Hip Hop Rockstart: #OGP MixTape

He goes by the name of "Ku$h Got Hella Clout. He is a Young Hip Hop Rockstar Born In Harvey Illinois. He doesn't like to think of himself as a "Lyrcist" because that makes him feel like he is putting himself in a box. He likes to just think of himself as Rockstar who just "knows how to rap."

His current project is titled: #OGP (Only Gods Prevail) It's a Mix-tape and through this project he wanted to let the supporters know as long as you believe you can succeed!!!!!! 

He writes all his own music. He says he is blessed to be able to say GOD gave him the talent. He only has one feature on this mix-tape, but there may be more in the future. In his career he was given plenty of advice but the the best advice given to him was "stay focused and never give up!"

The first Rapper to inspire him to write music and to not be afraid to be different was: Lil Wayne. In his writings his favorite song that he has written so far and released to the world is "Fiji" which is off of his Upcoming Mix-tape #OGP. He loves "Fiji" so much because it's the first song he played with auto-tune on it.

He has performed too many times to count but he is blessed to say that he has more performances and show dates lined up. So stay tuned! His most memorable performance was when he performed in ATL. He shares that memory because he put the video of the performance online and it had like 7k views in 3 or 4 months!

If he could perform with any popular Artist today it would most likely be Wiz Khalifa because he likes his crowd, energy and he believes that the music they both bring would add a lot of support and fans would love to see that!

He stands out from other Artists because he is himself! He is a kid from the ghetto who loves to skateboard, listen to all types of music and one of his biggest idols is Marilyn Manson even though he isn't a Hip Hop Artist. He adds that his future holds a lot of success with music. He has more projects yet to be released. He is currently working on setting up a tour to some new cities and he is working on shooting more visuals.

He can be contacted and his work can be seen at the following links: 

SoundCloud.com/kushgothellaclout

ReverbNation.com/kushgothellaclout

Or you can follow me on Instagram @Kush_got_hella_clout

Or on Twitter @KGHC_

Or Periscope @Kush_Got_Hella_Clout

The LoneWolf Leader: Everybody Moving BUT You (Part 1)

I believe that everyone goes through a period where they just hate their life. 

Where nothing goes right and no matter how hard you try, to fix, glue, stitch, nail... something back together, IT JUST WON'T STAY FIXED.

 I have been absent from the modeling scene in NC because I have been organizing a new move, planning shoots, working (my butt off for nothing it seemed) and being a listening ear to everyone, but MYSELF... so excuse me if I take time out to take care of myself, because if I don't: WHO WILL? 

I knew I was different, long before I looked into the mirrors in my life. I spent countless hours trying to figure out why I didn't "fit in" and why I could never get my voice heard and taken seriously.

Then I started thinking... "Why, am I watching other people receive upgrades, awards and accomplishing their goals while I'm sitting on the sidelines? Why am I watching everyone enjoy life and be free to make their own choices, while I'm "listening and learning and training?" Why is it such a problem for me to want to experience life, the glamorous side, the humble side (enough of that please to be honest, because I'm MORE THAN READY for a few upgrades in a few areas of my life!) the peaceful or the "bad?"

I do not want to be limited to any opportunities or doors for creativity. I want to explore as far as my mind will allow me to go. But, how can you do that, when every time you get an opportunity something stands in your way? Or every time someone wants to work with you, the message gets to you to late? Tired of the excuses. Tired of the "Wait" and "Be Patient" NO! I'm not waiting anymore. It is long overdue for me to receive what was "stolen" from me anyway. I'm not going to back down. I'm not doing to give up, because I know that faith plus good works move mountains. 

The New Chapter: You Are My Adventure

This is a new chapter in my life. It is filled with adventure, sarcasm and of course being absolutely gorgeous. I am in LOVE. Yes! I finally found my prince and he is amazing. He encourages me to be my very best. He supports my dreams to model, sing and travel all over the world. I must say that it is nice to have the support. I won't rehash the last several months of my journey because it isn't relevant to all the amazing and wonderful things happening in my life right now. 

 But, I will say this, I thank God for all the bad moments in life. I thank God for still staying by my side when I wanted to give up. I thank God for sending people to be by my side during the unexpected event. I thank God for still loving me and still sending people to love me even when I was not at my best. I do believe in true Love, because God sent a someone who shows me what it looks like everyday. 

I use to dream that my prince charming would fly into my window on a white horse with diamonds and sweep me off my feet! Oh! how! wonderful, right? yack! hahaha But, I don't have to dream anymore because every day I see my prince. He reminds me that love still exists and that love can happen for me too. 

 

 I am blessed. Even through the storms.

Still In Virgina No Choice But To Rise (4 Months Now)

God has placed me in an environment where I can only talk to and depend on him. He took away any form of comforting distraction. I keep trying to be "normal" but that is not what God has called me to be.

Every time a man comes in my life God cuts me right off from them, except with my last real relationship. The one that got me here in the first place. He moved me, and strangely enough he moved me five minutes away from where he lives. How interesting... right?

It almost feels like God has me sitting in the "waiting room." It could be that when he is done cleaning both of us up and strengthening our gifts that he will put us back together for his glory. But, while I'm waiting to see what the next move of God is I know that I have to continue to "be about my Father's business."

I don't know if it is wrong to miss someone or not, but the truth of the matter of my heart is that I do. I try not to dwell on it too much, but it makes me sad. That they are so close, yet so far away it seems. I can not stand in the gap and intercede on behalf of them when they are going through a spiritual battle, because God has moved me out of the way. Whatever they are going through, they have to go through alone. Just as I have to go through this alone. This time will teach us how to rely on God, wholeheartedly all the time no matter if we are together in the future or not. So, even though it hurts me, durn near breaks my heart some times. I know that it is for the best right now...

The other thing is that I'm learning men are not as strong as they like to think they are. As, God is cleaning me up to be a Queen and strengthening my mind, soul, body and spirit I realize that men are starting to come out of the woods ready to distract me and stand in my way. As soon, as the man that I love and I were separated that is when the vultures and lecherous beasts came out.

The other thing I realized is that just as God hears your prayers so can the devil. So, even though it might look like "light" does not necessarily mean it is holy and righteous light, because even satan was of the light.

I as that to say, that I thought I was going to be engaged this month, but it turns out that the guy that I was dating is not who he said he was. He talked about how he wanted honesty and communication, but the strange thing is that he didn't want honesty and communication when he was upset. See, that's the thing.

How honest and open to communication can you be no matter what emotion you are feeling? I thought because he was older that maybe he would be more mature. But, I should have known from what he told me that he was selfish and spoiled. My ears are always listening for red flag signs. He told me stories of when he would get into fights or act crazy and how people were so afraid of him that they would just let him do whatever. So, in other words... he would throw a tantrum and then he would get his way. And that doesn't fly with me...

How is the priest of the household that I live in, going to be a good explain to my sons if he is too busy being selfish and stomping around complaining about what someone did to him. "You hurt me!" No you hurt yourself, by not listening, by being distant and not communicating with me when I clearly asked you in the beginning to be honest with me at all times.

I'm not perfect, let me just say that. But, at least I take the time to reflect. I could tell by his actions that he has an abusive personality and maybe that's really why his first marriage failed. He said it was because his wife at the time was on drugs, but how do I know that he didn't influence her by being hateful, selfish, and mean to use drugs in the first place?

I thank God that he closed the door on that little "playhouse" idea. The next time I meet a man, he will have his own place, own car, a stabl job and a degree from a certified accredited college. And most importantly he will love God, be more than passionate about learning and loving GOD.



 

Life In Virginia: The Shaking, The Beating, The Pressing

                         
I'm still here in VA. I'm not really sure why, because most of those who I thought were supportive of me have turned their back against me. I really should go home, but I enjoy the church I attended and I like being apart of souls4real. They are a community gospel group, passionate and on fire for God.

Yet, in my own time I find that I am lonely and I still feel somewhat hurt by all the unexpected events that took place. Why should I stay in a town where the only person that I trusted and said that I could talk to about anything and everything, no longer wants to speak to me? The only real friend I had, can't even text me back. We went from talking every single day, to nothing at all. And there is no explanation. Just poof gone. Disappeared.

How can you tell someone that you love and care about them and then turn around and disappear on them, when they need you the most?

It is messed up. And everyone who hears that part of my testimony will agree. But, God will take care of them. I believe and trust that.

I love them very much, still yet. And whenever they want to be in my life again the door is always open. But the next time they come back they have to come back correct and in their right mind.

Right now, I have been praying for guidance in the right direction. I need to make sure that this area is where God really needs for me to be.

The other thing on top of that is that I no longer have the job that I originally started with, because they would not understand about employee safety. They didn't care. I'm not going to work for a company that doesn't care about employee safety.

When I started the job I was excited to have it, because I still had the support of my friend. So they would come pick me up from work and I would get home at a decent hour. But, after they abandon me I had to learn to take the bus and in taking the bus I didn't get home until around 9:30pm or even 10pm sometimes. Then I had to walk a mile in the dark.

Many people say that you need to take responsibility for your own self, but I guarantee that if the shoe was their foot they would want someone to understand and support them too. Nope, I'm not looking for a pity party. I don't like those, can't stand them. Waste too much time, but I am looking for those who know how to pray to pray that justice be done in the name of Jesus Christ and that all things be ordered in the Will of Abba, Father.

The shaking: The transition to Virginia.
The beating: the unexpected event
The pressing: the aftermath of the unexpected event

You don't treat the people bad that stood in the gap and interceded for you, that prayed for you constantly, the essentially took spiritual beatings for you, that introduced you to their resources so you could try to get a job, that stood by you and prayed while everything around you was falling a part.

No, you don't treat people like that...

And no, I wasn't perfect because "hurt begets hurt" and when the hurt came my flesh rose and it was horrible. But, I repented and I apologized to them.

You don't make a promise to be their and support them and then turn around and things aren't going well in your life just act like you never said those things.

 

 

Dedicated Woman of GOD: Chynadahl Malandie

Before you read this you need to know that we all fall short of the glory of God. That no human on this planet is perfect. But that God can clean up anyone for his glory. 

This entry really should go into the other blog, but this young woman has played such an important role(s) in my life that I felt it necessary to speak on it here. On the front. 

I really don't deserve to be shown such kindness, nor love because I am imperfect and I have many flaws myself which I am asking God to clean me up from. But even with me knowing that, I am still loved. 

I was never the best at public speaking, so if you Woman of God are reading this know that I love you very much and that I am very thankful and grateful that God gave you the patience and the love to deal with me. 

The Biggest Move: Things to Do, Places to See, People to Meet

I have a dream: To get out of North Carolina.

I have been here way too long. Everyone that I meet is starting to sound the same and look the same.

I'm ready to move, but the trouble is that if I make the wrong move I could invite trouble into my life.

I like the peace that I have. Yet, I wish I could travel and still maintain the peace.

I feel like I keep trying everything that I can think of and nothing is working. I swear that the entire NC has seen my resume and no one seems to want to hire me for anything, not even washing dishes. It can't be anything that I have said or done because all they know of me is by my resume. So, I nit picked my resume and even had a few friends review to make sure that it was presentable... but still no change.

The other thing the modeling thing hasn't moved much. The last major thing I was in was women's empowerment. I poured my heart and soul into doing that show only to find that I was only given 15 seconds on the stage and I still didn't get any photos back, because I have to pay for them.... (even though I didn't get paid for doing the show in the first place....see how NC works?)

I need a job. I need a place to live and a need another car, it doesn't have to be fancy just something that actually starts when you put the key in the ignition the first time.

I had a few people claim that they would help me get this modeling and singing thing off the ground, but for some reason either they only committed to one task and then disappeared or they got distracted and forgot about me.... that seems to be the case, the latter of the two. I'm always being forgotten.

I'm tired of people not knowing my name or comparing me with other people.

I'm tired of sitting in NC wasting my life, when everyone else is moving forward.

I'm tired of people telling me to be patient when they are driving in a new car, have their own bed to sleep in and have all the things that they need and want.

I'm tired of being at the bottom, when I know that I know, that I KNOW that my place is at the top.

I'm thinking of switching the game entirely and really shocking people, not because I want to but because I need to make money to support myself. It's not like I have a husband or even a dad that helps me full time or any parents at all for that matter so I'm pretty much on my own....

If it wasn't for my grandmother I would really be in trouble because she is the only one (out of my biologically family) besides my step dad once in a blue moon that helps me do anything. My aunts have given up on me. They (like I always knew they felt) see me as a burden "another mouth to feed" and don't care if I make it in life or not....

I know that I have to make a choice soon and get my life started. I thought about going into the military. I have said this so many times now that I'm really considering it because it seems to be my option left other than going to the "dark side" and degrading myself which breaks my heart just to think about even doing....

I want to go where the beautiful people are. People who look like me. People who take care of themselves and hold themselves to a higher standard. I want to be in every magazine, commercial, billboard, runway, tv show that there is and I want people to know who I am. I want to sing and make music that people fall in love with. I want to go where people are friendly, talk and have conversations with you because they want to get to know you. I want to go where things happen. Where people appreciate, respect and admire the beautiful people that God created....  

Where change happens every day. I feel like NC is a hole in the wall. A waste land for people who have either given up on life or have travelled all over the world and are ready to settle down and reflect on their memories...



Although, many people have said many encouraging words they are really helping that much (right now) because what I need is a job that I can do with full quality, so I can save up money to travel to some of the places below:

*New York*

 

 

 

Miami, Florida

 

 

LA, California

 

 

Virgin Islands

 

 

Tokyo, Japan

 

 

 

Greece

 

Spain

 

 

These are only a few places that I hope to travel to one day... but either way if I can just get out of North Carolina then I will be happy. 

 

 

 

 

 





 

 



 

 



 



Mr. Patient Honesty (Boxing Ring of Intelligence)

I met a man who had a gift to melt the ice around this heart. He had a cool confidence and his patience was incredibly strong, but gentle towards me. I could not believe that he was a real person.

My "intelligence" was on full alert!

Sarcasm and raw truth shot out like daggers...

The more I said, the more he absorbed. Every off handed comment, every sarcastic note, every indifferent glare and for the first time I thought that maybe "God" had sent someone who was strong enough to match me. Strong enough to be my friend. Strong enough to stand by my side on this battlefield that many don't realize but called: Life.

He was respectful. He listened to me speak. He opened my doors. But most importantly I felt safe in his arms. I knew that if any man tried to grab on me (as most men unapologetically do...) he would protect me.

He asked me "why are you so mean?"

I replied: "I don't know..."

In his embrace I felt the ice around my heart melt. When my voice was raised. When I acted indifferent. When I was mean. When I was sarcastic. He was patient. It was as if he knew how to counter my every "attack..."

Why does my "intelligence" naturally go into attack mode?

For protection of my heart.

Too many times in the past I shared my heart with the wrong guy. They appeared to be nice. They wanted to be close. They wanted my attention. They wanted my affection...

I have learned that even now, men still like the "cat and mouse" game. They still like to do the chasing....

The second I started to give back. I started to become aware that they liked me a lot. The second I started to show them how much I appreciated them. The moment I started to give, that's when the tables turned and instead of appreciating my giving heart... they only took what I was giving. I was so happy to meet a man that accepted my kind heart. But once they found out that I was a "giver" that's all they expected me to do. Then they stopped being givers. I thought that in order to guarantee that they would be "faithful" and "committed" to me that I had to keep giving...

But little did I know at the time, that it was all apart of a game. That's how I know that men are selfish creatures. Also, that's how I know that men are not stupid though... he read the pattern that I gave out. The more I give the more, he took, the more he would pretend. Then one day, they decide that they want more... and because I didn't have any self-worth I fought tooth and nail; drove myself half bald-headed just to try to accommodate his desires... only to find that none of what I did mattered. Because he left anyway and the woman he met after me, not only was he head over heels in love with and extremely devoted too, he also married her.

Now they have a family together and live happily ever after.

Situations like that happened more than once in my short time on this earth, as a matter of fact, they take up about 80 percent of my life. Why? Because in my old life I was desperate to find a distraction from my pain. I was so desperate to find someone who could understand all parts of me, the giver (the kind side), the scientist (the intelligent side) etc

So I told myself never again would I allow a man to degrade my self-worth. Never again would I let a man get that close to me...

I fought hard to keep him away. But even as I fought I could feel myself trusting this man, who was so patient and had a cool confidence more and more...

Even when it was time for him to go home (we spent a good bit of the evening together from about 8pm to 2am). There was something that was strong in us. You know that knot in the stomach feeling? The butterflies? Well those feelings were strong. In the midst of the situation I was trying to analyze everything, when I should have been enjoying my time with this random awesome man. Its so rare that I meet a man that I can truly say is awesome. Not awesome because he has money, wears nice clothes or has travelled... but awesome because I respect the little bit that I did know about him.

I don't think much of men these days. Matter of fact most of them could go jump into a pool of sharks and I wouldn't think much of it. Most are lazy, selfish and just take up precious oxygen for those of us that really want to use our brains to live fully functioning positive lives....

But like with most situations I knew that he would lost interest or disappear. It has been a pattern in my life ever since I started dating. Also I knew that once my heart was softened (which has been a very long time since I felt that...) that I would want more of that feeling of "safety..." I wanted to know more about this man that had the ability to soften my heart with just a simple sentence and a hug. I wanted to learn everything about him. My heart was so happy to meet a man who had the patience, the confidence etc to handle my "aggressive" side. So, I thought that we could be friends.
But in my logic I knew that we were "moving" too fast. I picked up on that way before when he and I were at a bar, and as we were leaving he walked out and saw me talking to another guy and he got upset. I thought it was strange, because he just met me, so why was he getting upset?

But I understood that in that moment he liked me more than he felt comfortable wanting to admit. When I got home and reflected on our awesome "hang out session" together. I liked him more than I was comfortable admitting. I wanted him to come back and hang out, but then he got "busy..."

And such is the story of my life...

Meet an awesome guy once in a blue moon, then he disappears or gets "busy." I sent him texts, he would text me back. But then my logic kicked in, "what's the point in having a man in my life who doesn't want to get to know me or help me in some kind of way?"
I sent one last text. He never responded.

And that was the end of that....

My intelligence went back to test, as now I'm programmed to do. I test and test and test until men do either one of two things:

1. disappear

2. challenge me back

3. Ask me why I'm still testing him?

Most just disappear. I told him that I can't associate with anyone that is weak in their heart, mind, or spirit. I need to be with a man who is strong enough to handle me through the good and the bad times... I mean, I even had to cut out friends, friends that I have known since middle school because they were too weak to handle my raw honesty.

He said that it was too soon for all of that... which I understood. But at this point in my life "too soon" is not even an option, because I could die tomorrow. So I want to make sure that the people I associate with care about my life.

The last time I went to the doctor they told me that I had a weak heart and that too much stress or pressure could give me a heart-attack, even in my early 20's. I almost died before when I gave a man a piece of my heart that all he did was step on. And ever since that time I have kept a wall around my heart....

I'm like a rose with thorns. I'm beautiful to look at, but no one can get close to me because I'll prick them. I don't mean to. At the core I'm a sweet person. But any man who wants to get close to me puts me on alert. Most men just want to hurt me, beat me down, degrade me, stomp the strength in my heart.... and mold me into the type of woman that they want me to be.

I never met a man who just wanted to protect me, until I met him... But it was nice to "rest" from having to fight for those few hours. But like I knew, he wasn't strong enough to stay in my life... so now I have to go back to protecting my heart using my God-given intelligence and strength.

 

 

But, at least I was reminded that there are men out there who still appreciate loving hearts like mine... maybe that's all I will get throughout my life. I would like to be in a relationship one day, but men just aren't strong enough to handle me.... and if they can't handle me at my worst, then they don't deserve me at my most loving.

But I'm praying I'll meet a man who will care about me even on my most unruly and "ugly" moments... *sigh* been single for awhile. But its not because I haven't tried. Its just because they(men) have been too sacred to step into the boxing ring of intelligence with me and prove to me that they are strong enough to handle me.

Inside (((Screaming))) Out

I write, because if I don't I'm afraid that my head might explode off my body or even worse that I might pop a few blood vessels and die from massive blood loss. Either way I could die if I don't write.

I don't do a lot of talking in real life because when I do people just look at me like I'm a three eyed, ten toed monster with sharp razor teeth and a loud howl that could pierce the heart of the mightiest of men. Yeah, people think I'm a "monster..." but only because I think too much (so they say, at least I can think for myself) and because I love too strongly (at least I know how to love).