I'm ready to have a new life. I'm ready to erase this life and start completely over with a new set of cards.
At a young age, I knew that once my mother passed away that my life was going to be hard. That I was going to get all the messed up cards.
I'm not really sure what God wants me to do with my life at this point. I feel like I have done everything I could possible do to get my foot in the door to success, but each time I think I'm about to go forward another door slams in my face. Another rejection. Another no!
People don't understand that attached to this door slamming is one of the biggest factors. I don't have a strong support team. I thought I could build one quickly, but as soon as I started getting serious about my walk with Christ most of the people who supported my vision disappeared. But such is the life of a lone wolf... I guess.
I had a nervous break down today, because I drove all the way around town to get to an interview an hour early in the hot ass sun, only to have the owner interview me then tell me that I need training when I have been in hostessing for five years or more.
He didn't care that my car is fucked up and that I can't fix it. He didn't care that I used my last bit of case to get to that interview. He didn't care that my tires were bad and my car was basically falling a part. All he wanted me to do was do what he said or else I would not have the job.
Raleigh has nothing for me. I need to move somewhere else. I need to go somewhere, where I can start all over. Be someone completely new. Where I can be and feel appreciated.
The other part is that not having parents plays a big role too.
I'm the only grandchild that doesn't have any parent to just help me. I keep asking for help and people look at me like I'm crazy. Like it is strange for me to even think about asking...
I don't know why my life is like this... I'm so tempted to say fuck it all. But I can't because everything that I do is connected to God. My heart beat is connected to God. I know too much about God and what God expects to turn around or to turn my back or to walk away from his truth, peace and unconditional love.
I never thought that having a walk with Christ would be glamorous but I didn't think it would be like this. All I want to do is get out of this hole. I want to get into a two bedroom house with two bathrooms. I want a new car, mustang and I want a job. That's all. I'm not asking for anything crazy or too hard. People receive things everyday but then when it comes to me. I always get the short end of the stick.
No one ever pays attention to the poor old wise woman, until they hit their head and get their head busted open.
No one cares about quality, until they get tired of listening to that crap they call music nowadays. That noise with a beat to it.
I'm so sick of this life. I want a new one.
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