "intelligence" naturally go into attack mode?

For protection of my heart.

Too many times in the past I shared my heart with the wrong guy. They appeared to be nice. They wanted to be close. They wanted my attention. They wanted my affection...

I have learned that even now, men still like the "cat and mouse" game. They still like to do the chasing....

The second I started to give back. I started to become aware that they liked me a lot. The second I started to show them how much I appreciated them. The moment I started to give, that's when the tables turned and instead of appreciating my giving heart... they only took what I was giving. I was so happy to meet a man that accepted my kind heart. But once they found out that I was a "giver" that's all they expected me to do. Then they stopped being givers. I thought that in order to guarantee that they would be "faithful" and "committed" to me that I had to keep giving...

But little did I know at the time, that it was all apart of a game. That's how I know that men are selfish creatures. Also, that's how I know that men are not stupid though... he read the pattern that I gave out. The more I give the more, he took, the more he would pretend. Then one day, they decide that they want more... and because I didn't have any self-worth I fought tooth and nail; drove myself half bald-headed just to try to accommodate his desires... only to find that none of what I did mattered. Because he left anyway and the woman he met after me, not only was he head over heels in love with and extremely devoted too, he also married her.

Now they have a family together and live happily ever after.

Situations like that happened more than once in my short time on this earth, as a matter of fact, they take up about 80 percent of my life. Why? Because in my old life I was desperate to find a distraction from my pain. I was so desperate to find someone who could understand all parts of me, the giver (the kind side), the scientist (the intelligent side) etc

So I told myself never again would I allow a man to degrade my self-worth. Never again would I let a man get that close to me...

I fought hard to keep him away. But even as I fought I could feel myself trusting this man, who was so patient and had a cool confidence more and more...

Even when it was time for him to go home (we spent a good bit of the evening together from about 8pm to 2am). There was something that was strong in us. You know that knot in the stomach feeling? The butterflies? Well those feelings were strong. In the midst of the situation I was trying to analyze everything, when I should have been enjoying my time with this random awesome man. Its so rare that I meet a man that I can truly say is awesome. Not awesome because he has money, wears nice clothes or has travelled... but awesome because I respect the little bit that I did know about him.

I don't think much of men these days. Matter of fact most of them could go jump into a pool of sharks and I wouldn't think much of it. Most are lazy, selfish and just take up precious oxygen for those of us that really want to use our brains to live fully functioning positive lives....

But like with most situations I knew that he would lost interest or disappear. It has been a pattern in my life ever since I started dating. Also I knew that once my heart was softened (which has been a very long time since I felt that...) that I would want more of that feeling of "safety..." I wanted to know more about this man that had the ability to soften my heart with just a simple sentence and a hug. I wanted to learn everything about him. My heart was so happy to meet a man who had the patience, the confidence etc to handle my "aggressive" side. So, I thought that we could be friends.
But in my logic I knew that we were "moving" too fast. I picked up on that way before when he and I were at a bar, and as we were leaving he walked out and saw me talking to another guy and he got upset. I thought it was strange, because he just met me, so why was he getting upset?

But I understood that in that moment he liked me more than he felt comfortable wanting to admit. When I got home and reflected on our awesome "hang out session" together. I liked him more than I was comfortable admitting. I wanted him to come back and hang out, but then he got "busy..."

And such is the story of my life...

Meet an awesome guy once in a blue moon, then he disappears or gets "busy." I sent him texts, he would text me back. But then my logic kicked in, "what's the point in having a man in my life who doesn't want to get to know me or help me in some kind of way?"
I sent one last text. He never responded.

And that was the end of that....

My intelligence went back to test, as now I'm programmed to do. I test and test and test until men do either one of two things:

1. disappear

2. challenge me back

3. Ask me why I'm still testing him?

Most just disappear. I told him that I can't associate with anyone that is weak in their heart, mind, or spirit. I need to be with a man who is strong enough to handle me through the good and the bad times... I mean, I even had to cut out friends, friends that I have known since middle school because they were too weak to handle my raw honesty.

He said that it was too soon for all of that... which I understood. But at this point in my life "too soon" is not even an option, because I could die tomorrow. So I want to make sure that the people I associate with care about my life.

The last time I went to the doctor they told me that I had a weak heart and that too much stress or pressure could give me a heart-attack, even in my early 20's. I almost died before when I gave a man a piece of my heart that all he did was step on. And ever since that time I have kept a wall around my heart....

I'm like a rose with thorns. I'm beautiful to look at, but no one can get close to me because I'll prick them. I don't mean to. At the core I'm a sweet person. But any man who wants to get close to me puts me on alert. Most men just want to hurt me, beat me down, degrade me, stomp the strength in my heart.... and mold me into the type of woman that they want me to be.

I never met a man who just wanted to protect me, until I met him... But it was nice to "rest" from having to fight for those few hours. But like I knew, he wasn't strong enough to stay in my life... so now I have to go back to protecting my heart using my God-given intelligence and strength.

 

 

But, at least I was reminded that there are men out there who still appreciate loving hearts like mine... maybe that's all I will get throughout my life. I would like to be in a relationship one day, but men just aren't strong enough to handle me.... and if they can't handle me at my worst, then they don't deserve me at my most loving.

But I'm praying I'll meet a man who will care about me even on my most unruly and "ugly" moments... *sigh* been single for awhile. But its not because I haven't tried. Its just because they(men) have been too sacred to step into the boxing ring of intelligence with me and prove to me that they are strong enough to handle me.

Exit Called: Honesty

Sometimes the truth isn't always pretty. Sometimes its tough. Sometimes its gritty. "Put your best ugly foot forward..."
I want to see if I can handle the look of the crusted big toe and the corn on the end of the pinky toe...welcome to honesty.

It is not a place that a lot of people like to go. I never use to like going there either and even now, I sometimes find it hard to even squint my eyes at the exit sign that I know will take me there. But, it seems no matter which direction you go in life. There is the honesty exit at every turn...

Church Anniversary: The Power of GOD (Family Meeting)

Yesterday February 9th 2013 my church, The First Biblican Church of Deliverance open our house so that another church New Covenant could have their 12th anniversary celebration there. 

The event was powerful! The little church that normally only has about 5-20 members was packed. We really had to get comfortable with one another. There were so many people that a couple of the men from security had to set up fold out chairs on the sides of the pews. It was the: "overflow." 

The service lasted from 7pm to almost 12am.  

I was not bothered by the length of the service. I was in awe at her confidence in God, and power. 

She speaks with authority. She speaks and mountains move to the side. It was remarkable! Liberating! She moved the audience! She allowed her body to be a vessel that God could speak through. She definitely is a warrior for Gods Love and a Gladiator for Christ. In her speaking she was gentle but firm about everything that she preached. It didn't really feel like an event, but more like a "FAMILY MEETING." 

This was not the first time that I heard her preach. This was my second time and both times my jaw was on the floor! Many of the things that she said I think about and  post on my facebook. 
One example: The floods, the tornadoes, the earthquakes (etc) those are all signs that God is cleaning up the world. Especially that Hurricane that hit NY not too long ago, that was a clear sign that God is cleaning up NY. How often do you hear of  NY being flooded out???????????? exactly! 

2013: Year To Experiment (part 1)

This year I made up my mind to branch out of my comfort zone and try some new things. I'm not saying anything too dramatic, like try a new drug or anything (I can't mess with that type of stuff anyway. I have to keep my body clean because my body is a temple that I want Jesus Christ to "dwell" in (so to speak)). 

Try new things like: 

Get some of my poetry published. 

Audition for another musical. 

I was in one in college (an original production) and it turned out really well. There were three performance nights. The house was pretty much packed. I was surprised that I had the strength to stick with it despite the drama that I was going through at the time with my ex and his "housekeeper." 

But such is life... I'm in a completely new phase. Although, it hasn't been the easiest of phases to step into. 

One of the things that I'm going to focus on is strengthening my walk with Christ. I was already strong before. The strange thing was that it was my strength that men tried to tear down (now instead of tear it down they try to manipulate and control it...) Also, I found that my strength didn't last. So, now I rely on the strength of God to help me get through. 

In saying that I ran across a book that I found quite interesting and very fitting for this phase...

Transformation: Name Change(Legacy of Greatness)

Faith sees the invisible, believes the unbelievable, and receives the impossible. 

Corrie Ten Boom

I'm a writer.  It is my second passion.

I write poems, novels, short stories, screenplays, songs, speeches, you name it I love to write it. That is my second passion after singing. If I could make money writing then that would be fantastic, but unfortunately what I write is controversial and I feel like people are not ready to read it because they don't like to hear the truth. 

When I write I don't sugarcoat anything. I say it how it is and then I let the people reflect on it. I have gotten angry and hateful responses in the past for some of the things that I have written about men. It was not that they were not TRUE statements, but it was that those statements did not apply to the ones that were reading it and thus made them feel "some type of way." 

I have changed a great deal since my days in college. I have changed so much in the last six months that it even amazes me!

Granted...

This transition is not easy, because a lot of the things that I would have asked my mother I now have to go find other people to ask. I have asked God many times "why he had to take her..." but of course I never get a response. I'm in this transition for a reason. I was dealt the unlucky cards because I'm meant to be apart of something great. 

I feel it. I know it. 

If not through singing, then through writing and if not through either one of those then through sharing my big heart. For example, I love children (I don't know if I will ever have my own but...). When children see me their little eye light up and big smiles cross their faces. I work at a daycare, only a few times a month of course for now. But when I see those kids my heart just fills with all the patience and kindness and joy in the world. It is an incredible feeling. They listen and are obedient. I don't ever have to get firm with them at all. 

I'm thinking about teaching, but we will see where God needs me to be.

I have a heart bigger than the sun. I know that God gave me a big heart so that I could bless other people with it. In saying that I also have to say that, that means I must protect it with all the energy I can muster. I got rid of all my distractions. I got rid of all the people that were holding back from Greatness.

On top of the songs that I already have from my teenage years (ones that I'm revamping...), I'm also finally in a place where I can write new material. New poems. New songs. I now have the time and energy to focus on positively influencing the world. Many people want to be heard and be seen. But I want to (and will) leave behind a 

LEGACY of GREATNESS. 

I confess that this walk has not been easy. There was a point where I felt like I lost more than I had gained, but the truth is what I lost in distractions I gained in blessings. I now have more peace. I now have more humility. I now have more love in my life than I could ever imagine. I was so hurt before so much to the point that I was going to give up singing. I almost lost my gift to sing because I wanted to be distracted from the world so bad, but I firmly believe that God sent angels to keep me on the right track ;)

I think that God has a few more things to clean up in my life, a name change and then I will be all set to really change the world not just with my voice but with my heart and the one that I carry: my mothers.