Start All Over: A Brand New Life For Me

I hate NC. I'm so ready to move away from here. 

I'm ready to have a new life. I'm ready to erase this life and start completely over with a new set of cards. 

At a young age, I knew that once my mother passed away that my life was going to be hard. That I was going to get all the messed up cards. 

I'm not really sure what God wants me to do with my life at this point. I feel like I have done everything I could possible do to get my foot in the door to success, but each time I think I'm about to go forward another door slams in my face. Another rejection. Another no!

People don't understand that attached to this door slamming is one of the biggest factors. I don't have a strong support team. I thought I could build one quickly, but as soon as I started getting serious about my walk with Christ most of the people who supported my vision disappeared. But such is the life of a lone wolf... I guess.

I had a nervous break down today, because I drove all the way around town to get to an interview an hour early in the hot ass sun, only to have the owner interview me then tell me that I need training when I have been in hostessing for five years or more. 

He didn't care that my car is fucked up and that I can't fix it. He didn't care that I used my last bit of case to get to that interview. He didn't care that my tires were bad and my car was basically falling a part. All he wanted me to do was do what he said or else I would not have the job. 

Raleigh has nothing for me. I need to move somewhere else. I need to go somewhere, where I can start all over. Be someone completely new. Where I can be and feel appreciated. 

The other part is that not having parents plays a big role too. 
I'm the only grandchild that doesn't have any parent to just help me. I keep asking for help and people look at me like I'm crazy. Like it is strange for me to even think about asking...

I don't know why my life is like this... I'm so tempted to say fuck it all. But I can't because everything that I do is connected to God. My heart beat is connected to God. I know too much about God and what God expects to turn around or to turn my back or to walk away from his truth, peace and unconditional love. 

I never thought that having a walk with Christ would be glamorous but I didn't think it would be like this. All I want to do is get out of this hole. I want to get into a two bedroom house with two bathrooms. I want a new car, mustang and I want a job. That's all. I'm not asking for anything crazy or too hard. People receive things everyday but then when it comes to me. I always get the short end of the stick. 

No one ever pays attention to the poor old wise woman, until they hit their head and get their head busted open. 

No one cares about quality, until they get tired of listening to that crap they call music nowadays. That noise with a beat to it. 

I'm so sick of this life. I want a new one. 

DC Bound: No Time For Play Play

I'm finally getting a trip out of NC. It may not be much to anyone else, but sure is a lot to me. I have been in NC for too long now. I don't necessarily look at this trip at a luxury one, because when I get there I will be looking for work and working.

If I do nothing else in my life, then I need to work to make money to help my grandmother. I'm single. No children. I have both arms and legs. I'm healthy (thank you GOD for good health). So there is no excuse why I can't, should not be working.

Its strange that the people who want to work, can't find work and those who don't care if they work or not/ don't want to work can find it the easiest.

If I end up staying there then I plan on really going for my masters degree. I have a feeling that that's what I need to do. It might not be much, but I feel like I need it. So we will see. Times are tough right now. But they are only as tough as we limit ourselves to think they are... right?

With God anything and everything is possible.

Exit Called: Honesty

Sometimes the truth isn't always pretty. Sometimes its tough. Sometimes its gritty. "Put your best ugly foot forward..."
I want to see if I can handle the look of the crusted big toe and the corn on the end of the pinky toe...welcome to honesty.

It is not a place that a lot of people like to go. I never use to like going there either and even now, I sometimes find it hard to even squint my eyes at the exit sign that I know will take me there. But, it seems no matter which direction you go in life. There is the honesty exit at every turn...

Inside (((Screaming))) Out

I write, because if I don't I'm afraid that my head might explode off my body or even worse that I might pop a few blood vessels and die from massive blood loss. Either way I could die if I don't write.

I don't do a lot of talking in real life because when I do people just look at me like I'm a three eyed, ten toed monster with sharp razor teeth and a loud howl that could pierce the heart of the mightiest of men. Yeah, people think I'm a "monster..." but only because I think too much (so they say, at least I can think for myself) and because I love too strongly (at least I know how to love).

In My Absence... Experiences and Upgrades!

I have been MIA because of a lot of reasons, but mostly, if I had to sum it all up it would be because I start to lose hope.

There is so much that has been since I last blogged. I'm only going to recount the main highlights. If I can remember them all. lol

I guess the main thing to remember here is that my life changing. I feel like I'm just standing still but every interaction is another opportunity for personal growth in my book.

1. Women's empowerment

2. First Music Video

3. Auditioned for X-factor

Women's Empowerment

 

 

I never thought that I would make it, to be perfectly honest. There were so many models who had awesome walks. I honestly believe that God gave me favor in that situation. It was an experience that I needed to have in order to grow in my walk with Christ. I have no doubt about that. It was also a time when I discovered that I'm beautiful and that I no longer had to carry the pains of my past and the memories of those who bullied me and tortured me to no end because of a condition that I have that I can not help nor change.

 

 

This is what I will say... the experience was much needed. I had a lot of fun and I met some awesome models who were so humble and sweet. The only thing I wish there was more of was organization. I kind of felt like it was thrown together at the last minuet and we were all just expected to go with the flow of the sea or get left behind.

 

The garments that I wore were beautiful. There was this one gown by Bramer Leon that was just fabulous. I felt stunning. I felt powerful and I certainly felt classy! But I didn't get to wear it in the show because it was hard to walk in. I have been practicing since that time walking in gowns so that the next time I get into a gorgeous gown I will be able to walk in it. My heart stopped when I put that gown on and all my worries disappeared. It was a definitely a moment that I felt the presence of God in the midst of all the chaos and changes. The hair was fun and loud! and the makeup was bold, exotic and beautiful! I truly felt like a grown ass woman! haha

 

I would say that women's empowerment is a modeling experience that every model needs to have or a show very similar to it, because I learned a lot.

 

 

1. Always be on time, like a hour early just in case there is a change in plans

 

2. I always come prepared. Even if you think you don't need it. Bring it anyway.

 

3. Always be friendly and treat everyone with respect and love.

 

4. Pray all the time during rehearsals.

 

 

5. Listen. Pay attention. follow directions (makes rehearsals go by a lot faster)

 

 

6. The people who have the money make the rules. If you don't like it then you don't get to be apart of their show. That's just how it is.

 

7. Modeling is business. Its just business. Its a popular saying in the modeling world.

 

8. You have to have a "tough skin" to model because if you don't you will get eaten alive.

 

9. When you finally get your time to shine, bring it to the MAX and don't stop because the next model will outshine you if you don't take advantage of your time. Give it all you've got!

 

10. Modeling is not an easy job. Long hours, sometimes no pay but the experience actually ends up being more than the pay in some cases.

 

11. Learn all you can from those who are industry. Don't go into any casting call or audition thinking that you "KNOW EVERYTHING!" because I promise you that there will be someone there who is more experienced than you.

 

 

Music Video (Blaze- Lose it)

 

 

I never thought I would be in a music that would be nationally televised. I put it on my bucketlist lol but I always thought it would come later in life. I'm thankful nonetheless... God has a funny way of surprising me sometimes.

 

Anyway, anything you do in the entertainment business is going to be hard work. IF you think that you are just going to waltz and start making tons of money from day one then you are in the wrong business.

 

The models that I get to interact with are very sweet and humble. We all get along and we never have an issues. We all have goals and work very hard and we know and love God. 

 

The music video was a lot of work to put together. The hours were long and it took the entire day the next day to complete it so that they could get all the scenes that they needed it. But let me say this! When God is in the midst of anything that you do, all you will receive is QUALITY! QUALITY! I was sad that the video didn't get to be air on BET on the day that we were all told that it would but that's not because our team didn't have everything lined up. So it was told to us that it would air next season. 

 

I already know that God has great plans for this amazing R&B group called: Blaze! They are very respectful young men. Very professional and kept the whole team smiling all day long.

 

 

 



A lot of people forget my mentor, bestfriend, sister Malandie Winston. It is not enough to write about her in this blog. I will be writing about her more often than this because she has a lot to do with my transformation from a slave to a Queen. Let me just say for right now, that if it was not for God sending that beautiful lady in my direction I would probably dead or really messed up right now...

 

I'm very thankful for that Lady. I'm very thankful for her mother too who raised her to be a strong woman of God. So much more to say about her and her mother but I will have to stop there because when I think about how much they have helped me and how much I have grown in my walk with Christ in being around them tears come to my eyes. I felt so lost before I met Malandie Winston and I was so scared... but... let me just leave it there and say Thank you God for blessing me with her in my life.

 

X-factor Auditions

 

 

I did not expect to audition for x-factor. My grandmother said that she saw the auditions being talked about on the News or and that's when I decided to go investigate. So the day before Saturday I printed out all the necessary paperwork.

 

When I got to the line that Saturday at like 7am. I didn't think there would be that many people but there was a line. It wasn't as long as I thought. I stayed at the mall from 7am to about 4pm. My audition time was for 12:30pm but I didn't get to sing until about 2:45pm. The staff for the event were very friendly and I met some really awesome singers. Everyone was nervous! I prayed the entire time, from the time I got out of the car, while I was waiting in line to sign up and even right before my turn to sing. I sung fever (I know I need to get a new song lol) but the rendition that I did it in was different and the judges loved my passion and style, and voice. But of course they didn't pick me! That's how it always happens. They love everything about me, but they never pick me! lol

 

 

The experience was worth it. I must say that its strange that when you are standing in line waiting for you turn to be in the spotlight, everyone around is singing their hearts out and showing off but the second they step in the center of attention they seem to forget all about their confidence. That's how every audition is that I attend when it comes to singing! I know that God gifted me with a POWERHOUSE voice and I know that soon I will be able to share my gift with the world. I try not to go into an audition thinking that I'm better than anyone else or even wanting to win because just in case I don't then I won't ever be too disappointed. I will admit that this time I was little bit sad because I really wanted to travel. But that was my mistake... God isn't ready for me to travel yet. In that disappointed I had to seek advice from my best guy friend who is passionate about his walk with Christ too.

 

In that conversation he reminded me that I should be content with where I am and the peace that I now have in my life. When I ever I speak to him he always makes my problems feel so small. And it was true. Winning x-factor is not as important (not even close) than doing the work of God. I kinda got side tracked and he helped me regain focus on what was important. I also in that conversation discovered why I even associate myself with him in the first place. And it is simple because truth recognizes truth and love recognizes love. So I'm happy with the peace that he and I have now. We have come a very long way in such a short time, but I wouldn't trade where we are now in for what we use to have even if some of the moments did put a smile on my face ;)