Try new things like:
Get some of my poetry published.
Audition for another musical.
I was in one in college (an original production) and it turned out really well. There were three performance nights. The house was pretty much packed. I was surprised that I had the strength to stick with it despite the drama that I was going through at the time with my ex and his "housekeeper."
But such is life... I'm in a completely new phase. Although, it hasn't been the easiest of phases to step into.
One of the things that I'm going to focus on is strengthening my walk with Christ. I was already strong before. The strange thing was that it was my strength that men tried to tear down (now instead of tear it down they try to manipulate and control it...) Also, I found that my strength didn't last. So, now I rely on the strength of God to help me get through.
In saying that I ran across a book that I found quite interesting and very fitting for this phase...
The title of the book is called:
Smart Girls Marry Money (How Women Have been Duped into the Romantic Dream and How they're paying for it). It is by Elizabeth Ford and Daniela Drake, MD (I wrote it out just in case your eyesight isn't that great...).
I'm not done reading it. But I find that everything that they are saying are the very thoughts that I always wanted to express. Yet, I was too afraid to because I thought it would come off too "snarky" and turn men off to me.
That attitude though was carried through out college. I actually had a hat that said: The Feminist, on it. I was pretty mad at men during that time. It seemed that no matter what I did I attracted men that just wanted to hurt me. I was very vocal back then about proving that women were the more superior of the sexes. I would publicly challenge my male classmates in class, just because I could.
It was all quite thrilling...
At the time (before my favorite sociology professor stepped into a relationship) I sought her advance more often. I became really interested in women's studies. I wanted to learn more about Feminism. I thought that she and I were on the same page, but as time grew and she started liking her then boyfriend more and more. She grew tired of my anger toward men.
It was hard to balance the anger because I did run into some really nice guys on campus that showed interest in getting to know me. But everyone knew (because it was such a small campus) that I stated that I was a feminist, that I didn't care much for men (not that I was a lesbian or anything) that I thought men were worthless. But yet, I still wanted to date one. I still wanted to be held by a man....
Isn't that contradictory?
Yeah, it is (lol)
I'm in a completely different place all together, but I didn't get to this place until after I really fell in love with someone who I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS thought I would fall for. Then we ended up not working out.
He envied my strength at heart, said that I "bragged too much about my strength" and I was disgusted with his weakness and his almost deliberate refusal to grow a backbone.
I saw so much potential in him to be a great leader to be a great man but he was content to stay average. I did try to reduce myself from a status of a QUEEN to a "slave", so to speak, just so I could "fit" into his little world. But ultimately I wasn't being true to myself.
I was not born to be average in any form or fashion.
In that fall that's when God and I met again for the first time in a long time. He sent an angel to tell me a message that changed my life...
I like the book, not because I agree that women should necessarily marry for money, but because I agree that they shouldn't settle. Men have an attitude of "take it or leave it..." but if we (women) were to have the same attitude then we are bitches and whores and every other horrible name they can think of.
Before I use to be a hopeless romantic to the capital T, all I wanted to do was fall in love and have a happily ever after like Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. Many women probably deep down want that dream life, but sadly a lot of us will meet countless "jokers" and maybe only one or two "kings" in this life and on this earth.
In college I had all these theories about men, because I studied them like they were my lab experiments. I was fascinated by their ever-changing behaviors. One minute they wanted to be with me, the next minuet they did not know. Then before I knew it he and I were broken up.
I ran into so much trouble because:
1. My heart was on my sleeve
2. I was looking for comfort in all the wrong places
3. My confidence was not as high as I thought it was
4. I didn't know the extent of my power
Then when I finally got completely fed up, I went the other extreme. Instead of wearing my heart on my sleeve I decided to wear my intelligence on my sleeve. It gave me a feeling of power.
I knew all the answers. I had all my ducks in a row. I threw my intelligence in their face like it was a new football and I didn't care. But in doing that I also found that I didn't attract any friends either. Even the girls that I thought were getting to like me better, started to distance themselves from me. I found that I stood alone more often than not. There were even times during class when my classmates in unison "attacked" me. I could tell that it was out of frustration from my attitude. I never had nice things to say about men. Anytime the topic of feminism came up, my classmates seemed to mumble under their breath or groan in internal agony at the thought of hearing me talk about how men suck and women rule.
But I didn't care. I felt powerful.
I didn't care that I also felt lonely.
While all my friends were dating and some even getting engaged I was still in the single boat and no one could figure it out. I was pretty? Yeah. I was educated? Yes. I had a job and my own car? Yeah. So why wasn't I able to meet a nice guy?...
Because my attitude was all jacked up. It was written all over me, that I thought I was better than men. Even when I tried to be friendly it didn't work out because I still had that mentality that all men sucked. All because of what a few guys did to me.
I'm indifferent now. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve anymore. In re-establishing my relationship with Christ. I asked God to take away any romantic feelings until he sent me my husband. It actually turned out pretty well, because when I love I love hard. I'm that lady that goes the extra mile for the man I'm dating even if it is not asked of me. It hurt that it was never reciprocated, but that's why I made the request to be free from the idea of romantic love all together. I admit I get lonely. But the feeling of loneliness passes.
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