Dreams and Passions: Opera, Musical Theater, Singing

One of my biggest passions is to sing Opera, or Musical Theater in general. I only experienced musical theater once in my life, but even though it was a lot of hard work, I had a blast learning and making new friendships with the young men and women that were part of the production. 

Arise: Women's Leadership Conference

November 15-17 2013: Arise (Women's Leadership Conference)

I took a leap of faith attending this conference. I knew that I had a debt to pay, but instead of paying it I put all my trust in God. In the word he said that he would supply "all our needs..." so, I put my confidence, faith, trust and hope into that promise and followed what the holy spirit lead me to do.

Having positive women role models in your life is very important. How will you know what a Virtuous woman looks like if you have never seen one? I'm happy to say that the ladies in my god family were some of the first examples I encountered when I finally gave got serious about my walk with Christ.

I told God that I wanted to teach his people how to walk in his love, truth and peace. But, how can I be an example if I am not 1. practicing what I preach nor 2. associating myself with women who are "talking the talk and walkin in the walking" (so to speak)? When I first met the ladies in my god family I knew that my life would never be the same.

And that is how I felt after attending the Arise women's leadership Conference too. I finally had a chance to be around women who were striving and working and being dedicated to living a virtious life. I finally met young married women who were examples of a virtuous young married living. I had the opportutnity to here from seasoned Christian woman who have been married for 20 years plus about how they were lead by God to start their businesses, what their married lives were like at the beginning and how God was able to bring them full circle to a place of harmony, unity and peace in their lives today. It was beautiful.

I had my emotional moments as well.

During this time there were two things that really stuck out at me that I felt the holy spirit push me to ask God to help me with and

1. being more friendly

2. Controlling my emotions

Yes, I did a lot of praying this past weekend and reflecting. I did not do a lot of talking because I wanted to observe and take everything in. As, those of you who know me, I'm not much a big "talker" anyway. I'm a writer and a singer. IF you try to get me to go on stage and talk about a topic I freeze up! lol If you get to me to sing or even model then that is where I'm more comfortable.

But, God has called me to step outside of my comfort zone. That's why he placed me here in the first place. It is long overdue for me to rise to the calling of A: Queen and attending this conference this past weekend confirmed that even more.

I'm not like other women, in the sense that I can just sit by and do nothing. My heart, spirit and soul feel compelled to share this love that God placed within with any and everyone who needs it. There are people out there who need encouragment, hope, comfort, love, etc and God has given, not just me but many of the ladies that I know already and even those that just met this weekend this gifts and abilities to help others in that area.

God has called me to be a leader. I rejected the idea for the longest time because I did not think I was strong enough. Also, to go deeper, I did not want the "responsibility." But everything about this spiritual journey screams: LEADER! LEADER! LEADER! Time for me to stand up and "grow a backbone" and stop running from the position that GOD has called me to rise too.

He never said that it would be easy, but I know that it will be worth it because of all the lives that I will be able to encourage, support, comfort, protect, guide them to the perfect love of GOD.

 

Dedicated Woman of GOD: Chynadahl Malandie

Before you read this you need to know that we all fall short of the glory of God. That no human on this planet is perfect. But that God can clean up anyone for his glory. 

This entry really should go into the other blog, but this young woman has played such an important role(s) in my life that I felt it necessary to speak on it here. On the front. 

I really don't deserve to be shown such kindness, nor love because I am imperfect and I have many flaws myself which I am asking God to clean me up from. But even with me knowing that, I am still loved. 

I was never the best at public speaking, so if you Woman of God are reading this know that I love you very much and that I am very thankful and grateful that God gave you the patience and the love to deal with me. 

The Biggest Move: Things to Do, Places to See, People to Meet

I have a dream: To get out of North Carolina.

I have been here way too long. Everyone that I meet is starting to sound the same and look the same.

I'm ready to move, but the trouble is that if I make the wrong move I could invite trouble into my life.

I like the peace that I have. Yet, I wish I could travel and still maintain the peace.

I feel like I keep trying everything that I can think of and nothing is working. I swear that the entire NC has seen my resume and no one seems to want to hire me for anything, not even washing dishes. It can't be anything that I have said or done because all they know of me is by my resume. So, I nit picked my resume and even had a few friends review to make sure that it was presentable... but still no change.

The other thing the modeling thing hasn't moved much. The last major thing I was in was women's empowerment. I poured my heart and soul into doing that show only to find that I was only given 15 seconds on the stage and I still didn't get any photos back, because I have to pay for them.... (even though I didn't get paid for doing the show in the first place....see how NC works?)

I need a job. I need a place to live and a need another car, it doesn't have to be fancy just something that actually starts when you put the key in the ignition the first time.

I had a few people claim that they would help me get this modeling and singing thing off the ground, but for some reason either they only committed to one task and then disappeared or they got distracted and forgot about me.... that seems to be the case, the latter of the two. I'm always being forgotten.

I'm tired of people not knowing my name or comparing me with other people.

I'm tired of sitting in NC wasting my life, when everyone else is moving forward.

I'm tired of people telling me to be patient when they are driving in a new car, have their own bed to sleep in and have all the things that they need and want.

I'm tired of being at the bottom, when I know that I know, that I KNOW that my place is at the top.

I'm thinking of switching the game entirely and really shocking people, not because I want to but because I need to make money to support myself. It's not like I have a husband or even a dad that helps me full time or any parents at all for that matter so I'm pretty much on my own....

If it wasn't for my grandmother I would really be in trouble because she is the only one (out of my biologically family) besides my step dad once in a blue moon that helps me do anything. My aunts have given up on me. They (like I always knew they felt) see me as a burden "another mouth to feed" and don't care if I make it in life or not....

I know that I have to make a choice soon and get my life started. I thought about going into the military. I have said this so many times now that I'm really considering it because it seems to be my option left other than going to the "dark side" and degrading myself which breaks my heart just to think about even doing....

I want to go where the beautiful people are. People who look like me. People who take care of themselves and hold themselves to a higher standard. I want to be in every magazine, commercial, billboard, runway, tv show that there is and I want people to know who I am. I want to sing and make music that people fall in love with. I want to go where people are friendly, talk and have conversations with you because they want to get to know you. I want to go where things happen. Where people appreciate, respect and admire the beautiful people that God created....  

Where change happens every day. I feel like NC is a hole in the wall. A waste land for people who have either given up on life or have travelled all over the world and are ready to settle down and reflect on their memories...



Although, many people have said many encouraging words they are really helping that much (right now) because what I need is a job that I can do with full quality, so I can save up money to travel to some of the places below:

*New York*

 

 

 

Miami, Florida

 

 

LA, California

 

 

Virgin Islands

 

 

Tokyo, Japan

 

 

 

Greece

 

Spain

 

 

These are only a few places that I hope to travel to one day... but either way if I can just get out of North Carolina then I will be happy. 

 

 

 

 

 





 

 



 

 



 



Mr. Patient Honesty (Boxing Ring of Intelligence)

I met a man who had a gift to melt the ice around this heart. He had a cool confidence and his patience was incredibly strong, but gentle towards me. I could not believe that he was a real person.

My "intelligence" was on full alert!

Sarcasm and raw truth shot out like daggers...

The more I said, the more he absorbed. Every off handed comment, every sarcastic note, every indifferent glare and for the first time I thought that maybe "God" had sent someone who was strong enough to match me. Strong enough to be my friend. Strong enough to stand by my side on this battlefield that many don't realize but called: Life.

He was respectful. He listened to me speak. He opened my doors. But most importantly I felt safe in his arms. I knew that if any man tried to grab on me (as most men unapologetically do...) he would protect me.

He asked me "why are you so mean?"

I replied: "I don't know..."

In his embrace I felt the ice around my heart melt. When my voice was raised. When I acted indifferent. When I was mean. When I was sarcastic. He was patient. It was as if he knew how to counter my every "attack..."

Why does my "intelligence" naturally go into attack mode?

For protection of my heart.

Too many times in the past I shared my heart with the wrong guy. They appeared to be nice. They wanted to be close. They wanted my attention. They wanted my affection...

I have learned that even now, men still like the "cat and mouse" game. They still like to do the chasing....

The second I started to give back. I started to become aware that they liked me a lot. The second I started to show them how much I appreciated them. The moment I started to give, that's when the tables turned and instead of appreciating my giving heart... they only took what I was giving. I was so happy to meet a man that accepted my kind heart. But once they found out that I was a "giver" that's all they expected me to do. Then they stopped being givers. I thought that in order to guarantee that they would be "faithful" and "committed" to me that I had to keep giving...

But little did I know at the time, that it was all apart of a game. That's how I know that men are selfish creatures. Also, that's how I know that men are not stupid though... he read the pattern that I gave out. The more I give the more, he took, the more he would pretend. Then one day, they decide that they want more... and because I didn't have any self-worth I fought tooth and nail; drove myself half bald-headed just to try to accommodate his desires... only to find that none of what I did mattered. Because he left anyway and the woman he met after me, not only was he head over heels in love with and extremely devoted too, he also married her.

Now they have a family together and live happily ever after.

Situations like that happened more than once in my short time on this earth, as a matter of fact, they take up about 80 percent of my life. Why? Because in my old life I was desperate to find a distraction from my pain. I was so desperate to find someone who could understand all parts of me, the giver (the kind side), the scientist (the intelligent side) etc

So I told myself never again would I allow a man to degrade my self-worth. Never again would I let a man get that close to me...

I fought hard to keep him away. But even as I fought I could feel myself trusting this man, who was so patient and had a cool confidence more and more...

Even when it was time for him to go home (we spent a good bit of the evening together from about 8pm to 2am). There was something that was strong in us. You know that knot in the stomach feeling? The butterflies? Well those feelings were strong. In the midst of the situation I was trying to analyze everything, when I should have been enjoying my time with this random awesome man. Its so rare that I meet a man that I can truly say is awesome. Not awesome because he has money, wears nice clothes or has travelled... but awesome because I respect the little bit that I did know about him.

I don't think much of men these days. Matter of fact most of them could go jump into a pool of sharks and I wouldn't think much of it. Most are lazy, selfish and just take up precious oxygen for those of us that really want to use our brains to live fully functioning positive lives....

But like with most situations I knew that he would lost interest or disappear. It has been a pattern in my life ever since I started dating. Also I knew that once my heart was softened (which has been a very long time since I felt that...) that I would want more of that feeling of "safety..." I wanted to know more about this man that had the ability to soften my heart with just a simple sentence and a hug. I wanted to learn everything about him. My heart was so happy to meet a man who had the patience, the confidence etc to handle my "aggressive" side. So, I thought that we could be friends.
But in my logic I knew that we were "moving" too fast. I picked up on that way before when he and I were at a bar, and as we were leaving he walked out and saw me talking to another guy and he got upset. I thought it was strange, because he just met me, so why was he getting upset?

But I understood that in that moment he liked me more than he felt comfortable wanting to admit. When I got home and reflected on our awesome "hang out session" together. I liked him more than I was comfortable admitting. I wanted him to come back and hang out, but then he got "busy..."

And such is the story of my life...

Meet an awesome guy once in a blue moon, then he disappears or gets "busy." I sent him texts, he would text me back. But then my logic kicked in, "what's the point in having a man in my life who doesn't want to get to know me or help me in some kind of way?"
I sent one last text. He never responded.

And that was the end of that....

My intelligence went back to test, as now I'm programmed to do. I test and test and test until men do either one of two things:

1. disappear

2. challenge me back

3. Ask me why I'm still testing him?

Most just disappear. I told him that I can't associate with anyone that is weak in their heart, mind, or spirit. I need to be with a man who is strong enough to handle me through the good and the bad times... I mean, I even had to cut out friends, friends that I have known since middle school because they were too weak to handle my raw honesty.

He said that it was too soon for all of that... which I understood. But at this point in my life "too soon" is not even an option, because I could die tomorrow. So I want to make sure that the people I associate with care about my life.

The last time I went to the doctor they told me that I had a weak heart and that too much stress or pressure could give me a heart-attack, even in my early 20's. I almost died before when I gave a man a piece of my heart that all he did was step on. And ever since that time I have kept a wall around my heart....

I'm like a rose with thorns. I'm beautiful to look at, but no one can get close to me because I'll prick them. I don't mean to. At the core I'm a sweet person. But any man who wants to get close to me puts me on alert. Most men just want to hurt me, beat me down, degrade me, stomp the strength in my heart.... and mold me into the type of woman that they want me to be.

I never met a man who just wanted to protect me, until I met him... But it was nice to "rest" from having to fight for those few hours. But like I knew, he wasn't strong enough to stay in my life... so now I have to go back to protecting my heart using my God-given intelligence and strength.

 

 

But, at least I was reminded that there are men out there who still appreciate loving hearts like mine... maybe that's all I will get throughout my life. I would like to be in a relationship one day, but men just aren't strong enough to handle me.... and if they can't handle me at my worst, then they don't deserve me at my most loving.

But I'm praying I'll meet a man who will care about me even on my most unruly and "ugly" moments... *sigh* been single for awhile. But its not because I haven't tried. Its just because they(men) have been too sacred to step into the boxing ring of intelligence with me and prove to me that they are strong enough to handle me.

Church Anniversary: The Power of GOD (Family Meeting)

Yesterday February 9th 2013 my church, The First Biblican Church of Deliverance open our house so that another church New Covenant could have their 12th anniversary celebration there. 

The event was powerful! The little church that normally only has about 5-20 members was packed. We really had to get comfortable with one another. There were so many people that a couple of the men from security had to set up fold out chairs on the sides of the pews. It was the: "overflow." 

The service lasted from 7pm to almost 12am.  

I was not bothered by the length of the service. I was in awe at her confidence in God, and power. 

She speaks with authority. She speaks and mountains move to the side. It was remarkable! Liberating! She moved the audience! She allowed her body to be a vessel that God could speak through. She definitely is a warrior for Gods Love and a Gladiator for Christ. In her speaking she was gentle but firm about everything that she preached. It didn't really feel like an event, but more like a "FAMILY MEETING." 

This was not the first time that I heard her preach. This was my second time and both times my jaw was on the floor! Many of the things that she said I think about and  post on my facebook. 
One example: The floods, the tornadoes, the earthquakes (etc) those are all signs that God is cleaning up the world. Especially that Hurricane that hit NY not too long ago, that was a clear sign that God is cleaning up NY. How often do you hear of  NY being flooded out???????????? exactly!